7/25/25 - Soul Gradution not abandonment
I had another nightmare again. I feel like recently I’ve been getting all my lessons through my dreams.
Basically, I was somehow hanging out with J’s friends in his apartment, and never ran into him, and when I woke up that broke me, because I know that in my life once someone is done, literally I will never see them ever again.
And I kind of just woke up feeling a sense of grief, like endings, and I know he doesn’t mean anything to me but the fact that once it’s my last time talking to someone, it’s done felt like I’ve endured so many “deaths” in my life. It literally feels like a close person dying because when I break up with someone, I’m close to them and then after that I never see/hear from them again. Literally a death. No matter how much I try, they’re gone, like they died. And in my dream, literally I was in his apartment and I never saw him, which again feels like they’ve died.
And idk why but that just broke me even though it’s something I already know and that’s why when I talked to them for the last time, I always said everything I wanted to say to feel closure cause I know once they’re gone, they’re gone.
I had to ask chatgpt to help me reframe, and it did. It’s not that they left, it’s that their chapter is over. The soul contact is over, just like any other chapter in my life. I don’t live in SF anymore, neither will I ever be in the same houses I lived in there. The period certain things are supposed to be in my life is over, and it’s okay. It’s not abandoment, even though until now it did. It felt like death. But in reality, it’s like a graduation. I moved up a level, I moved on to my next chapter.
-
For work, had a couple of meetings, it was one of the guys’ last day and honestly felt sad for him leaving.
I felt better about the whole needing to perform to value myself thing. It’s crazy how I kind of knew that about other people, like I knew if other people only saw value in me if I gave them something, they were wrong about me, but I hadn’t internalized it for myself.
Like if I don’t perform, do i still love and respect myself? And until now i don’t think I did. But it also feels so freeing knowing that the people that love me, love me for me. Just because of my frequency, just like I love other people the same way. I love my best friend just for being her and my mom. They literally don’t have to do anything. It’s just their presence. And that’s how I should love myself. My presence, frequency, vibration that I was literally born with. Nothing I do or don’t do will change it.
And tbh even though it was something that was so hard to accept, it also felt so freeing.
- .
On the other note, I HIT MY WEIGHT GOAL TODAY! 120! CRAZYYYYYYYYYYY, I did it. And I’m so proud of myself.
I also paid my car off today too, so that’s all cleared out too. Again proud of myself for it too.
-
After my meetings, I ate and then watched TV with mom. She was out in the morning. And then work started pinging me and I literally almost saved the day with something last minute because I was the only one that knew how to send emails out.
Side note - malta guy also emailed me saying they agreed on terms but I hadn’t gotten the contract yet.
-
After that whole mess, I decided I wante to go to solid core. I’m losing weight but I still don’t feel toned, so time to tone up. And I also felt like I had energy to do some strength training. Went on a quick 20 minute walk in boystown since I got their early before my 8pm class.
-
While I was walking, I couldn’t help but think literally every boyfriend that’s been in my life literally has to have been written in because they literally caught my attention in what I wanted and also taught me what I needed to learn from them as soul contract, and that to me feels insane. Like that they were literally written in my destiny because there’s no way that anyone else would grab my attention and teach me too. Literally I couldn’t outsmart anything, it was written for me.
But that also gave me hope that my person is also written for me. There is someone that will be everything I want them to be. Because if the frequency of someone that’s supposed to teach me a lesson can match so well at the right time, so can someone that’s supposed to my person. I will hopeful.
-
Class was good, I was shaking. I literally thought I blacked out for a sec and my body was just moving, the soul wasn’t there. I don’t feel sore now, but I wonder if I’ll feel sore tomorrow. I was going to treat myself but decided to go home and eat healthier instead.
While I was eating, my mom starts having a meltdown saying my dad was acting up again and she thought that would piss me off, but honestly, I was so calm. And I talked to her to let her know literally anything he says or does it’s going to change her life. Her nervous system was going crazy but I talked it out with her and I felt her energy coming down and by the end of she felt better.
I also told her if she wanted a new phone and wanted to help me out, she was going to start her own business. Lifting the pressure from myself of needing to provide for her, keeping her busy, etc. Now she has a path to be self-dependent without living in survival mode.
To me, that was so valuable, that in such tense situations in which I would lose my shit too. I’m calm, and I calm my mom too. The feeling of it is so unexplainable.
6/10 - The emotional shadow days these past few days have been insane but I see the growth and need
Intuition - my person is out there
Energy:
20% - calming myself down/reframing perspective
15% - proud of myself
15% - work
15% - calming my mom down
15% - pushing my body to its limits
20% - grounding
