12/24/25 - Need to stop asking for proof, gift anxiety, silence isn’t lonely now, it’s peace
Felt a lot better today and just way more clear on this period of my life. It’s the period where I stop second guessing if everything is on the right track. Basically need to elimate all external noise officially and listen to myself internally more than ever.
I need to stop looking for signs, stop revisisting my birth chart with chatgpt over and over again to make sure I’m still on track, stop crashing out every time I feel like nothing is moving, stop feeling anxious about my future, stop making sure if I’m on a path of alignment.
Because everything I’m doing to “just make sure I’m not doing anything wrong” is what’s taking me out of the state of alignment.
Chat asked me a question: “What would I stop doing if I trusted everything I want was inevitable?”
And the answer matches up to the clarity… literally, I would stop wondering if I’m on the right path or not and stop having anxiety over it. The crazy part is this is the exact thing I’ve been telling everyone… “alignment over performance” and even my social media managers.. “Stop looking at what’s working and look inward to see what you think you need to do, and then stay consistent through the noise of things not working”.
Lmfao and that’s exactly what I need to do…
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Anyways, on the other note, I woke up with my SF best friend calling me saying to open the door, it was an instacart gift from sephora. I knew it. Literally I just knew, even before she said anything. It was like an energy thing. So far this energy thing works with 3 people, my chicago best friend, sf best friend, and my other friend that I stopped talking to.
Anyways, I was kind of glad that I ordered her gift yday, but I did keep having gift anxiety the whole day.
I didn’t want her to think I ordered it last minute, which I didn’t. I literally ordered it yday not after I got her gift. But I kept checking to see if it was delivered.
I also sent some other gifts this week too. To another friend’s kids and my work secret santa. Both of them haven’t said anything about receiving it so idk..
But I kind of made peace with it. Checking to see if they know I sent the gift is just giving me anxiety.
I just want to send it and if they see it they see it. Checking to see if they got it, making sure they know I sent it, and then feeling like I gave enough or the right thing is all just too much.
I’m trying to just detach from it all.
My friend’s gift didn’t arrive until late but I started getting anxious in the case it was stolen or something, so I did end up texting her.
In reality, I just want to send things from my capacity, not care, no emotional attachment. I do not want to worry about if I’m giving enough or try to match up to them.
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Back to the gift thing - I sent her to the gift yday without even knowing if she was sending me one. It was just an intuition thing, but I felt weird about it. Not about the actual gift, or money and stuff. Like I didn’t even care about getting one. I just knew she wanted one, and I didn’t want to overextend myself just because I knew she was expecting.
Anyways, this means something to me because I feel like she unlocked another layer of access to me. I’m reallllyyyyyy serious about my money. It’s a Taurus thing. If I spend money on someone from my heart without it being transactional and they already are attached to me to some level, that’s my way of telling them I’m officially committed to them. Late last night, I realized that’s the point in the relationship where things fuck up, and I start to overextend.
Up until the 50%, transactional point, I’m like whatever… if it works it works. But once I pay for expensive things without attachment, that’s when I think of them as serious and they make a way into my heart. It’s like the last layer of commitment, where after that I don’t care about money. Then I would never ruin the relationship over money… Because once I show commitment with money, then I’m all in.
BUT it shouldn’t be that way. That’s how I kept it with my SF best friend. I never overextended myself with money, and that’s what kept me grounded. I told myself she should love me for me, not with how many gifts I offer. That’s why this felt soooo monumental in my friendship with her.
But I think it’s a testing point for me right now, where okay I’ve officially passed my normal threshold and I have to continue to stay grounded. Her access level to me should stay the same. Just cause she passed the money part, doesn’t mean now I’m just overextending all the time like I normally do at this point in relationships.
She is making a way deeper into my heart, and I think I’m scared.
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Today is Christmas eve and all these years I’ve always wanted big elaborate plans. Even last year, we did a Christmas dinner with my mom’s cousin and my cousin all because I wanted to host and feel the christmas spirit. I organized gifts and everything.
The silence and quiet just felt loud and lonely all these years. But today, it felt peaceful. Like I’m not overextending myself. The quiet wasn’t bad for once. I didn’t feel lonely. I felt happy.
Before chaos made me feel safe and now peace makes me feel safe. Chat says it’s because my nervous system is different now. And now chaos actually feels too much, which is true.. hosting just feels way too much. Like I would rather be in my room reading a book. Everything superficial feels too much.
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Mom and I got chicken, went to get gas, and then I came home and made chicken curry by myself, ate, and chilled with mom for a bit.
I used to chill with her all the time in our old house. I would literally never be in my room. Now, even when I was chilling with her, I kind of just wanted to go into my room. It’s like I just love being myself right now and being in my room doing my own thing in peace.
It’s not the attachment to my room or anything. It’s the love I have in my own space doing my own things in peace.
Mom told me this girl I went to daycare with is getting engaged, and tbh I don’t feel anxiety or anything. I know I have something better coming for me.
Anyways, went to my room and finally finished the book I was reading. “the wedding people”. it was a good book.
Intuition - I’ve been feeling this for a bit now, but I really have to stay laser-focused with my internal world right now.
8/10 - Today felt peaceful even with the holidays
Energy:
75% - chilling by myself
25% - chilling with mom
