7/5 - Allowed to take space

I’ve started to just record my journals and it feels like I’m talking to someone. Writing seems to be like work now and not an outlet anymore, so I wonder how long I’m going to continue them, but I do just like having record of everything. That has to be my biggest flex of the year, knowing that I know exactly what I did and felt every single day for a year.

Anyways, I woke up today still pretty mad, so I just layed in bed and watched love island. I’ve also been sleeping with my contacts for a couple of days now and I hate it. I tell myself I’m just going to close my eyes and fully knock out.

But okay decided I was going to get up and do my errands, so I got ready and while I was showering and even on my way out, i was debating if I wanted to call my aunt to rant to her and just tell her everything I’ve been feeling just because I honesrly needed to just let it out. My mom and I didn’t talk the whole day.

I didn’t even tell her I was going out.

But I went to Old orchard mall, and on my drive there I was literally just disecting everything I was feeling. And like what was exposed yesterday. Why did I feel so triggered and how could I have stopped it. I also kept thinking about love island and how I was literally like huda and I kept getting guys like Jeremiah in my life. Like it was literally the story of my life.

Idk what I can do differently and I think I just am so scared of it happening again that I don’t even put myself in a dating situation anymore.

Anyways, I got myself a green goddess smoothie from cupitol, walked into hollister but didn’t like anything there and then went to the Nespresso store. I was so awkward when I walked in and a bit confused. Tried a new flavor too but didn’t really like it, and then just got a couple of pods. My nesspresso is coming tomorrow, so I’m really excited. I’m definitely turning more and more into a home body now, which to me is something I would have never expected a couple of years ago.

After the mall, I went to Jewel to get heavy whipping cream and stuff for my cold foam to put in my coffee, and then went to khols to do some returns.

Came home, ate pizza, and fell asleep for like 2 hours. Woke up and was doing some banking stuff, but also decided to go on my walk, and got my 10k steps in. It was so hot today. On my walk, I recorded a rant on how I want my content to be a mixture of my goals and something I already do. I didn’t want it to be fake. Like I walk every day, maybe something with that? Clearly the mom concept didn’t work out.

After coming up it literally took me over an hour to make my banana cold foam that I came into my room and just watched love island after that.

During my night scroll, I did see a lot of family pictures and honestly part of me wishes I had a big family, but at the same time I don’t even get along with my current family. I choose to not hang out with them.

I also saw stuff on the new bill and got a little freaked out. Like should I even be going to SF next weekend. But I can’t let fear control me. God is protecting me and my mom.

On the note, I think i also reflected on something super important today while I was reflecting on the other stuff. I made a list of all things and one thing is that I don’t allow myself to be mad or take space from a loved one because what if that’s the last time I see or talk to them. I don’t want that to be the memory I have from it.

I think that’s what drives me even more crazy with my mom and the need to save the day because what if my mom and I are mad and I lose her. That’s my worse nightmare.

I felt this anxiety with relationships too and would feel the need to never go to bed angry because of it. I always needed closure and almost “chased” because of it.

But I need to heal from it and remind myself that when I have memories of people and things, I think of the entirety of the relationship not the end because I know the end doesn’t define the person or relationship. It’s a weak point.

So I’m allowed to take space and be mad. I won’t lose them, and even if I do god, and me and them know my heart because that’s the person I am. They won’t judge me for my anger. And I can’t hold myself in this positon all my life because it’s acting from the fear of losing them. And again. Anything from fear is not the right answer.

Intuition - I feel like my fight with my mom exposed a lot of week points, but I’m still figuring out exactly what they were.

5/10 - Very chill self day. Literally didn’t talk to a single human being all day.

Energy:
50% - Reflecting
50% - Doing things for myself