1/8/26 - strength training without pain
I couldn’t sleep last night because my best friend told me she was going to leave early, so I was too worried if she was going to lock the doors or not before leaving and kept checking her locations.
Anyways, I also woke up from a dream about my old guy friend. I think my brain is slowly closing the loop on all my guy friends that I even remotely see a potential with. Moral of the story with him was no. His life is too centered around him. He doesn’t care about my feelings, and I’ve seen him date other people, so it’s all just too messy. More so, in the dream, I had to convince him to drop his guard to accept love from me, which after waking up is such an ick, but was so centered around the way I loved. I would see people that needed love and try to get them to accept my love and let their guards down. Now I know though - my person meets me where I am. Me “convincing” him is not the move. I do not live like that anymore.
After my best friend left, I ended up going back to bed and woke up to get ready because I had my meeting with hanumankind’s manager and the raptor’s manager and I wanted to be in a good mindset for it. I didn’t drink coffee, so I tried to stay calm and not hyper. I was a bit nervous for both, even though literally for the raptor’s manager there was a time where I didn’t even care what I said to her. I last spoke to her 3 years ago and there was this other guy on the project with her. I always had a feeling they were going to date and they did. She told me the Dil Mil project is what “brought them together”. So cute.
Hanumankind’s manager was also very business like. Nothing really came out of the meeting, so now I have to email him. He basically told me to send him a proposal and they’ll see if they can do it or not.
I’m trying to remind myself that whatever happens happens, and just going to take it a step at a time.
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Anyways, after the meetings, I ate, and went straight to bed. I was just soooo exhausted from not getting enough sleep and my body was just in so much pain.
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Yesterday something important happened where a white lady was shot in the face and so many cities were having protests, similar to black lives matter and george floyd. I know I’m protected and I’m not worried about myself or my family. But the world is getting worse and more chaotic. And I think now my test is to keep my center while being aware of everything happening in the world. It just feels like a lot sometimes though.
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I’m also trying to find my balance of working out. Me being so sore isn’t a good thing and I asked chat and chat also said that if I’m sore and breathless that means my body is going into survival mode.
So now I feel like I’m bad to square one where I don’t know what to do to build strength. I think I just need to get stronger without forcing it. Weights where I don’t feel the “burn” but it still feels like a mystery because if I don’t feel the burn how am I going to know if it’s working or not. Idk it’s just so confusing.
Basically no breathless, no soreness, no feeling the burn, no too much.
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On the other note, I saw my other coworker comment on a tiktok video saying he was opening up a cafe in long island and needed advice. Old me would have told my boss to prepare. New me is like this is not my problem. I don’t manage him.
And no one tells you how hard it is to see and know answers but stay quiet. I guess that is where the “containment” really comes from though.
At night, watched a bollywood movie. It was okay.. and just fell asleep.
5/10 - Soooo exhausted today and just slept
Intuition - My workouts need to feel like I’m building strength not working too hard but trying to find the right mix for this is killing me.
Energy:
75% - sleeping and energizing
25% - my two important meetings
