12/22/25 - Using audio as an armour
Today was another day of being extremely confused and ungrounded, which I’m starting to realize always happens before a breakthrough.
Anyways, I was supposed to post my pictures on IG today but didn’t. Something about it still felt off. There was a sense of urgency, and I know now that every time something feels urgent, it’s not the answer.
Literally kept asking ChatGpt a million questions to see if I should post it or not.
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Anyways, woke up feeling a bit more active today, like I didn’t want to just rest, I wanted to move my body.
Also, I slept at 10pm yesterday and woke up at 10am, so I’m happy I’m finally getting sleep. Natural melatonin and don’t need the gummies for the time being.
Took today off because I had a bunch of sick days, also nothing was really happening at work anyways. I’m also training myself to move past my work anxiety, so it felt right. Can’t believe there was a time where even on my days off I kept checking slack, and kept feeling like things were going to go down on my days off. Passing responsibilities to the other girl on my team definitely was the best decision I’ve made in a while.
Anyways, showered, fixed my hair with a krimper, ran out of medicine, so went to Walgreens to pick it up. Got hungry, so grabbed some Chipotle for mom and I, ate it, chilled for a bit, did some more chat gpting, booked a workout class, took a quick nap, ate my chia seed pudding while watching New Girl, and then drove to my pilates class.
During the pilates class, I was really happy to just move my body. Also didn’t have any anxiety shutting my phone off. Again, there was a time where I couldn’t even be a minute without my phone because I thought something would happen to my mom.
I do see all the anxiety I’m healing within myself.
After the workout class, I drove to Lululemon to return the leggings I got during black friday and get some new ones, but went like 10 minutes before closing, so didn’t make much progress.
Came home, ate a bit, did some more chatgpting, and now about to do my night routine.
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I’ve literally been going crazy trying to figure out if I should post the pictures or not. Like I love them, and feel an urge to post them. Deep down I know it’s not aligned with the highest version of myself, but at the same time, whatever. Like I realized 2 days ago. That’s part of the process for me to document where I am. It doesn’t have to feel timeliness.
But again, still felt off, so I told myself that I would just post them next monday and give myself time to sit on it to fight the urgency.
Looked at the pictures more, and the audio started annoying me, even though I liked it. Then out of nowhere I looked at the pictures without any audio and they still felt powerful.
Chatgpt said, I used “bangs” and audio as an armour until now. To control the narrative and tell people how they should feel about the post before they even get a chance to look too much into me. My “bangs” still worked because I was so creative with everything. Like the art of everything matching, the pictures, the audio, etc.
But… people can’t feel me with the armour of music. I’m supposed to cut through the noise to create resonance. Ultimately people will look at my pictures and mirror whatever they need to feel. The music shouldn’t overpower the stillness of my pictures, they should let them breathe. Let people see them at their own pace.
Tbh that feels a bit too intense for me right now and idk it also feels a bit too exposed. Which chat says it’s okay.. I’m going to be losing control and part of me doesn’t know people will feel if I don’t tell them what to feel.
It feels too exposed. Like I’m finally allowing people to see through me. I’m at a point where I get it, but it also hasn’t clicked for me internally enough to post the pictures without audio or with slow music. I still feel uncomfortable.
I was also looking at another influencer, and I kind of get it.. When she’s doing too much, it adds too much noise. She’s the most effective in stillness, simple music, simple backgrounds because she’s the power.
I feel like this also means my presence is getting stronger, so everything else just feels like too much noise. Loud audio, big caption, etc.
Before, my presence was weaker, so other things would overcompensate a bit.
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Also side note, but didn’t have anxiety driving in the city. I loved admiring all the Christmas decorations.
Intuition - I’m getting comfortable with stillness, also feel like I’m getting closer to the exact combo for my pictures
8/10 - Today was a slow but movement day, but also still confusing
Energy:
70% - trying to figure out what to do with my IG pictures
50% - movement
