12/9/25 - Stillness, gratitude, impact
I couldn’t sleep last night and was just tossing and turning.
I woke up feeling so lost. I have so much I’m supposed to do, but I just can’t do it right now because the version of me that’s supposed to get it done hasn’t developed yet. I can’t tell if I’m just supposed to not do anything and just sit in stillness or if I’m not pushing myself hard enough. I’m leaning more on the stillness part, especially because it feels like this part of my life is just to surrender and trust the universe.
But what Chat said is true… literally, I change every week/day. Even when I wrote my PR draft, I was in a whole different mindset than what I feel like I want the article to come across. Lmao also explains why I can’t work with anyone. I change my mind so much until it absolutely feels right.
It makes sense why I’m not creative right now because this next phase comes from truth. My truth is still stabilizing.
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Side note - I woke up with my face/lips insanely dry out of nowhere. I also woke up with my this one comment that I made on a tiktok video popping off. I said it so casually, but people found it as a truth. Kind of felt like another layer of validation that my words are finally landing.
It was like a sign, but I instantly was like I need to stay humble.
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As soon as I logged into work, I saw a message from the girl I’m training to be a manager and she was so mean/direct. Very scary. I almost wanted to chat with her instantly, but then had to remind myself that the urgency is not there. I need to give her room to learn herself and can bring it up in a sync.
I’m seeing this new softness emerge out of me that I’ve never seen before. The layer beneath the layer of performance is removed. It’s like I see everything people are saying and doing. And this time I have no interest in guiding them. It’s just observations. And then sometimes, in conversation, the truth slips out casually, almost like it’s a secret. But it lands.
Before, I was literally begging to share truth.
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Tyla performed in India yday and her videos are going viral. I couldn’t help but just observe her and just be so mesmerized. She comes off so soft and humble, but she’s so powerful at the same time. Like when she talks/performs/sings, it lands. There is strength behind it. She’s embodied. You can’t mess with her but at the same time, she’s so magnetizing. Was literally so obsessed with her mumbai videos.
People don’t realize how strong embodiment is. It’s insane.
On the other note, I’m also more inspired by Shahrukh’s presence and ability to make people feel seen. I almost never really saw it as a presence before. He was just shahrukh khan. Now, I can name the feeling.
I’m in the phase where I’m just observing people right now. Especially people that move rooms and have aura. Studying them.
Overall, today has also kind of just been shocking. I see the little movements of progress. I feel calm and steady.
I kept repeating “just floating” to myself throughout the day.
Also attempted to write my article piece again. I want it to be a channel. Not just words. I want them to land. I want them to come from a place of truth, groundedness, hope, softness, inspiration, feel easy and poetic to read.
I wrote the base and then chat strengthened it, but idk how I feel about it. It feels unethical, but it also feels like it just structures my words. Everything still comes from me. Idk if I’m just supposed to have it land on my own.
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Anyways, after lunch chilled for a bit. Then had to take my mom to lincoln park. Idk what happen but I was so overstimulated, like I was so nervous driving and was almost so miserable. She got a call from someone to come nanny, and she’s been excited about it, so I’m like maybe this is good for her. It’s like I could see the spark in her again. I was supposed to drop her off and go do some exchanges at lululemon, but I got there and couldn’t find parking, so got overwelhmed. Tried calming down, and then went back to pick up my mom. We saw some decorations around wrigley and then went to go see that one house with christmas trees in every window. The actual house was pretty small compared to tiktoks. Also, it was cold outside and raining.
By the time we left, I was desperate to go home. I was feeling so drained and still overwhelmed. Tbh I was kind of confused and why I have anxiety driving in the city out of nowhere. Literally, I’ve lived here my whole life.
Came home and ate yogurt, and finished the rest of Runaway Bride. It was a cute movie.
A couple of things from today: It’s hard to keep sight in stillness. But more than anything, I truly respect and am so proud of myself. Like I look up to myself. Whether my life changes or not, I’m happy with who I am.
I also might need to start journaling multiple times a day because by the end of the day, I feel like I process so much that I don’t even remember if all the content is from today or yesterday.
I’m still fighting fear; part of me wants to self-sabotage. But too tired to get into this right now, might need to explore this tomorrow.
Took a melatonin gummy, because I really need to go to sleep tonight.
7/10 - I’m in a place where I’m confused, inspired, and hopeful at the same time. Depends on the time and day of the emotion. Sometimes, I think literally nothing is coming true, and other times, I see it all aligning.
Intuition - I know it’s aligning, but I can’t help but also feel like nothing is happening.
Energy:
33% - confused
33% - trying to just observe things
34% - overwhelmed from driving
