12/18/25 - Anxiety from stillness, Standards versus illusion, moral superiority, creativity with no urgency
I’ve been having a deep down fear of my external life staying the exact same as this year, so I’ve been internally pushing for more urgency/trying to see signs of external proof.
Although this year was completely transformative, I do think I changed at lightening speed, quantum jumped like crazy, but I also thought on Jan 1st this year something external would have came out of it too, and nothing has.
I’m scared I’m just going to have another year of “internal growth”, which again isn’t the worst thing. But I also feel like I want more from life now, I want to see the external things happen. I don’t want to be stuck at the same job, even though I actually love it and nothing I’m doing actually feels stuck/boring/daunting. It’s just the thought behind it, where I’ve been here for 5 years now, I need a different life now externally too.
I’m basically having anxiety of stillness, which I know is the whole lesson right now. I’m supposed to accept stillness. Tbh I’m kind of having a hard time with it though, especially since my whole life has just been in urgency. I know i’m not supposed to do anything right now, but it’s really hard.
Similar to how parents feels when they retire, after a lifetime of not working. They kind of just can’t.
I don’t know how to exist, take space, WITHOUT providing value. This to me is still such a foreign concept.
At work, I stopped overworking myself but I always kept an illusion/performed to make sure people knew I was still working or important.
This feels hard because now I can’t work or perform. I have to be still and have to be okay with that.
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Somewhere in the day, I also started dabbling with the whole concept of my standards in dating.
I’ve been getting an itch to date again. Almost like I want to go on the apps, but I don’t. It feels like it’s from a sense of scarcity of another year of not finding my person. Then I was like what if my person is casually dating right now. A couple of weeks ago, I was convinced that then god has to rearrange someone else for me.
But today I was like, that makes my whole not dating journey about the person, not me. If I really want to date casually, I should. Not in the name of a reward. Right now, I’m almost forcing myself in a cage to make sure only someone with a key can have access to me, by eliminating all competition. It shouldn’t be like that, I should still pick my person even with competition. Just the way I still deserve my person, EVEN if I go on a date soon. That doesn’t take my alignment away. God isn’t going to punish me or make me reset. The true alignment for me is waiting to be chosen or overextending myself. Plus, I intertwine my life with the wrong people and get too attached. That’s the problem. That’s the real reason I don’t want to date. According to chat, my person doesn’t get emotionally attached to anyone. Whereas I do. Of course, I still want someone that has clean energy, so that’s what should matter, not if they were single for 2 years too or not. Plus, me thinking I’m better just because I’ve been single for 1.5 years is wrong. It’s moral superiority, exactly what J had, which is where I guess this lesson is coming from too. To wrap that feeling up.
I also do this a lot too… where even if I’m strictly against something, I start to think more about it and then open my mind up to it. Which makes me question if I even have standards if I compromise on everything. Is this even a standard? But I’m also guilty of being too compromising, which is making me scared. I was so against dating someone who did coke, but N did. And I convinced myself it was okay cause he did it once a year, even though I felt wrong about it. But I compromised. So many other things like that, and I just don’t even want to be in that position again.
Makes me question what my standards are versus an illusion that hasn’t been opened up to a mature way of thinking? What are my hard no’s? I literally thought this was a hard no for me.
For the dating thing - I’m doing it for me. I would rather pour the same energy into my own life. I don’t want or need validation from guys. Neither do I care about their life. I also don’t want to make a date “fun” if it’s not clicking. I think it’s annoying to cut people off. Neither do I want a bunch of guys I went on dates with on my IG lurking. I don’t want to give a piece of me to anyone. I don’t think anyone causal deserves it. It’s like discounting myself. They don’t even deserve to see me on a dating app or even get a “hi” from me. It feels like too much work. To be honest, I’m not interested in casual dating. I’m interested in being with my person when the time is right, and that doesn’t require me to casually date.
But again, it’s not a requirement for me to not date just to get my person. It’s about my energy staying clean. If I think my energy can stay clean, and I see some benefit to causally dating, then sure, I should. But I really don’t.
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Decided to do my steps, and while I was walking, I got really emotional about my times square project. It just feels so right. And then I affirmed, I’m going to be in it because I carry the frequency for it. It’s my story, and I’m the anchor of it. Plus, I want to change the narrative and encourage more directors to also be the face of their work. They’re the missing piece that they don’t even realize yet.
But now I’m also scared someone is going to steal it because there is so much time in between. I can’t do the creative photoshoot until end of march, and it won’t launch until may or june. In that time, anyone can literally steal it. The anxiety is kind of bringing forward a false sense of urgency. I have sooo much time.
Chat had to remind me that the idea came to me, so no one can do it like me. No one has me, even if they copy it.
Ended the night with tea and watching emily in paris. My stomach also hurts and just feel super bloated.
Today was a basic day. Worked for a bit, ate, just existed. Even napped.
7/10 - Feel like I’m having an identity crisis over how to not do anything
Intuition - I need to be okay with stillness. I feel like I still haven’t gotten what I need to hear to have it click for me internally.
Energy:
50% - chilling
50% - thinking
