1/9/26 - Learning to live again, everything is an experience
Last night, I started crying because I just missed innocent me so deeply. The one that just lived. Made mistakes, went out, kissed guys, and just did dumb things. I was grieving her because I realized I’m way to hyper aware to be her again. Like even if I went out and wanted to kiss a guy, I literally can’t. My body would repulse. I can’t make stupid mistakes anymore because I feel like I know way too much about life now. Just being able to live without analyzing.
I missed her soo much. She feels like a version of me that was like 10 years ago, but lol that was me only a year and a half ago. And when I was her, I soo badly wanted to be me right now. The version that had wisdom and high standards.
That old version of me was so fun. She was living. I feel like I stopped living.
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Anyways, woke up and got ready because I had my meeting with the drybar lady. I was super nervous and I could tell after I said something, her interest almost faded, so I tried addressing her concerns within the call. But I tried staying calm, even after reading her.
I told myself that whatever happens happens. But I was mad at myself for trying to read her and then reacting to her. I’m not supposed to do that anymore. That was no anchoring.
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Right after I told myself whatever happens happens, the girl I hired messaged me saying she wanted to pay this guy $5k to do a shoot for vday. Internally, I felt a sense of urgency.
Like if this drybar thing doesn’t go through, I need to have something else in place. Maybe I should say yes to her, but then I was like hold up. This is a branded video, I want to be involved in it. And if I do multiple things right now I’m just creating additional stress on myself. And on top of that, I can feel this girl “trying to see what I come up” almost like she needs proof of my capabilities.
Overall, she’s giving me anxiety and I’m not a big fan of it. She’s creating a false sense of validation and urgency for no reason.
I literally need to not care what anyone thinks. I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I don’t care.
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After that, I ate, and mom said something so rude that we got into a fight. She was like “did you not order the vitamin D because I drink it”. like wtf that pissed me off so much as someone who does everything for her mom and she has the audacity to say something like this.
Decided to go on a walk with my best friend and during the walk I realized my mom’s aura has been really bitter and mean because she’s going through the same thing my best friend is going through, which is just grieving siblings and everything she did for them without ever getting anything in return. It’s just hurting her so much.
On the walk, we also talked about how mothers have this resentment for their husbands. Their body changes, nipples hurt, etc, and men just get to wake up the next day and continue with their lives. Nothing really changes. Moms have so much resentment that they become bitter and then start yelling at their husbands and their husbands decide they don’t like that energy, so they avoid them and that’s how the relationship dynamic completely changes once they become parents.
Lmao the fact that her and I are talking about this with no man in sight.
She also told me she wanted to start a girls club, and I’m proud of her.
_
After the walk she came over and my mom started crying. I know it’s hard for her but she needs to grieve. My best friend also saw it as a wake up call for her own life that if she doesn’t choose herself now with everything going on with her family, she’s also going to wake up 60 and feel all the resentment.
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We went to target after became I needed to get a couple of things and idk what happen but I just started having anxiety a bit. I took out all my extra clothes, just became overstimulated like I just needed to leave, and just dissociated to reality. I was also so thirsty. I have noo clue why or how that happened. It wasn’t that bad in person to the point I was panicking or something but I was not okay internally. Idk if I just had enough of my friend and was drained or something.
Overall, that was strange but I was instantly better when I got home. I think I was just overestimated and drained.
Got home, took an edible, ate chicken, and then went into my room and watched “people we meet on vacation” on netflix. I’ve read the book, so I was excited to watch the movie. The movie sucked, though. It went by way too fast.
While I was watching the movie, I did have the sudden urge to create a “vacation me” where I just do things I don’t normally do. Just live.
But then I realized, I really could just live. Idk why I feel like I have to live by rules, if I don’t want to. If anything living by rules feels further than alignment.
I just want to be free and love like I’m free. Kiss when I want to kiss if my body and mind say yes, instead of thinking about if I could see the person long term or not. Have a deep talk without seeing if they’ll be in my life long-term. Literally, how people live when they solo travel in countries.
I want embodied freedom. Chat said this is the exact frequency in which I’ll attract love, which I believe because when I think of a version of me that falls in love, it’s this version.
And suddenly, it feels like I might be getting my innocence back afterall because my body has alchemized enough for me to trust it to make decisions now. I don’t care about understanding the meaning of every connection.
8/10 - A lot happened today, but I’m ending today on a happy note. I do get my innocence back afterall.
Intuition - Everything will now just be an experience. Feels like I’m officially living in my own rom-com now.
Energy:
25% - work
25% - understand mom
25% - understanding innocent me
25% - target meltdown
