12/19/25 - visible stillness, giving from overflow or guilt, the universe doesn’t owe me anything
I feel like I got my “click” and clarity that I’ve been waiting for. I was so ungrounded and bothered yesterday because I still couldn’t see myself in stillness. It made no sense to me and felt like something far from me.
But then chat said something about visible stillness yday and it just clicked today. In my head, I imagined it almost disappearing and just being okay with not doing anything. I just felt like that could never be me. I love learning, and even when I’m not hypervigilant, I’m still thinking. Just not doing anything feels like not me, which is why I’ve been having such a problem with the concept of stillness.
I feel like stillness is only scary without presence. If I’m being still with my presence, I feel the power. That’s what I’ve been missing in the vision of me being still. It felt like withholding but stillness with presence is more like “not my problem” I’m not leaking energy. There’s a difference. One is scared, the other one is powerful.
As far as stillness in opportunities. It’s not actually the stillness of doing nothing. It’s cutting out the noise for everything and working on things that feel aligned and forward without feeling a lack of other opportunities.
Now, this feels more aligned. Back to what I said yday. My presence is so sacred that I can’t just be giving it to anything. Including different things at work. And it goes back to “being a lion”. Lions aren’t invisible - it’s visible stillness. They move with such importance, and now this makes sense how why I feel like conserving my energy. Even yday, I was like I MYSELF don’t want to casually date.
My energy is just so sacred that you have to deserve even getting a piece of it. That’s where I’m at now. I will no longer give it for free. And my love has an even higher frequency.
Before, I would be guarded about who I let into my world, and then after them in, they just got unlimited access.
Now, everyone can be let into my world, but everyone gets limited access to me.
The way I look at myself in a meeting is I’m unguarded. Like if I’m there and I’m smiling, not cold or looking mean.
I’m also observing everything and people can see that but I don’t leak anything.
They ask for my input during 1-on-1 calls and that’s when I tell them with a heart to heart. It’s not mean in any way.
In the world- people can tell I’m nice and also move with such presence. They want to know more about me and I tell them just enough to keep them wondering. Naturally because it’s not that im gate keeping information. I’m gatekeeping access to me and they feel it. They feel the access as so intoxicating that they want it. Also because I don’t want anything from them. I don’t expect anything from them.
I still stay true to myself and stay contained. Even my person will never have full access to me. But him and my mom have the most amount.
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I don’t know when I give from overflow or guilt. So did a bit of chatgpting for that. Conclusion was if I feel like by giving them a gift, I’m unlocking another level of access to me then that’s guilt. Guilt is also because I think they’re expecting it and will feel bad if I don’t. It comes from a place of managing their emotions. Also if it comes with some sort of “if I give the gift, they might like me more.” That’s being performative.
Overflow comes with no ties, no access. Just because I want to, with happiness. No expectations and no outcomes from it.
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Is my vision board supposed to serve as my vision of alignment so I work to make the things on my vision board happen?
Or should I trust and let go?
Example: being on a Times Square billboard is part of my vision board. I actively chose it as a project, I think my brain subconsciously thought of a concept where I would be in it too.
So it’s like I’m making my own dream come true instead of sitting and waiting for someone to tell me I’m going to be on a Times Square billboard.
Chatgpt conclusion is my vision board should be a reflection of my frequency or I’m not chasing things to make it happen just because it’s on the board. It’s more like subconsciously obvious to happen.
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Worked today, my aunt came over, read, went grocery shopping with mom, and the mom and I went to the mandir. I love going to the mandir. It’s such a peaceful place. Normally, I feel like it calms me down but today I felt like I matched the calmness before even entering.
While I was praying, I also realized that me hoping next year is going to go better invalidates all the work i put in this year. Same with the whole staying single thing from yday.
God didn’t come down and tell me to heal for 2 years and then I’ll change your life. No one owes me anything. I don’t even have to heal. I CHOSE to heal because I couldn’t repeat the same karmic cycles. I was tired of it. I was tired of having breakup after breakup and having the worst traumatic things happen to me.
I didn’t choose to heal for a guy or a certain dream. I did it for myself. Yday I kept saying i better get a more eventful 2026 almost like the universe owes me for healing. No one owes me anything. I had to just break the bubble.
What if I actually had another same year? then what? I’m just going to cry and stay resentful, and it won’t be anyone’s fault but my own, because I’m the one that brought this on myself.
I chose to heal. I chose to stay single. I chose to break ancestral patterns. I chose to make my dreams come true.
Everything is a consequence of my own actions. No one owes me anything.
All this did was raise my frequency and standards. I myself again choose based on the work I put in. No one is guaranteeing anything.
I feel like I’m eliminating any sort of resentment I would have about anything by just facing it.
I also need to stop thinking the universe owes me anything.
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Went to trader joes afterwards and got a couple of things. For flowers, I got white roses and the cranberry-looking thing feels interesting.
Also at some point in the day, I was revisiting my palm springs pictures and felt in love with another direction. So might edit them this weekend.
Ate and then watched some netflix.
Intuition - I’m removing any sort of bitterness in my energy and just being present with life.
8/10 - Felt a lot of clarity today
Energy:
50% - clarity
50% - praying
