1/11/26 - Need to anchor externally, mind & body movement, ending loyalty obligations
Last night, I just had a wave of being sooo done with my current life. Literally exactly what I felt when I started journaling here. Just an internal knowing that my way of living needed to change, I’m meant for more, and just so fed up.
The funny thing is my current life was a dream for me, but now it also feels like a baseline that I can’t stand. All the noise from social media is just too much now. It doesn’t mentally affect me like it did before where I feel internally scattered but it’s not helping me either. It literally feels like thousands of people are just screaming at me and telling me things.
So I decided I’m taking at least a one week break from social media. I’m also tired of having to do lists for the day and just not doing anything. Just the feeling of being underproductive.
In the name of under productiveness, I started feeling anxiety, and my mind was racing, so I literally couldn’t sleep. At the end, had to play rain sounds at 3am.
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Woke up late because I couldn’t sleep, but went straight to walking on my walking pad. I decided I was going to do 3 increments of walking for 30 minutes to get to 10k steps again and then really really figure out a small workout routine. The workout routine part is driving me insane.
The goal for today is finish my journals, eat healthy, and get somewhere in my workouts.
While I was walking, I got clarity on what I should do for the hanumankind concert, which was just have a section in each city and invite a bunch of influencers.
Before, I would get my ideas by creating an environment of urgency, now I need regulated movement, hence why walking in the morning feels in line.
I feel like my internal world is now pretty anchored, and my external world needs to match up to it. Just routines that makes me feel put together.
Mom went to go get groceries and today I let her, I’m really trying to get back to a place mentally where I was a couple of years ago, where I just don’t worry about her.
I tried doing an arms routine but it just felt too rushed and I didn’t think that was the answer too, so I just stopped but was so frustrated. Like I just don’t know what to do to get toned. Everything feels wrong. Instead I went to go make some ginger tea, decided I was going to try again later.
Ate, and then just felt so exhausted that I couldn’t do anything stimulating. This is about the time where I would go on social media, but instead couldn’t so decided to watch new girl, and then took a 20 minute nap before some people came over.
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Journaled for a bit, and then got tired, so decided to go eat, but still wasn’t ready to write, so I just watched a bit more of New Girl. After New Girl and eating, I asked myself if I wanted to stay still or did I need movement and I decided I needed movement.
While walking, I literally feel like I just had a breakthrough on the disconnection I’ve been feeling between what my brain wants to do and my body.
I think I’m going to categorize what I want to do in 4 categories:
- movement
- release
- stimulation
- no stimulation
Movement = walk, exercise, make food, creative activity
Release = talk, write
Stimulation = watch a new movie or show, reflect, read, scroll on social media
No stimulation = lay in bed, sleep, meditate, listen to soft sounds, or watch an old show
I feel like I just need to ask myself what my body is looking for to really be in flow and not force myself to release when I want movement or just no stimulation.
Chat said:
Movement = body feels stuck and needs circulation
Release = something is bubbling up and wants a voice
Stimulation = my body is curious and wants external input
No stimulation = I need nothing, just exhausted
To make things easier, I can just ask myself if I want
more, less or nothing.
For the first time in life, my body and mind are at a point where they could sync. Before my mind was ahead of my body. But it’s at a meeting point now.
The ultimate sync would be having agreement with what my mind and body want. That’s what would make me the least fragmented and stressed.
Listening to my body just creates a sync of optimal energy, so I’m not forcing myself to run when I want to sleep.
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On the other note, my SF friend is sick and the old me would have sent her a care package now that she’s in my “circle” but I’m also trying not to overgive.
Still trying to figure out how to love deeply while keeping my center because right now it kind of feels like I’m restricting myself. My heart feels like I care about people I love and she’s sick. She should get a care package.
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Journaled a bit more and this time I was so much more productive because I was working in sync with my body. Walked another 30 minutes and started this old bollywood movie that I’ve seen before to make the time go by faster.
Ate dinner, watched the movie a bit more, and then went to go wash my hair. Came back and took my melatonin gummies and finished journaling.
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While I was walking earlier today, I also decided I’m going to have my other coworker manage the new girl. She’s not the same person I hired before. When I first had my call with her, I was so energized by her and I loved talking to her. Now, I hate talking to her, I literally feel her anxiety oozing out of her and I feel like she looks at me like I’m stupid or something, which I have no interest in proving myself to her.
Old me would have had loyalty towards what I first felt. I felt such a strong pull towards her that I literally created a job for her. And once I feel that level of connection, I’m usually loyal in the sense of I take them under my wing. Not anymore though, new me is like I don’t want to deal with her.
I’m finally accepting that I don’t abandon myself to maintain access to anyone. I don’t like talking to her anymore, therefore, I will not talk to her. And I honor what was real, and I trust when it’s time to change form.
I think old me had a hard time accepting my dynamic for relationships could change out of ego. It doesn’t mean I was wrong when I hired her. Everything I felt at that time could be true too. I don’t need to beat myself over it.
She also just entered a new role, first time in corporate and might be having a hard time navigating it hence why her aura has changed.
If i didn’t feel such a pull, I would have never hired her. The universe needed me to hire her, so I could officially focus on brand projects and she can get a job. Now that “pull” has served it’s purpose and it’s time for me to separate myself from her.
In the past, when I liked a guy and felt a pull in the beginning but then they ended up being shitty, I was soo stuff on the pull from the beginning that I would allow the relationship to last longer than it needed to out of my own ego.
Relationships change form as situations change.
9/10 - Got 10k steps in, washed hair, did all my journals so feel like today was productive, just didn’t get any strength in but we’ll try again tomorrow
Intuition - Breakthrough in the way I move with mind and body, already feel more productive
Energy:
25% - steps
25% - journaling
25% - trying to get my life together
25% - chilling
