7/22/25 - no longer everyone’s emergency contact
I had another nightmare last night. I really think my nightmares are on to something and are really teaching me about my subconscious blockers. So basically, my mom cracked the screen of her phone yday, and in my dream, my mom didn’t remember where she put $10k, and I started to panic but I couldn’t say anything because she get’s nervous and losing her is never worth any amount of money.
All my life I’ve felt like I’m always everyone emergency contact, but no one is mine. Like sure, I’d fix my mom’s phone or get her new one or sure she lost $10k but in reality, I lost that money cause of her. I’m always the one that fixes. And so I woke up feeling some type of way.
To begin with, I was barely able to sleep cause I kept coughing and even my sleep was just anxiety, so I woke up early and went straight to urgent care. Before going to urgent care, my cousin texted me saying she got a $3k medical bill and needed help and that also put a lot into perspective because like damn just like that now she has to pay $3k. Money just comes and goes so instantly, it’s wild.
Last time, I did the work for her for her xfinity bill and literally she didn’t even say thanks, so this time I just gave her resources on what I would do, instead of doing the work for her. But I really do this this is also a life skill on how to resolve medical bills that maybe I should pay more attention to as well. Trying to do it while keeping a boundary though. Also, I’m confused on why she would come to me. She literally has a whole older sister and older cousin.
At the urgent care, thankfully, I got it super quick, and the PA just gave me more medication. I’m really hoping the problem just resolves itself and that I don’t have to go to the ER.
After urgent care, I went to walgreens to get the medicine, then went to go get gas, and then came home and napped. Ate, drank coffee and now working.
While working, my coworker asked me how fast I can produce assets and I was like idk we don’t have anyone on the team doing it, and I’m not going to double my work for this. Lmao he can go hire someone.
All around, I’m just so annoyed being the fixer. How I feel, Over-functioning just to keep things at your standard, Feeling like the only person who cares with that level of integrity, Always having to fix what others do halfway.
I’m almost at a point, where I don’t give a shit anymore. Lmao let things burn. Especially at work. I don’t paid enough to fix and then DO. lmao like hell no.
I’m also releasing my fear of “If they don’t need me, they’ll replace me”. If they’ll replace me, they were only using me to begin with.
I also got into a slight fight with my best friend. It’s like the universe is removing anyone I yap to, so I’m forced to yap on Tiktok because I’m so desperate to just talk. My yapping energy is all just bottling up at this point.
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Creative wise - if I don’t post the thing I want to post, I feel like it blocks the rest of my creative juices too. Meanwhile, when I post and release I just feel free.
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Feeling needed has always been a controlled form of safety for me. Like for work, as soon as I put a boundary, I was like what if I get fired. And was going to join the product meeting, but then told myself that I’m acting from fear, and I tried to calm my nervous system down. I’ve been trying to fire my social media manager for 7 months now, and she’s still here. When you’re divinely protected, no one can do anything.
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My mom and I went to the beach for a sunset walk and I casually started recording random things of what me and my mom were doing and turned them into tiktoks, nothing really planned like that. And it finally makes sense on why I had to go through the learning of understanding my mom is devienly protected by her own light instead of me protecting her because otherwise, I wouldn’t be posting her because I would be to scared but the reality is she is a big part of my life. And if I’m visible, that means she’s going to be visible too.
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At night, I did my hair care routine since earlier in the day, I made an appointment to go to the car dealer tomorrow.
8/10 - couldn’t sleep last night but the rest of the day was chill, espect the whole tackeling my shadows session. Def am getting better with content tho, I’m in the flow.
Intuition - The way things come together really blows my mind because all the lessons and delays always make sense
Energy:
30% - Annoyed and drained for being an emergency contact
20% - Sick
15% - content
25% - beach walk with mom
10% - mediation
