7/24/25 - regulating my nervous system to equate value with results/performance
Last night, before going to bed, I decided to have a movie night and watch Devil Meets Prada because I saw a bunch of tiktoks on Devil Meets Prada 2 filming and wanted to know the plot a bit. Made me realize that I never liked fashion because I felt like things just never fit me right.
Randomly, also hyped up about wanting to go to Portland, I decided I wanted to try making a hotel voiceover video to see if I could get a free hotel room. But also just feels like chasing energy.
I can never tell between if I’m chasing things or just going out of my comfort zone to unlock a new level for myself and open doors. I’m trying to just be like if the universe wants me to do it, it will find a way but maybe I should sitll make the hotel video and just post it. Not go around try to sell it.
After that, a little bit of last night and this morning, my nervous system was going haywire. I felt anxiousy to be super productive for work and get a lot done. I know how to not perform and be okay with not doing anything for only a certain period of time, until I feel like I’m “ahead” but the minute I feel like I’m not bringing in any value, I go crazy and start to overperform and sell my soul.
But this time, I said no. I’m going to act like I already did a bunch of work and do whatever comes my way as needed.
I also had a little shit show with the malta event organizers, the negotiations have literally been beyond draining and the value we’re getting isn’t really great at all, but I’m choosing peace. I don’t give a shit. My boss just wants the event to happen at this point, and I could care less. I don’t think he really cares for the value we’re getting, so why do I care. So for the first time, I negotiated but also chose peace.
Ate tacos with mom for lunch, and then went outside on my porch to just sit. It’s 90 degrees but in a comforting way, where I just feel so much at peace sitting outside.
Then went back inside to take my meeting, and even in the meeting, I chose peace. I’m not playing extra hard to negotiate and get the most value. I could care less. Neither am I making the effort to do a day trip for this. Way too much work. If my boss wants more hands-on events, he can hire more people to be a part of the marketing team.
I’m no longer selling my soul for work, or overextending myself in any parts of my life.
I want to work from peace, not peace and urgency. So yeah, I need to send over some things now for the event but because I feel like working, not cause I need to overextend myself to prove my value so I don’t get fired.
Anyways, came back to my porch while it was drizzling and now just journaling and may watch a movie or even nap but I also want to go on a walk.
-
At work, I recently realized I’ve been spoon feeding everyone everything, using my own emotional intelligence to fill the gaps and making everyone else’s life easier but mine.
-
I decided to sip on my adaptogenic drink and watch confessions of a shopolic to chill out and then decided to go on a walk. But had a whole meltdown while I was on the walk on just feeling like a failior if this malta deal goes through, like will my boss think “wth did she do” just feeling like I had to make this deal happen to prove myself. And honestly I was spiraling but out of nowhere, I was like what if my employee came to me with the same issue where I knew she was working on something for months and trying her best but the other people were just being unreasonable. Would I put this on her? I would never. I would actually feel sad for her but it would never be on her, especially if I saw all the work she put in.
So why am I being so hard on myself. Regardless of what my boss say or does, I know that if I was his shoes I would never feel like she was a failure, so I shouldn’t put that same pressure on me.
At the day, it’s up to me as the boss if I want a better deal or if I want to drop it. It’s on me, not her. So same way, it’s not my boss if this deal goes through or not. Not me.
Today and yesterday the leo new moon is just really kicking my ass in learning my value does not come from results/performance.
It’s so much more harder than I thought it would be. But literally need to keep reminding myself that nothing is going to happen to me and even if it does fuck it.
Like what’s the worst that can happen? He fires me? fuck it. I’ve already mentally accepted that I’ll be parting ways within a year.
The universe can literally not give me abundance if I just want to keep working for it.
Anyways, I felt very called by nature today. So I literally touched a tree on my walk. Touched the grass.
And spontaneously came home and went to the beach to see the sunset because free will and I just wanted too, and I saw the prettiest sunset where I thought I was going to shed a tear. Like it was just so unreal with the clouds, that I couldn’t believe it. Even touched the sand and water.
On my way home, I tried this new bubble tea place out. Basically my girl dinner, and now I’m sititng on my porch again.
I’ve just been feeling like nature is calling me today. Like the need to ground but not from anxiety.
-
Another thing from yesterday that Idk if I touched on but was pissing me off was that I originally went in for an oil change and then he was like oh I need to change my brakes. Part of me internally knew, that it just felt rushed, and if I listened to myself, I would have been able to come back the next day to use another coupon and would have gotten a $150 discount, but nope, I fell into the urgency. I did notice it 20 minutes after he said it but it was too late because they started taking apart my breaks.
Most of life’s worse decisions have been in dating because of feeling the urgency when my body usually immediately feels like something is wrong.
It’s crazy how my body genuinely does have all the answers, and I’m just now learning to listen and trust it.
8/10 - Crazy nature day but I think I’m releasing something important even if it feels hard. Throughout my day, I did feel very grateful for the wonderful and blessed life I live. Like even being able to sit in nature, do whatever I want to do, be with my mom, live by a beach, eat healthy food,
Intuition - Nothing is going to happen to me. I’m protected. But literally I need to stop freaking out if the results aren’t there. Who gives a shit. It’s a job.
Alsoooo I hit 121.2 pounds, hoping I keep it up and hit my goal weight of 120 pounds soon. The last time I was literally that weight was when I was 12, when my dad left.
Energy:
50% - training my nervous system to be okay with no results/performance
25% - connecting with nature
25% - trying to calm myself and slow down