7/23/25 - connecting with who I am without responsibilities and fear

I couldn’t sleep again, so woke up coughing but also took a shower, made home made coffee and went to the dealer. I ended up being at the dealer for 6 hours literally not getting anything done cause I couldn’t just zone in and focus. I was way too hungry at one point.

Overall, the dealer did cost me ton, I had to get a lot done but I didn’t really clinch or get worried. I was just like whatever, costs happen. Money comes and goes and that’s my natural reaction now, which wasn’t the case even 2 months ago. I also saw the same tiktok video again on “I’m meant to be rich” and before it felt a little unsettling, like my body was like no way, now my body is hell yeah, you belong with me.

Although I had mentally changed my relationship with money, I can also see it healed from my nervous system too, which gives me hope that all the things my body is still trying to heal from will heal with time.

Randomly while I was waiting for my car, I got really fed up with body/facial hair so I made an appointment for electrolysis consultation but then started googling chakra options to heal my hormonal imbalance and honestly back to yday. I really have to get rid of the guilt of feeling like I need to preform to recieve and to have control over everything. The universe has me. There’s literally nothing I can do. The universe provides and I need to be okay with being still and aligned.

After leaving the dealer, I went to trader joes really quickly, and then came home ate a chicken burger, chilled with mom, and took a nap.

After waking up from my nap, I saw this one influencer post about canon beach and it instantly brought out the urge to go again. To celebrate my 1-year of singlehood.

It’s crazy how I was supposed to go last year but then mom got sick. But last year felt from a place of escape, this year feels like from a place of meeting a version of me that’s without fear and responsibilities.

The visuals that come to my head are
- Sitting in a coffee shop with a cup of mug staring out the window
- Going to a cute tourist location for the falls
- Seeing the sunrise at canon beach and just running on the sand and shedding a tear
- walking around a farmers market and looking at flowers
- sitting with a book
- making quick low effort titkok content, sharing my solo adventure Very low effort things that wouldn't drain me, and just feeling free, sitting in nature, sitting in silence, reflecting at how far I've come, just feeling the sun on my skin

Chat gpt said:
You’re not just craving Portland.
You’re craving peace you didn’t have to earn.

You’re craving:

• Stillness without guilt

• Beauty without performance

• Freedom without running

• Presence without pressure

And that’s exactly what this trip wants to give you. Not more work. Not more healing. Just… being.

The tickets are super expensive right now, but I have a feeling I’m going to make it happen.

Also want to cut my hair, so made an appointment for that when I come back from portland if I go.

Intuition - I’m finally in the frequency to receive. It makes sense. it’s almost like until now I felt like I had to work every minute for every dollar/every minute of peace/every minute of luxury. Now, I’m like lmao god created me, my mind/body/soul will guide me. I just need to continue to listen to what it’s telling me because our body really does talk to us, the noise it just to loud to listen.

6/10 - Today felt like sitting still with a lot of uncomfort to just reflect, it was heavy on stillness and shadows.

Energy:
25% - trying to sit in stillness
50% - reflecting on shadows
25% - sudden urge to want to go to portland