12/23/25 - About to lose it, the “more” feeling
I feel like I’m having the worst identity crisis right now and am about to lose it.
Every part of my journey as been so hard to the point I feel like I’m going to break each time.
My trauma with guys
My trauma with my mom’s health
My fears
My stillness
It all gets to a point where I absolutely can’t take it anymore. I don’t even know if I’m still confused about stillness or if I’m not just having an identity crisis.
Everything just feels so confusing and hard. I can’t even cry.
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Update I did some steps, the vibration plate, and ended up having a mini crash out. Couldn’t cry a lot, but still had a bunch of tears come out.
How I feel:
I’m okay with not doing anything but I also have a pull that I should be doing something.
For example the pictures I want to post:
I’m okay with not posting them but I keep getting an urge to post them but then the loud music doesn’t feel right but the soft music doesn’t feel like me yet either.
So idk wtf to do but I still have that annoying voice to not forget about the pictures and so I feel so restless.
I’m just so lost and confused.
Earlier today I realized that the loud music isn’t me anymore because I’m not performative on the outside anymore. Like I don’t crack jokes anymore or try to be loud. I’m okay with just going into a room and saying minimal words. That’s how I need to be seen with my posts too, minimal distraction outwardly. But the soft music feels face to me right now too, so I can’t even post that.
The fact that I know I’m ultimately supposed to pick soft music, but don’t see how that’s going to lead me to my purpose and trying to explore why I still don’t feel connected to the soft music is driving me crazy.
Everything is just driving me crazy.
_
Anyways, had a couple of meetings today. The anklets I ordered for work came in but they’re too noisy, so I need to find more dainty ones.
I got my eyebrows done and I think they actually grew. I think the red light I did a couple of weeks ago is actually working now somehow. The hair growth has been feeling faster but I need my facial hair to not grow. Idk if I can target.
Also I think my SF best friend is ordering a gift, so trying to figure out what to get her.
Did a random cold call with someone today too and got a $100 gift card, so that came in handy.
Also watched some netflix.
And my internal crash out is worse than what I’m even explaining it to be. Just on my yoga mat crashing out.
The worst part is I have everything. Like I’m okay with the amount of money I have. My family. I’m okay being single. My job. My house.
I don’t NEED anything. I’m satisifed. But I just know I’m destined for more so the “more” pull eats me away. It’s like ruining my life right now.
Maybe I need to learn how to ignore the “more” feeling. Because I’ll always want more. I’ve always heard the “more” is what ruins people’s now.
Is this the piece of clarity I’ve been missing the whole time? Is this the test? How to stay content and happy and grounded while there being a “more” feeling?
Intuition - Maybe I need to do some inner work, i dont f’in know.
3/10 - Feel confused af
Energy:
30% - work calls
60% - confused
10% - chilling
