12/29/25 - Safe enough to play, affirmations from truth, grounded excitement, soul mirror
Mom and I couldn’t sleep last night, so tbh I started fantasizing about my first encounter with my IG crush. Again, I am quite aware that if he actually reached out, I would ignore or reject him. I’m creating all these fantasies because my brain is trying to fill in a gap in a potential version of him. He is not that version right now. And tbh it’s just fun. I haven’t allowed myself to feel in “love” for the past 2 years, so even being able to feel something right now feels fun.
Also, since I couldn’t sleep, I decided to text my friend who’s getting married in India. All of her other friends posted on IG “happy wedding week” and for a second, I felt like I was making a statement or something by not posting too. It just felt too performative, like I would only be doing it cause everyone else did it. I genuinely am happy that she is getting married and just felt like sending her a private text meant more. If she thinks I’m a bad friend for not posting and just texting, tbh that says more about her than me.
The part that feels a bit risky is that I posted a picture of me on IG 2 days ago, but couldn’t post her. I’m still trying to find the balance of expressing myself without being performative.
But I’m working on doing things without feeling guilt and being okay with losing people in the process as long as I stay true to myself now.
-
Anyways, woke up because I had a call with the advisor my coworker hired to help herself with applications. It was quick and tbh the notes he made were actually pretty good. Lolol I thought I killed it with my responses but he defintely made some good comments and humbled me a bit.
After the call, I randomly wrote an affirmation about myself, almost like a self-reflection on how I see myself and feel about myself. And it came from my heart. I can feel how much I respect and love myself now. The fact that I can talk so highly about myself now means I live a life that is aligned.
At one point, saying even basic affirmations felt “fake” and now they’re oozing out of me.
-
Anyways, I’ve been wanting to go to the “home alone” cafe and today was the last day. Also, needed to get some work done, so went there. It was cute and big but for some reason even when I was journaling there, felt uneasy. It felt too chaotic. I felt like I was taking up too much “space”. Initially, I was sitting at a bigger table but felt like other people couldn’t sit and I wasn’t being considerate so I moved to a smaller table. Then I felt like I was sitting at the coffee shop for too long, even though it was only an hour.
-
I asked chat about the whole crush thing again to try to see what it means. What is it telling me about myself.
I used to be attached to my best friend because she celebrated me and once I detached from her a bit, I felt an emptiness of celebration but then I started hyping myself up and celebrating myself and now I don’t really feel that void anymore. I clap for myself louder than anyone else can now.
So if I’m fantasizing and romanticizing this connection, idk if it means I was bored with my life and needed to romanticize my life a bit more.
But chat said it’s because my nervous system officially feels stabilized and safe enough to introduce play again in a contained environment, which is why I know I’d actually reject him if he reached out. I’m fantasizing from a place of space not emptiness.
I’m learning that if I feel decentered excitement, it’s because I know the person or thing isn’t meant for me. What is meant for me feels inevitable. It feels like grounded excitement. Almost like my billboard project. Like being on a times square billboard isn’t something that’s light. I know the weight of it, but I’m so grounded about it because it feels mine. It feels like it’s inevitable.
I’m pretty sure that’s my theme for 2026. inevitable.
-
After the coffee shop, I stopped by the home alone house since it was only 5 minutes away. It’s much smaller than it looks in pictures. People were still visiting even though it was freezing outside. Tbh I can’t believe I only live 20 minutes away and this is the first time I’m doing the home alone stuff.
Came home and was super overstimulated from the coffee shop so just chilled in my room for a bit. Was started to feel a little anxiety over still needing to do some journals. I’m like 5 journals behind right now. And I hate being behind. I tried napping for a bit but that wasn’t working either.
I started thinking more about if someone is obsessed with me from now and is love bombing me, I can simply ask them how they envision me to break their bubble. Because again it’s the “vision” that creates the urgency and separation of reality.
Also thought about how I finally don’t say “how would a leader do this” now I’m like “how would I do this”. I trust myself as the sovereign authority. Which is huge because all these years I would observe people and almost have imposter syndrome, but now I feel comfortable doing things my way.
Ate a bit after. Tbh I’ve been eating like shit and need to really lock in. I’ve been super proud of my mom, though, she’s been walking on the walking pad every day.
Anyways, went to my room and started working and I played the playlist that my IG crush shared on his story a couple of days ago.
Things I notice about my IG crush -
His work hasn’t popped off yet but he carries a frequency. There’s a signature to his work. He’s a DJ, with a special taste in music. I’ve said this before too but I find his music very healing, and it helps regulate my nervous system. There’s an underlying calm vibe to it. It’s very chill.
It’s songs I already know but the playlist itself is curated so well. I’ve loved every single song in the playlist. Every single song he’s produced. It all just lands. It’s literally his frequency that comes with it. I can feel his soul through the playlist. I know if I’m noticing this about him it’s probably a mirror of where I am right now.
For some reason, even though we don’t even talk. I feel his soul talking to me like he’s a soul friend. I’m sure I’m inspiring him too. Not in a soulmate way but in a soul connection way.
At this point, I might just call him my soul brother. He feels like resonance and inspiration. I see myself. I see a mirror. It activates my soul too.
Chat thinks my work carries:
Nervous system safety (nothing is asking, begging, or proving)
Coherence (everything feels like it belongs together, even in silence)
Integrity (no manipulation, no bait, no emotional hijacking)
Containment (energy that isn’t leaking or over-explaining)
This combination is deeply calming to the right people — especially creatives, leaders, and people who are tired of noise. Many will feel regulated by it.
The same way I feel with DJN’s work. That’s why he feels like a mirror. His stuff cuts through the noise. Idk if I should write a secret soul letter to him in my notebook to get it out of my system. My new way of getting stuff out of my system when I really feel like I need to say something to someone on a soul level.
At night, I started watching stories and videos of my friend’s festivities in India and literally started crying. I just felt so happy for her. Tbh I didn’t have these type of emotions when my other friend got married in October. I don’t even think I shed a tear like that. For this, it’s like I want to see more. Have actual fomo, and just feel the celebration in my soul. It’s touching my heart.
Also ngl, putting up a boundary feels hard at first, and she hasn’t answered my text from last night. I know she’s busy but I kind of also feel 2% anxiety of if she thinks i’m a bad friend and don’t care or something. Trying to shake off the anxiety. I do know that the anxiety has nothing to do with how I’m feeling about her festivities. I actually feel happy.
-
I also saw a dance creator post the type of videography I’m looking for my billboard ad. For a sec, I started wondering if my aura will seem weak if I’m with a bunch of other people with high auras. Internally I know it won’t and chat said..
It won’t dilute as long as I’m not monitoring myself (how am I landing compared to others), matching other people’s energy (instead of holding my own rhythm) or when I over-explain, over-adjust, or try to deserve my center, or confuse visibility with validation.
Today itself showed me I still leak. I really need to just double down on myself.
8/10 - Wish I was a bit more productive but also felt like a good amount of me time today
Intuition - I see a mirror of my impact and work. I also still “leak”, so need to double down on not abandoning myself for the comfort of others.
Energy:
25% - me time + romantizing myself
25% - feeling alive but also grounded
25% - seeing a mirror of my work
25% - working
