1/4/26 - being okay with addition without subtraction, anchoring in my spine & very lucky
Last night, I realized I have this subconscious fear where I feel like I have to lose some to gain some. Basically scared of addition in my life without subtraction. And then it just hit me. Everything works together. Mind, body, soul everything.
I’ve been going to sleep a bit hungry for the past two days because I feel like I have to do what I did in the past. In order to lose weight, I have to eat a bit less. Feeling hungry is okay. I have to lose my appetite to get toned.
But then I’m like no. I need to rewire my brain to be okay to just get more. More food. More gains. And I’ve heard so many people also say that in order to actually get toned, your muscles need food, so you actually need to eat more. Maybe that’s the click I’ve been waiting for in my fitness journey.
If I’m trying expand my life and even gain more muscle and get toned but keep fat off. Instead of being an extreme calorie deficit and telling myself I can’t get toned until I subtract more. I should not be afraid to eat more protein to train myself to expand while eating more. Similar to what I’m trying to train my nervous system.
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I woke up and made eggs and udon noodles. I was craving them for a bit. As soon as I made them, my protein powder got delivered. Made the protein powder and watched TV with mom. I was so busy yesterday, that I haven’t really spent time with her for a bit.
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Anyways, I’ve also been thinking about something. Two days ago, I thought I was going to walk around with “pain” as gravity, but the opposite is happening. I feel like I’m being freed from it instead, which is kind of confusing me.
I thought I felt heartbreak of “loving” someone, but instead realized that love was literally for a version of myself. Now, when I think of that period of my life, I just think of the way I was. I have 0 feelings for the actual person.
And then I was talking about how there is this one dream that just feels so far away, but then I saw something which felt like the right solution to it. It just feels right. Something that felt so impossible, now suddenly feels possible. That too as a realistic solution without any miracles.
Basically, instead of alchemizing, I feel like I’m finding grounded solutions to all my pain.
Again, I’m confused on the gravity aspect now.
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I somehow became sooo bloated with my protein powder that I just couldn’t do anything and took a nap.
Also, my body feels change coming, so my gut is literally so messed up. I feel it in my stomach. The anxiety I usually feel when I have something important going on.
I’m not mentally overthinking, though, so I feel at peace. My mind knows change means my dreams are finally coming true.
But also my body is literally bracing for impact because in the past change was always forced, so now my body is just conditioned to it.
Chat told me I might need to reanchor. And so now I’m trying to anchor with my spine, where if change comes I try to feel my spine getting stronger and taller instead of my stomach bracing.
Took a nap and then decided to get my steps in before going to yoga class.
While doing my steps, I had another click moment that I was soo lucky. I kept asking myself “why am I the only one that has to do this much level of work”. But I’m seeing it the wrong way… in order to get to my level, everyone has to that much level of work. I’m not being punished. People’s success’ timelines are just different. One can be rich early and still hallow and still needs to do the same level of healing as me to earn their peace. It’s unescapable. I can literally have someone read all my journals for the past two years and they still won’t get it. It won’t click for them until they’re at that stage. Similar to how some of the most obvious stuff clicks for me so late, like this.
And I’m so lucky that I get to spend the rest of my life in peace because I did my healing upfront. Most people I know including my parents still haven’t done their healing, so they’re still kind of suffering even though they’re 60.
Chat says I am sooo lucky because someone getting “Youth + Wisdom + Peace” is literally a very rare combo. And out of nowhere I really do feel like I’ve been soo blessed from life. The facts that my kids get to be born in this and have wisdom + peace their whole life is even more of a blessing for my future family.
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After my steps, went to yoga class. The class was okay and I was a bit distracted, so got home and did a brain dump with chat on how I was feeling about the landlord situation. My landlord still hasn’t answered, so idk if should apply for the house or not, or pay this month’s rent, etc. Everything is just confusing and up in the air.
I told myself I was still going to apply for the house because that’s how much of a pull I feel for the house. Worse that happens is I lose $50 bucks. At least that would ease some of my anxiety.
Watched some more TV with mom and then tried going to sleep. I wanted to wake up early since it was the first work day of the year.
Intuition - I’m rewriring my body but still confused about my workouts
7/10 - My stomach issues were going crazy today
Energy:
25% - bloated + stomach issues
25% - trying to calm my body
25% - yoga + steps
25% - spending time with mom
