1/10/26 - Letting my body guide, no longer care about analyzing
Woke up still high and just felt like I couldn’t do anything else. Mom and I got into a fight because she needed me to go to the bank and get crisp 100 dollar bills to send to India.
I was too exhausted to literally go to the bank and we had 100 dollars in 10s and 20s. I just couldn’t understand why she couldn’t just send that. And I had an internal feeling that she was going to do something she wasn’t supposed to do with the money. At this point in life, I don’t care if people are telling me the truth or not. If my body says no, it’s a no. Maybe she was telling the truth, but my body can foreshadow what she might be using it if she already had that money in india. Idk and idc and neither do I care about finding evidence. I stand with my body, no matter who is mad at me, and for the first time I felt like this is what self abandonment isn’t. When whatever it is, you just stand with your gut and your body.
Externally mom and I were so mad at each other and she was crying and we aren’t talking. But internally, I’m sooo proud of myself for not abandoning or even questioning myself. It literally feels like my body is a little kid and it’s telling me something but it doesn’t have evidence, and I’m just believing the kid. No proof needed because my heart just tells me the kid is right.
And now it’s like “my embodied self” is telling me, basically the version that alchemized pain and just knows.
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I talked about this yesterday too, but it’s like I’m reverting back to my innocent life with embodied wisdom, where my brain doesn’t do any of the scanning. My body does.
I’m also no longer looking for mirrors because it requires me to figure out their story by analyzing them and trying to see what part of each other’s life we mirror. That just requires way too much energy and is leaky now. Especially since I no longer care who mirrors me and don’t need mirrors to validate myself because I see myself.
I’m moving back to the place of choosing to live with ignorance because the safety and wisdom is so rooted in every ounce of my body and my whole way of living aligns without me thinking about anything anymore.
I also feel like I’m going from wanting to analyze every single thing to now just living. I literally don’t want to use my brain anymore.
And I kind of feel ready to just date, go on a solo vacation, almost just be young and free. Just experience things to experience. Not necessarily connect the dots and find meaning.
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Tbh I’m also getting really over this feeling of waking high the next day. It’s literally like being hungover the next day. Good in the moment and fun, but then next day is just such a waste of a day.
At night, I tried getting 30 minutes of my steps in but I was sooo miserable and just praying for it to be over. Then started feeling super hungry, so after eating a bunch of random stuff, I to pray to give myself the energy to make pasta. I basically just hustled through.
Ate pasta, and watched “how to lose a guy in 10 days”. I forgot how cute it was and I really just needed a comfort movie.
At night, I was dump scrolling on social media and realized I could listen to other people’s trauma without making it my own. It’s like my capacity to listen is increasing and that’s how I know I am getting internally anchored to another level. I’m no longer living in the dark. It’s like I could see and listen and still chose myself. Before I would see and listen and lose myself. I would choose comforting their pain over staying stable within myself.
7/10 - Good reflections, but just felt so unproductive
Intuition - I need to get my shit together
Energy:
25% - standing up to my mom
25% - surviving my routine while being high
50% - chilling and reflecting
