7/9/25 - Safety is internal not external
I ended up working late last night to send the email I needed to send out. Literally sent it at 1am, so woke up today, and washed my hair. I haven’t been really liking the new shampoo that I got, feels like it makes my hair too dry.
But anyways, while showering, I thought about 2 things.
1. Safety is always internal not external. It’s literally being grounded and connected to your soul, body, and mind. I saw some video of how the love island influencer was getting death threats and how she was so scared. This is literally just the start. Even if I get what I want, but end up becoming famous, literally people are going to know everything about me or even cancel culture And when I get marrried of become a mom, that’s also on a whole another level. There’s genuinely always going to be something to be shitless scared about or feel unsafe about it. I literally can not live in fear my whole life.
2. Every time I buy my mom something, there’s this weird tension in the air. Almost because she feels awkward just receiving. She’s always been the provider, so she doesn’t know how to react when someone pays for her and she can’t pay them back. And at first I was mad at her, but that’s literally how I am on every date possible.
I feel like I always reach out and pay because I don’t know how to deal with the tension. So I feel like it meant to teach me more and show me a reflection of myself. But idk how to fix it. Like going on a first date, and not even offering feels soooo weird to me but I’m the one that always ends up paying and I can’t be in my femine energy if I’m always paying.
That’s also not how I want my future relationship to be. Neither am I like that. If I invite someone somewhere, I make sure to pay. So I why am I paying for someone to take me on a date. I need to value my time and energy because wtf.
Part of me feels like I’m still battling between lover girl energy and bad bitch don’t waste my time energy.
Anyways, after showering, worked a bit, and then made myself lunch and coffee. Had a decaf coffee with my protein milk, but it ended up being too sweet and gave me a headache. And then had a chicken burger.
Watched TV with mom, and then went to my room to go work again before going to the bank. Also, blow dried my hair.
At the bank, I needed to do a cashier’s check for the IRS and that was a whole mess cause I needed to send it to the United States Treasory instead, so need to go back again tomorrow to figure that out.
And then came back and went to whole foods with my mom to do some returns. Mom went to aldi while I was at whole foods, and again saw something on my feed about safety, so literally my sign that I literally am safe.
At whole foods, I kind of had a sudden urge to be like i want wine, and I clearly am ready to start dating again. Idk if I might break my steaks.
Traffic hit, so it took forever coming home and I was starving, so my mom made me uttapum and basically had my dinner at 5pm.
worked some more, and then took a nap, before waking up and going to sephora to do some returns. On the way, I wanted to stop at dairy star, so mom and I went there and had funnel cake. Ngl it was too soggy and we didn’t finish all of it but we ate.
Also am officially caught up with love island now and sadly didn’t go on my walk today. I also got a new toothbrush, so excited to try it out.
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I’m journaling right now, and it’s so dead silent. I love it. Just so peaceful.
9/10 - Peaceful day but again I wish my work productivity just increases. I have so much stuff I still need to get done.
Intuiton - I am safe, and it’s okay to slow down.
Energy:
30% - Trying to be produtive
70% - Slowing down and just listening to my body again
