7/26/25 - Saying goodbye to a version of me/guy friend

I have so much to say and talk about right that I’m kind of feeling a bit overwhelmed. I’m also a little nervous that once I put my feels on paper, it’ll be official.
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Woke up confused on what I wanted to do. I couldn’t sleep until 5am cause of the coughing, so I woke up at 12pm and wanted to go to pilates but didn’t have the energy/will to do a workout. I was hungry, so decided to honestly eat instead.

Made a cookie butter latte for my mom and it was actually really good. Learned the secret is literally to mix it in the espresso for the flavor. Tbh I’m actually obsessed with making them at home now. All the coffee shop coffees take like shit now, and I don’t even like working in coffee shops anymore, so my home coffee era now is a hit for me.

I’m constantly shook at how much I’ve changed in a year. Literally starting to detach from food too because it just represents feelings. We made tofu stir fry for lunch, and while eating my south african aunt showed me her home. The home I was born in and lowkey it was soooo old. Like it was giving 1920s vibes and the vibes were lowkey off. I don’t even think I would love living there but I would love to visit south africa. They’ve lived there their whole life and never gone on a safari, which again being in alignment is almost not valuing the thing you have access to, which is crazy. The key is literally to not give it energy.
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After lunch, mom and took out random trash and cleaned out our third room. We were going through my old dresses and somehow fell in love again with a dress I was going to throw out but also I saved my old indian dresses because i wanted to make art with them. Now, I’m kind of determined to.

During the cleaning sesh, found pictures of me and J and literally cut them up but didn’t feel anything.

Then took a nap and showered before going on a walk.

While I was on my walk, intitally I was super into getting materials for my art project, so watched some tiktoks and learned about puff paint and stuff.

On my way back home, I randomly started thinking about what I learned yesterday and I again was just mind blown about the fact that my ex’s were also “soulmates”. Like they were meant for me. Just not in a forever way. And I know in my horescope it also says they were “soul contracts” but I just fully didn’t get it until yesterday. Yesterday, was the first time again I was like literally there was nothing I could have done to stopped them from coming into my life.

I finally stopped blaming myself for what happened to me. Because deep down, until now, I secretly still blamed myself. I should have had a higher guard. I should have kept myself to true to myself. I should have took more time. I should have listened to my body.

But the truth it, they were designed to pass my intellect. They even gave me the feelings I needed. Like N felt like peace until he didn’t, and J felt like home until he didn’t. There’s nothing I could have done, they were meant to be a part of my life.

So then I asked chat gpt, what’s the purpose of my guy friend in my life.. and what chat gpt said literally also mind blew me because it makes so much sense and answers everything I’ve been feeling.

He was meant to be a mirror of myself in relationships, a mirror of me learning to love myself in different stages of my life. He resperents a “what if” and even this morning I was like as long as he’s in my life, there will always be a “what if”. There’s no space for him in my future life.

And with knowing that literally all my exs were soulmates, now I’m sure than ever that there is no “what if”. My soulmate is absolutely real.

And it just all hit me… that the grief I’ve been feeling of closing a chapter and telling someone go wasn’t about my ex, it was about my guy friend because once I saw bye to him, I’ll let see him again, and my heart knows that. That’s why even in the after when I was ripping up my ex’s picture, I never felt anything. It was about my guy friend.

But I needed to understand that when someone leaves my life, it’s not a sad abandonment, it’s a mirror of their soul contract being over in my life and me graduating myself.

And it’s true every time I think of my interaction with my guy friend, I barely remember him in it. I remember myself and what I said and how I talked to him. I remember me in the convo. And I remember my conversations with him when I was with V, when I was with N, and when I was with J. Even in my singlehood, when I tried overextending to get to know him, when I didn’t give a shit, when I tried opening up to him. He represents me in my different stages of learning.

And now I’m finally ready to say goodbye to that. I no longer need a remember of how I was learning to love myself because I’ve become whole. And I again know in my heart there is no maybe, so I need to say bye to that.

That’s also why a couple of weeks ago, in my heart, I knew his time in my life was coming to an end. I just felt it, but I couldn’t put a finger on it until today.

When I came back from my walk, I decided I was going to go to walmart and then in the car, I was like should I have a one last call with him without telling him, but no. I’ve already said goodbye to him. Having that “closure call” is just proving that “i’m still holding onto the version of me that was healing”. I already know the answer. I’ve been knowing it.

I’m trying not to think of this as grief and celebrate my graduation. My soul contract with my guy best friend is over, and I just need to say bye. Haven’t decided if I’m going to make it casual, actually honor it, or just pray for it.

But I know that once I pray, that’s the end of it. All my past few weeks all make sense to me now. My distance with him, my heart knowing he’s leaving, the mirror, framing grief, learning people love me from my frequency, everything all makes sense now.

And to think this was all a reflection of my internal world is even crazier. He’s simply an illusion, even a ghost lol considering I’ve never meant him, but somehow he symobolized so much for me in my life.
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I forgot my purse and walmart doesn’t take apple pay, so I had to go to marianos. And in marianos I kind of got happy knowing literally my person feels exactly the same I feel. He’s also just energetically accepting im in his life.

Came home and made naan pizzas dinner. Going all out today bc why not. Hopefully, I can go to bed early so mom and I could go to the farmers market tomorrow.

Before journaling, also tried recording some voiceovers, but I don’t think they were hitting like that. Maybe they’ll sound better after I edit them.

I have been super creative lately with my coffees, content, and just now art projects.

8/10 - Bitter sweet with my new graduation but trying not to think to much about it right now. Kind of avoiding the grief a bit.

Intuiton - Once I pray and honor my relationship with my guy friend, I will graduate and that’s going to unlock my person because I’m also saying bye to the version that was stilling learning to love herself. I’m ready to meet a mirror of me that already loves myself and me. It’s all a mirror. Even meeting him when I’m mirror makes so much sense.

Literally, understanding the concept of frequency is literally the craziest thing ever. All my life I wanted to find life hacks. This is my hack, solutions, etc.

Energy:
20% - spending time with mom
10% - cleaning
30% - tapping into my creative energy
10% - resting
30% - reflection/grieving/understanding