1/12/26 - Closeness without losing my rhythm
I fell asleep by 12am from the sleep gummies and put an alarm to wake up at 8am, but snoozed it. As soon as I woke up, my body just needed to calm down for a bit and just felt like it needed release. Was feeling a bit of anxiety, so did the red light therapy for 15 minutes and then did my walk. Also did some chatgpting and felt better by the end of my walk. Took a shower, made some coffee and sat down.
Even though it was just simple things, I did feel like I had a “productive” morning.
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Started randomly thinking about how the girl I hired thought I was so unreachable when she first had her call with me and thought I would be very business-like and mean. But then she met me and realized how I’m just a girl and I’m actually really nice and approachable. Slowly I saw her respect for me as someone unreachable started to fade as she realized I was more similar than she thought. I think a lot of people think this about me before they actually meet me in real life. Cause I look super put together. But when they meet me and talk to me they realize how chill and normal I am.
Something about this feels wrong, it feels like it attracts the wrong crowd because they expect someone that has high aura for me to be normal and then they almost look disappointed and start walking over me.
Chat says - It’s because my access is unregulated when I start talking. Which I get because its like they see how unregulated I am once I start talking. The containment goes away.
Idk how to solve this yet fully but chat says I need to be selectively approachable and have contained warmth.
I feel like this is how Priyanka chopra moves. She’s warmth, untouchable, true but there is something about her that is contained which makes her untouchable even when she’s laughing or crying or being vulnerable.
Her center never leaves her. For me, once I become vulnerable and connected, my center leaves me, which is why I get drained so easily now and need space after a while.
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I ended up messaging my boss about some partnerships, and decided not to get on my marketing call even though I knew he was going to be on it. Today I wasn’t scared and I didn’t care what he thought.
Also answered the new girl very calmly on why I couldn’t give her a yes or no answer.
After the marketing call, my other coworker called me to tell me my boss was asking about me. I feel like he thinks I’m about to leave lmao. Old me would have been freaking out because then that means he can start looking for a replacement. New me is like whatever, I’m not leaving from my will just yet. I’m literally focusing on my own goals and not acting from scarcity or fear of being fired. If anything I’m more aligned now. Not performative.
She also started telling me about how she needs me to say yes to apply for her london visa, creating a false sense of urgency.
New girl - she feels like she’s not showing any impact, so she’s trying to create projects that would and is trying to get me to act faster to approve things.
Other girl - Wants to go to London, so she’s creating a false sense of urgency for me to get her the visa, so I could help ease her anxiety and she can figure her life plans out.
Both are trying to rush me to “figure” things out in their own life. Literally, everyone and their moms are trying to create a false sense of urgency for me to move faster just to help resolve their own anxiety.
Chat says all this is pointing to me learning how to stay while being myself and being prepared for real closeness.
Because even right now, with my best friend, I have close moments with her but then need space from her for 3 days after. Like that target meltdown was from spending too much time with her in a row.
I’m kind of excited though because if I’m learning closeness while staying myself, that means I’m about to have close people enter in my life that require me to stay myself.
I’m learning how to stay. I’m also creating embodied boundaries where people can feel me, but no one can feel entitled to me.
Ate lunch and looked at my slack messages. I think my boss is freaking out lmao, he’s asking too many questions about where and when I’m moving, etc.
It’s very interesting to be able to see other people’s anxiety and not make it my own (still have to be mindful of this part and have to remind myself on my own path). I do feel slight anxiety but have to actively keep grounding myself right now.
Walked for another 45 minutes because I was getting tired and sleepy, really getting into baddie energy.
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I also kind of see where there is a mismatch right now:
How I envision myself
When someone sees me across the room:
magnetic
gravitational
present
pretty in the sense you keep watching
slow-moving
How I should be when they talk to me:
slow talking
put together
present
not afraid of silence
grounded
Right now, when they talk to me:
trying to keep the convo alive because I’m afraid of silence
distracted because I’m draining myself and feel unformtable
a bit anxious because Idk what they think of me
full-on expressions without containment because I’m trying to entertain
overexplain and talk too much to make sure they can connect with me
The outward energy is just way too much right now. I need to anchor in my breath. I’m not supposed to hold the conversation. I’m supposed to hold myself while the conversation happens.
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Anyways, was tired, so watched New girl for a bit, then ate, and finally did my arm workout.
Now today’s arm workout felt right. It was slow-controlled, but I felt like it was working. Then finished it off with 20 minutes of walking.
Basically was a successful workout day, not so much work day.
Intuition - I feel like someone important is about to enter my life.
9/10 - Felt like I had a productive mind and body day where things felt like they were aligning and I was working in flow
Energy:
25% - work drama
25% - eating
50% - working out
