12/10/25 - Learning how to float, answers in my words
I took a melatonin gummy last night, so I wasn’t awake until 4am or anything. Neither did I have vivid dreams like I always do, but I have been very restless.
Almost like I’m trying to float but I keep being scared I’m going to drown or every wave is freaking me out. Because I’m not actively paddling, but I’m still not completely at peace with just floating. Learning how to float is harder than I thought it would be. It’s like actual floating, where you just have to let go and trust. If you move more than needed you lose your balance in the water.
That’s how I feel right now with the restlessness, it’s like I keep losing my focus/balance cause I’m scared I’m going to hit something. Even though I’m really trying to just float.
Also back to thoughts from last night, where I almost just want the bad thing to happen so at least I can stop worrying about it. Almost like, I rather just drown than be worried about hitting something and drowning every minute of my life. The worrying state, with no control, is just so much mental effort. And I clearly don’t have the energy to paddle anymore either. Neither do I want to worry. Neither am I at shore. So now what? I don’t want to drown… but I’m tired. I still see a clear vision of the shore. I still want the shore. I still know the shore is mine. But the fear of drowning is just so annoying. Too much mental stress.
Chat thinks I have fatigue and that’s what going to force me into “stillness”. I need this moment of nothing happening.
Even yesterday, I was just so overstimulated while driving. It’s cause I’m losing my hypervigilance, and driving requires you to be hypervigilant, so the disconnect was overwhelming me. All I wanted to do was sit in the back and be driven. I didn’t mind being out, I just couldn’t do the whole be aware thing.
I get my everything in my life happened the way it did and I realized this yday. I started seeing videos of people not wanting fame, materialism, etc. The universe knew that if I got famous before finding “depth”, which I only did like a month ago. I would drop it all in a minute. I’m too self-aware, and the materialism would not sufice me. But I couldn’t have found depth, without all my trauma. And I couldn’t have anchored without it all.
As impatient of a person I am, everything has been happening so perfectly. If I got one thing before the other, it would all fall apart.
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Had a bunch of calls today with my team, and I was pretty grounded in them. I can tell they left the call feeling confident and good about what they’re doing too.
And then my mom asked me for help in making a decision, and I told her it was her responsibility.
I’m at a point where the world coming out of my mouth are like answers to my own questions that I ask god. My mom asking me the decison, the fact that she was asking means she’s unsure. Asking is the answer. Something that took me soo long to realize. I used to ask god for signs but the universe always wanted me to feel confident in my own decisions.
Even the way I’m training my team. I’m giving them no direction or clarity, so they can find their own voice. Exactly what the universe is doing to me. Which is why I feel so confused. I keep asking god for clarity, like some external validation, but I just need to dig deeper in my own voice.
Also went to trader joes today because I need exposure therapy again after yday being too much, and I was less overstimulated. I was just in my own world. Got a couple of things to make sandwiches, and then came home and ate a turkey sandwich.
Worked for a bit, and then decided to watch “the holiday”. Ate a piece of chocolate too. After the movie, I did my steps.
While walking, I started exploring “niceness” but going to get into that tomorrow, and make it a tomorrow problem. The topic is still marinating.
Ate dinner, and now about to read.
Intuition - I still have the need to “control”, but maybe leaning into softness will help me surrender more. Perhaps focusing more on gratitude.
8/10 - I felt like I did a lot today.
Energy:
34% - maximizing my day
33% - feeling soft
33% - getting soft errands done
