7/4 - Feeling hurt

Today really hurt me and honestly I haven’t felt this sad in a while so it hit even more. After talking to my physic yesterday and just the feelings I’ve been feeling the past couple of days to give my mom more attention, I decided that I was going to act like her husband and give her the love she deserved to heal her inner child because we don’t need to wait on anyone. And while thinking about it, I was like I need to hold myself accountable and also I need to make content everyday too, so why not mash up my two wants and make a whole tiktok series on “Giving my mom the love she deserves day 1”.

My main goal for today was just to make sure we spent quality time together and that I could just make her feel safe. I bought tickets to go see the new jurrastic park movie too and was going to take her out to dinner. I ate lunch with her, watched a TV show, helped her clean up, and every told her to get ready and got ready myself. Almost like we were going on a date. Before leaving, I told her to twirl and just wanted to really get her in an excited energy. We brought snacks from home but also got nachos at the movies, and I even took her picture whenever she wanted me to. I brought a blanket so we could cuddle. When the movie started, i would feed her nachos, hold her hand, and even explain to her what was happening.

A part of me was starting to get a bit drained but I wanted to keep it together and just really enjoy my time and make her feel wanted.

When we got to the car, we talked about my friends wedding, and asked me how much she spent. I told her $70k, and then she asked me how much money I had saved and I was just getting uncomfortable, so i was like I’m not telling anyone. And then she started talking about how she had nothing additonal saved, and that my dad sold my share of the gold he was supposed to give me.

And all this just really triggered me, and made me crash out, because why the fuck would she start talking about all this shit when we were clearly having a good day. Like why the fuck was this necessary.

And then she got mad at me for crashing out and said “don’t take me anywhere, if you’re going to yell at me after” and that she can’t tell me anything.

And all this just pissed me off even more to the point I was losing it because everything in me just wanted to save the day and not claim it ruined, especially since I decided I wanted to be there for her and give her love.

I’m just so sad now because I want to be there for my mom and really make her feel safe, like I wanted this concept to be successful but now I’m mad and I feel like I’m not even allowed to be mad because she’s my mom and if something happened to her while I was mad, I would hate myself. Plus I can’t see tears in her eyes. I genuielyy want her to be the happiest person and I don’t want to cause her pain.

But what about me. What about hurting me. Her saying all that stuff made my anxiety go up instantly, like do I have enough money to help both of us survive. Will I have enough money for my wedding? My own dad betrayed me. I have no one. Will anyone marry me. I just started being so triggered.

And she does this all the time, where we’ll go do something and she something so fucked up that it triggers me to another level and we can’t come back from it and go home mad and I just spend my night crying cause I’m so sad.

And it reminded me that that’s why I can’t spend too much time with her. The thing is I don’t want to have boundaries with her. She’s my mom and she’s my only family and I’m hers. I love her too. But she just doesn’t get it.

Part of me is like I should give her space to tell me anything, but what about me?! She was literally saying shit that my triggering me to another level, unlocking all my abandonment and safety issues and just causing so much anxiety. On top of that she started saying shit like “maybe I’m a burden and should just go somewhere” which made me feel even more horrible. Cause wtf.

And now it hurts even more because today is 4th of july and that’s my memory of today, I’m alone sad in my room while there are constant fireworks going off and I hear them from my window.

I’ve worked soo hurt to tell myself that money is subjectlve, god has me, and I will be safe and secure. And that whatever my family does to me as betrayal is not my problem. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t get triggered. Literally my body starts reacting.

She puts me back in fight or flight mode because she hasn’t healed from that. So when ever we’re at peace, she feels guilty that' she’s not working and contributing and brings that anxiety to me. And I just can’t deal with because I’ve worked so hard to overcome that and ever accept being a provider. Like you think I’m overjoyed? no. I’m just trusting god has my back. And I’m trying to not be scared of money, and heal that relationship.

But like wtf everything she was saying was just triggering me.

I was so excited to do a voiceover tonight too and now I'm just thrown off and don't want to do anything but cry in bed.

I feel alone. I’m honestly so tired. I just keep fighting and fighting and I stay so strong. But there’s no one for me. There’s no one to hold me and love me and be there for me.

-

After my crashout, I decided I was just going to get pizza so I did and I feel like I got a little more level headed where I was at a point where I was taking on the role of my mom’s husband and trying to save her. I can’t save anyone. And I’m not meant to be a husband. I’m her daughter. Maybe this was a sign that I can’t abandon myself to save people. I can’t overextend myself and pain to be the bigger person.

I’m human too. And I can love her like a daughter. I can’t fullfill the wound someone else left her because clearly she dragged me down today too. I tried healing her money and abandonment wounds but her wounds were so deep that she opened mine too and projected all her anxiety on me.

4/10 - It started off so good and ended so bad.

Intuition - I’m allowed to be hurt too.

Energy:
50% - Making my mom feel loved
50% - Feeling sad and unloved