7/27/25 - Being okay with not being needed
Last night, I was just laying and it just hit me that my person is going to be perfect.
Recently I’ve been learning to not place my worth on the value I bring or results. And it’s because for the first time in life my person won’t need me. They’ll be just as emotionally aware as me, they’ll be hot, and they’ll be fully talented. I won’t be their person because they think I’m the prettiest or smartest or anything est. I won’t really bring any real value into his life because being his person because of our frequency/vibration matching. And I need to learn to be okay with that. That he chose me just because I’m written for him. Not because I’m going to help him.
And the reason I’ve been learning to not place my worth in what I bring to the table, because the old me would self sabatage and think he was going to leave me and question why me if I don’t add value into his life.
And easier said but when you really process this is actually felt crazy. All my life, I’ve almost seen faults in people but knew I was able to help them. I felt like they needed me, and while needing me, I hoped they wouldn’t leave me because of how much I taught them and helped them or did for them. My person is literally going to be just as smart as me, just as grounded as me.
More-so this is actually a reflection of myself. And I’m finally getting this love because it’s a mirror of the love I have with myself. I love myself without any reason or explanation. I just do. And I don’t need anyone. I want someone. The same way, he’ll just want me. He won’t need me.
And it’s again coming to me now because I can’t be stuck in abandonment issues. I’m not abandoning myself for being me. I’m fully trusting and accepting myself, so again a reflection.
Knowing this feels freeing, but also a bit scary, so I'm sitting with it. Also said mentally said bye to my guy best friend yesterday, in reality, I said bye to the version of myself that kept abandoning herself.
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Woke up, and layed in bet for a bit but got ready to go to the farmers market. My mom was caming with me and she wore the most interesting outfit, but instead of being embarrased, I was like fuck it, let her express herself. People would literally wear this outfit in the 60s and people wear it in nyc, so who am the one to try to stop her expression. I’m going to walk with her.
In the car, she was acting up and her anxiety was projecting. Normally, I get triggered and we get into a fight but today, I pin pointed it and told her to calm down and acknowledge her anxiety, so it stopped the fight.
We went to the logan park farmers market this time, and somehow found parking. It was suppper hot. While walking with my mom, I feel like she just doesn’t acknowledge other people and just cuts, so I’m always hyper aware but I still enjoy my time with her. It doesn’t feel awkward but at the same time part of me does feel like she tries to speed things up a bit.
We got a bagel and a banana matcha latte, and a heirloom tomato. After we were done, the guy from malta was being annoying again. Lmao the contract said completely the opposite of the terms, so done with his shit, but also don’t give af. I’m responding as I feel the need to respond, nothing more. He has already fucked with my trust and I don’t like him.
When we got home, I cut up the tomatoe and we had it with olive oil and sea salt. Tasted really good and mom and I both knocked out after that.
Woke up and was super hungry, so made ground chicken to eat as nachos and also made banana syrup. I used my best friend’s syrup, but tbh it’s a little too sweet for me. Been obsessed with literally just making different types of coffees lately.
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At one point in the day, I did have a mini panic because I was like okay if I’m just aligned for my person. I don’t think I’m aligned for my job anymore, does that mean I’m getting fired soon? But then I’m like it’s my anxiety talking. Literally I don’t even think the CEO, CTO or anyone is aligned for the job anymore. Including the designer. Everyone is just there for a paycheck until they figure out their next thing and they’re all there. I need to chill out. God/universe has my back.
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Other things, I feel like I’m kind of officially attracted to anyone, which is so weird to me. My type was always indian, but now I definitely just go off of vibes and energy, which again tells me my person is probably not indian.
The only off thing is that I haven’t been super inspired to create content right now, but I’m letting it now hurt me.
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On the topic of soul contracts, the people that follow me are also those that need me, which means they’ll all start creating content and copy me at one point, and that’s why I had that lesson with my other friends suddenly creating content too. It was a period for me to learn that that’s going to be the rest of my life and I can’t also base my worth off of competition. They may very well surpass me if they’re more aligned than me and that’s okay. I can’t be bitter about it.
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I’m also obsessed with the song Saiyaara.
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I’ve also been thinking about my 1 year single anniversary. I always wanted to post a long caption post, but I don’t think thats me anymore. That feels like coming from a place of hurt. I’m not hurt. I’m not scared to post - it just feels forced.
8/10 - I feel like I’m soooo close to being in alignment with my person that’s kind of freaking me out but I’m also embracing the now and fully being single, so I’m ready for whats to come.
Intuition - I have a feeling that I’m meeting him in the next month.
Energy:
20% - trying to recode all my triggers/fully being grounded
20% - still learning being okay with just loving me for being me
20% - farmers market
20% - resting and listening to my body
20% - cooking making food
