12/30/25 - Abundance is capacity, Alignment is clean action, Motion from a calm nervous system
I ended up watching a cute Christmas movie at night in my room, but then when it came to go to sleep, I was getting freaked out again, so I went into my mom’s room.
Earlier in the day, I saw a video about people having imposter syndrome about a basic kitchen job. So I started wondering about my imposter syndrome.
I don’t want to expect too much from life and be disappointed. I think that’s a little of what happened this year. I was so convinced that my life was going to look so different physically, like I was going to have a blowup of success. It was like a mismatch of my expectations versus reality, even though I really am a different person now. But also, I don’t want to not dream more because I do know life matches people at their audacity.
Side note - It totally makes sense why I didn’t get married to any of my exes because this version of me, the truest version, would never tolerate them. I would have literally gotten divorced from any or all of them.
Anyways, I asked chat how do I get over the imposter syndrome and get myself to deserve more.
Chat said, my imposter syndrome is “if I receive more without effort, justification, or struggle. ' " I’m doing something wrong.”
Which is I get but also don’t get. Get in the terms of when I say something and no one asks questions, I get confused of if they just don’t get it, so I over-explain. Cause them getting things at the first shot seems impossible for me.
But at the same time.. I don’t believe in overworking anymore. I actually want life to hand me things. I don’t want to ask for things anymore.
Chat said, first of all “deserving” shouldn’t be my metric “capacity” should be.
What can I hold without falling a part. Think capacity.
Also, I need to learn how to receive without paying back. Because that’s not abudant recieving then. If I always feel like I have to pay back, how much can I pay back?
And I need to let myself be seen without performing. Which is where capturing moments instead of curating is going to come into place.
And I don’t need to prove readiness for whatever is meeting me. Which I can see also see happening a bit. My coworker picked me to be her recommender for her applications and I’m trying to subconsiously prove that I “deserve” it, that I can “rise” up to the standard. By trying to give really good responses, making sure I’m answering everything quickly, proving i’m on top of it, showing the advisor that I’m smart too even though I don’t have an MBA.
It’s all performance and in the moment, I felt uneasy about it but couldn’t put a finger on it. She chose me, knowing me. I don’t need to prove anything.
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I also thought when you’re aligned, things just come to you. Maybe that’s what I’ve been waiting for. But instead it’s “clarity”. Not just not doing anything.
It’s lower inner friction. Like I just know what I should be doing. Whether it’s resting, working, reaching out, or posting. Alignment is from the version of myself that I do these things.
Apparently, alignment isn’t reward. It’s the engine.
The ease isn’t the actual level of work.. the ease is from no mental stress over it.
Then I asked, What’s the difference between urgency and pull? Sometimes I feel pulled to do something and feel restless until I do it.
Pull is when the action wants to move through me. It’s asking for motion. Almost like what I felt when posting that day.
If I think my self-worth is going to drop if I don’t do it right then and there, then that’s urgency.
For the posting, I didn’t think I was going to be irrelevant or anything. I knew I would be fine if I didn’t post too, but I WANTED to post. Like I was dying to express.
Basically, urgency is coming from needing validation. Pull is idgaf what anyone says or thinks. I just know I need to do this.
Also, learning stillness + movement can coexist. Apparently, stillness isn’t not doing anything. It’s not losing my center. The inner state is still.
I can still be posting, dancing, working while my inner state is still/chill. Basically, my feeling of peace.
I literally had like 10 different click moments.
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Anyways, I ended up sleeping at 3am and woke up feeling unsettled again, almost like there was a knot in my throat. Like my survival identity is officially ready to leave my body and I need to cry it all out. So I’m doing my vibration plate today and I booked a yin yoga session.
Anyways, showered, make an anxiety dump list, then went to patel brother’s to get some stuff and someone I knew asked me for fafsa advice.
Idk what happened but it like triggered a whole rant with my mom when I came home. These were the same people who judged my life when I was little, and now are asking me for advice for their kids. No one knows what you go through and what you overcame until they’re in that same position.
Also had a whole talk with my mom about how again people just assume things based on what they would do. lmao most of them think I can’t get married because I can’t pull anyone. They can’t fathom the fact that I’m waiting for my absolute person and the time hasn’t happened yet.
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Anyways, I was still feeling anxiety of all the things I needed to get done and just tons of pressure. Overall was feeling super ungrounded, so I asked myself what does my heart what to do right now, trying to
And tbh it wanted to watch netflix and chill. So that’s what I did until I had to go to yoga class. It was snowing and I was listening to DJN’s playlist. Again so healing. It just felt perfect. The snow. The christmas decor. The quiteness. The calm playlist. I’m also discovering more and more songs that I like from it.
Got to yoga and for the first 20 minutes, my brain was all over the place and couldn’t focus, but then I told myself I need to focus. The key to calming my nervous system is being present in the now. There’s nothing I can do right now besides focusing on yoga. Slowly, I started coming back to myself and also realized that if I feel anxiety to do things itself not that I should do them, it’s that I shouldn’t do them from an unregulated nervous system/scattered brain. That’s what the whole “urgency” thing really means. Felt somewhat at peace and less scattered by the end of it.
At home, did my vibration plate, and from a calm mind, I got to work on the recommendation letter stuff. It literally took a couple of hours and I literally entered my NYE doing it. Smh the commitment.
The universe is basically telling me I don’t have to do things from anxiety anymore. I can do it from a place of groundedness even if I feel pressure for the deadline. Fast motion is possible, it just has to be from a grounded place.
I feel like I learned a lot today but still need to really internalize it all to make sure it lasts. It all clicks, but just an overload.
Intuition - What is the cleanest action I can take right now that would keep my center. Also doing everything from a place of groundedness is key.
7/10 - Felt a lot of anxiety for most of the day but ended it grounded again
Energy:
50% - trying to calm my anxiety down
25% - too many lessons/reflections
25% - calming my nervous system down
