12/17/25 - Had to tap into the old operating system

I finally get why I’ve been feeling a lack of creativity. It’s because the way I would create before was from an insane amount of adrenaline, pressure, anxiety, hypervigilance, “staying on”. It was like an old operating/nervous system, but now with a new operating/nervous system, my brain doesn’t know how to create yet.

On the bright side, I’ve made insane progress in the last 12 hours than I have in the past month after tapping back into it with coffee, anxiety, and pressure.

But I can’t keep putting myself under insane pressure to “create”. I need to learn how to create from a calm nervous system too, so need to do busy work for the next couple of weeks to balance out this “pressure” act.

-
I also did wake up to very scary realistic dreams, basically tapped into the anxiety from my old nervous system too, which I can’t tell if it’s good or not. Like did I purge leftover feelings or did I regress a bit into my anxiety?

It stil mind blows me that this is how I lived every day for the past 25 years. No wonder I have all these health issues. The body has been slaving away for the longest.
-

An hour after waking up, I did finally get an iconic billboard idea that I’m excited for. It feels like a “yess” this is about to hit. But tbh I also don’t hate some of the “calm” ideas I got yesterday too. Maybe some things just need to be simple. Maybe not everything needs to be iconic.

That’s kind of how I feel about my attar idea. It’s so basic, but it’s also timeless. People will always remember a good scent.

Maybe I can tap into both operating systems based on the outcome I want. To be remembered or to be iconic.

Anyways, worked some more, showered, and did my makeup. Feel like I was running super high on adrenaline because I knew I had to present in the meeting.

In the meeting lmfaooo it was a company 2026 plan discussion, but I was the only one with a deck. Everything my boss was saying such a joke that my coworker and i were texting about it. He’s genuinely so bad at motivating and leading that I find it funny at this point. Does he not realize how much people don’t respect him? Sometimes I think my soul needs to write a letter to his soul because wtf.

Anyways, after the meeting, I immediately crashed. I felt so drained. Decided the rest of the day was going to be my uber eats, edible, book, and movie day. My body needs to rest and readjust.

It truly blows my mind that I used to live in adrenaline. Chat thinks its because my nervous system ran on sympathic overdrive, which means my fight or flight system, and now the baseline is parasympathetic regulation. Wild.

Did some journals, and ate the thai food I ordered from Tuk Tuk with mom.

Watched this new hindi series on netflix called Single dad. It was so cute.

Intuition - I’m learning how to better control my creative energy

8/10 - Started with anxiety, but felt less foggy today and woke up with more clarity

Energy:
50% - anxiety about presenting
50% - readjusting my nervous system and chilling