1/3/26 - grieving a version of myself, witnessing myself, fear of change
I learned so much more stuff in the past 24 hours that I don’t even know where to begin.
Somehow after thinking more about heartbreaks and touching a little on it yesterday, woke up with a click in realizing true love is always double-sided. If it’s one-sided love, the love wasn’t for the person. It was for the version of myself that I was while loving that person. And for me it was raw, soft, and unarmed. I allowed myself to be soft, feminine, non-hypervigilant. Allowed myself to think people were meant for me and that i didn’t need to have a guard, that I can love with my whole heart. That’s the version I miss. The version that didn’t protect herself.
And if it was love for myself. I’m literally still here. It belongs to me. I can love that way anyway or day. Maybe this is telling more on the way I should ultimately love the world? Although I just don’t think I can ever be that “naive” again. I never was to begin with. But somehow became naive in that version. And Idk if I’ll ever get that version of me again.
It’s crazy how this whole time I kept wondering, why no matter what I couldn’t forget N. Even though I literally think he’s a loser. But it’s because I could never forget that version of me. The version of myself that thought the universe was going to protect her instead of herself.
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Another thing I thought about what I think a part of me is still waiting to be seen. Every time someone stares at me for a little too long I start to wonder if they can “see” me or feel my frequency or feel my gravity or feel my pain. This happened when I went to go get bagels yesterday. The cashier was starting at me and I just really wanted to know if she “saw” me.
Chat said it’s because I haven’t accepted that even if no one see’s me, I see myself. I’m still asking for a witness in my life to validate everything I’ve been through.
Then it hit me, Is self containing, witnessing yourself and not letting anyone downgrade your pain and experiences?
Versus self-abandonment is the exact opposite where you let your pain and experiences dilute to be accepted.
I need to witness myself. Validate everything I’ve been through. Not let anyone tell me otherwise.
It also makes sense on the other clarity I had a couple of weeks ago on self-abandanoment also being the “I should have just….” because it’s invalidating what I felt in that moment or had to do in that moment. It’s invalidating the experience.
Tbh.. these pieces of clarity on heartbreak and self-abandonment, witnessing and being seen feel so crazy. Like holy shit.
But also, I think a part of me is still desperate for another witness too. I haven’t been able to just accept the whole not needing another witness part yet. If my person, does “see” me. I need to not get excited if my person even does come up to me and literally even says “I see you”. I can’t lose my center.
But lmao also knowing me and my life - the universe won’t even give me my person if I lose my center just by him saying “I see you”. Then that means I’m not ready, so this problem is irrelevant.
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I saw a bunch of tiktoks on Deepika Padukone and Ranveer Singh being in NY for the knicks game, and I started to wonder how actors have so much gravity. Like where does it all even come from? Do they carry all that pain too?
Chat said in different ways, Deepika is the closest thing to me, where she carries gravity as stillness. Interesting..
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Anyways, I got ready and drove to Wheeling to see a townhouse. I liked it.
It’s $400 over what I currently pay and isn’t perfect. But it feels lived in, feels expansive, feels like history. It was super spacious.
I left feeling grounded. Right now, I’m just going to take one step at a time and see what happens. Things will rearrange for me if needed.
I feel no urgency in the sense I should do something and not nothing. But not in a way it’s overruling or I won’t be okay if I don’t get it. It’s more of a pull.
I went to go get iced coffee at this place in glenview, and it was just white people. They started staring at me not in a bad way but in a “she’s different” way.
And for once I didn’t feel anything, I just understood it’s because I’m different. Maybe this is the answer I was looking for in the morning/last night. Where if people stare at me it’s doesn’t mean they see me, it’s just they feel I’m different.
I kind of do feel that as a reflection of my inner world too, i know I’m different. Before I used to want to fit in, now I’ve just accepted it.
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The mandir was close, so went to the mandir afterward. It’s like a part of my own lifestyle now, where I just feel so grounded going. I like praying. But even today, I didn’t ask for anything. Just said thank you. I know god and the universe is already doing what they need to do.
Went to old orchard mall afterwards to pick up my leggings, then went to victoria’s secret to get some lotions, some other stores too but was too lazy to try on clothes. I was already drained at this point, so I sat down for a few minutes, and then decided to try on walking shoes. I used to use my old ripped up ones because they were comfy, but I told myself I wasn’t going to use ripped up stuff anymore, so now I don’t have any shoes, and it’s hard shopping online without trying. Sucked it up and got my shoes.
It was already dark by this point, and I was so drained. Went straight home, and in my bed to get some alone time.
I started watching this old bollywood movie, and in between I went on IG and just got the biggest icks.
The creators that I was so inspired by before and thought were so impressive are the ones I don’t like anymore. Just feel a lot of ick.
I see through them and the fact that they fooled me once pisses me off.
Example there’s this creator that is grounded but she has no gravity, which lets me it’s performative. And another person that has no integrity. And another preaches about healing but hasn’t even fully healed her herself. Half the stuff she says is false and I know this because I’m further than her now.
Chat says this is the exact time to not listen to anyone and look inward, which I’m already doing. Also they just no longer resonate with me. At one point, they did, and it’s okay to not be at the same pace anymore. I’ve just been unfollowing a bunch of people now because I know they’re saying BS.
I need to calm down though and treat it a part of the evolution. They’re speaking about it the same way they know and feel a pull. The same way I was trying to make my healing videos a year ago. I can’t be mad at them for having a following, they’re evolution is different. Maybe they’re supposed to “grow” with people watching. I wasn’t supposed to and that’s okay too.
It’s simply - I no longer relate to them.
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I texted my landlord about most likely not renewing my lease and she hasn’t answered, so I’ve been feeling anxious. I realized I still feel nervous about change.
A little part of me thinks the reason why I have to move is because something bad is going to happen in my current residence and god is protecting me.
I know god is protecting me always. But I think of change as protection. Which I don’t think is healthy.
I should think of change as expansion. I mentally know it’s for expansion but my body is wired to think change means protection from danger.
It’s all the times I was forced to uproot my life.
So there’s a disconnection of mind and body.
Maybe that’s why I’m not growing? My physical body is still running the survival loop?
I might be subconsciously still scared of my life changing overall because my body might think I’m in danger, which would send me in a spiral. I need to heal this for my body to allow change in my life as a positive.
Intuition - I need to work on my physical relationship with change. But going to make it tomorrow problem.
8/10 - Was a super busy and reflective day all in once, but good reflections tbh.
Energy:
33% - reflections
34% - busy with errands
33% - reenergizing
