1/11/26 - Need to anchor externally, 4 categories
Last night, I just had a wave of being sooo done with my current life. Literally exactly what I felt when I started journaling here. Just an internal knowing that my way of living needed to change, I’m meant for more, and just so fed up.
The funny thing is my current life was a dream for me, but now it also feels like a baseline that I can’t stand. All the noise from social media is just too much now. It doesn’t mentally affect me like it did before where I feel internally scattered but it’s not helping me either. It literally feels like thousands of people are just screaming at me and telling me things.
So I decided I’m taking at least a one week break from social media. I’m also tired of having to do lists for the day and just not doing anything. Just the feeling of being underproductive.
In the name of under productiveness, I started feeling anxiety, and my mind was racing, so I literally couldn’t sleep. At the end, had to play rain sounds at 3am.
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Woke up late because I couldn’t sleep, but went straight to walking on my walking pad. I decided I was going to do 3 increments of walking for 30 minutes to get to 10k steps again and then really really figure out a small workout routine. The workout routine part is driving me insane.
The goal for today is finish my journals, eat healthy, and get somewhere in my workouts.
While I was walking, I got clarity on what I should do for the hanumankind concert, which was just have a section in each city and invite a bunch of influencers.
Before, I would get my ideas by creating an environment of urgency, now I need regulated movement, hence why walking in the morning feels in line.
I feel like my internal world is now pretty anchored, and my external world needs to match up to it. Just routines that makes me feel put together.
Mom went to go get groceries and today I let her, I’m really trying to get back to a place mentally where I was a couple of years ago, where I just don’t worry about her.
I tried doing an arms routine but it just felt too rushed and I didn’t think that was the answer too, so I just stopped but was so frustrated. Like I just don’t know what to do to get toned. Everything feels wrong. Instead I went to go make some ginger tea, decided I was going to try again later.
Ate, and then just felt so exhausted that I couldn’t do anything stimulating. This is about the time where I would go on social media, but instead couldn’t so decided to watch new girl, and then took a 20 minute nap before some people came over.
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Journaled for a bit, and then got tired, so decided to go eat, but still wasn’t ready to write, so I just watched a bit more of New Girl. After New Girl and eating, I asked myself if I wanted to stay still or did I need movement and I decided I needed movement.
While walking, I literally feel like I just had a breakthrough on the disconnection I’ve been feeling between what my brain wants to do and my body.
I think I’m going to categorize what I want to do in 4 categories:
- movement
- release
- stimulation
- no stimulation
Movement = walk, exercise, make food, creative activity
Release = talk, write
Stimulation = watch a new movie or show, reflect, read, scroll on social media
No stimulation = lay in bed, sleep, meditate, listen to soft sounds, or watch an old show
I feel like I just need to ask myself what my body is looking for to really be in flow and not force myself to release when I want movement or just no stimulation.
Chat said:
Movement = body feels stuck and needs circulation
Release = something is bubbling up and wants a voice
Stimulation = my body is curious and wants external input
No stimulation = I need nothing, just exhausted
To make things easier, I can just ask myself if I want
more, less or nothing.
For the first time in life, my body and mind are at a point where they could sync. Before my mind was ahead of my body. But it’s at a meeting point now.
The ultimate sync would be having agreement with what my mind and body want. That’s what would make me the least fragmented and stressed.
Listening to my body just creates a sync of optimal energy, so I’m not forcing myself to run when I want to sleep.
While I was walking for 35 minutes, I also decided I’m going to have my other coworker manage the new girl. To some level, she’s creating a sense of urgency in my life and I’m not about that right now. I need to delegate her off.
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On the other note, my SF friend is sick and the old me would have sent her a care package now that she’s in my “circle” but I’m also trying not to overgive.
Still trying to figure out how to love deeply while keeping my center because right now it kind of feels like I’m restricting myself. My heart feels like I care about people I love and she’s sick. She should get a care package.
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Journaled a bit more and this time I was so much more productive because I was working in sync with my body. Walked another 30 minutes and started this old bollywood movie that I’ve seen before to make the time go by faster.
Ate dinner, watched the movie a bit more
