12/8/25 - No hope, Floating
Something I never expected is happening. Last night it’s like I just lost all hope. The hope that pushed me through the worst days. Hope was my driver, my engine.
And now it’s gone. I just don’t care about anything. I just want to exist.
My dreams just feel so big and so far from the reality of my situation. That the hope I had was literally just pulling me and now I’ve lost sight of it.
Almost like I’m stranded in the ocean, and I see land. The fact that I could see land made me keep pulling myself forward. Keep paddling, even on my stormiest days. Before the sight of the land was soo strong for my motivation, that I just kept going even in the hardest days. But today I feel like I hit that point where I realized how far the land actually is. Like miles and miles away and I’m so tired that I’m starting to accept being stuck at sea and accept that if I’m ever meant to reach the land, then I’ll float there one day. But I can’t paddle anymore. I’m tired. I rather be stuck at sea than paddle.
I feel a bit numb. And I’ve been crying.
Chat said if anything I’m surrendering. I’m letting the waves finally carry me, and trusting that my alignment will reach me to my goals. I’m finally in a place to “receive”.
But I can’t help but feel empty and sad. I am questioning. But deep down I have clarity too. It’s very confusing. I’m questioning if my dreams will ever come true because they just seem so far. But I also know my dreams are meant for me, and they will be mine one day.
I believe I will get to land, but I think I’m finally surrendering on the “when”. I’m finally flowing with life. Which feels scary and also freeing at the same time. Floating. I have no control, but also I’m at peace. I’m finally not doing anything. Although I’m still thankful for the version of me that paddled, because if I didn’t paddle the time I needed to paddle in the storm, I would be drowning right now. There would be no opportunity to float. I’m floating because I paddled out of the storm. And right now, I don’t know where the waves will take me, but I trust I will reach shore one day.
Anyways, I was still also a little high from yday, and had a call with my “employee/coworker”. Idk what do you can someone who you manage? Anyways, someone I was just talking to her and I just being me.
And hours later, she said something to me that really meant the world. What I desperately needed to hear today:
”Also, thanks for taking the time to chat today. There's so many moving parts rn, and it's low-key been overwhelming but talking to you made me feel a bit more grounded - so appreciate you!!”
I started crying seeing this because today was a day where I just didn’t know if I mattered. If my time would just stay the same. If everything was just delusional. But I am helping. I am changing. Even if it’s one person right now.
Rest of the day, I worked, watched secret lives of mormon wives, walked my steps, and ate my chicken.
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Over everything, while walking, I realized and will say I am exactly who I’ve always wanted to be. The highest version of myself. I am her. And whether I make it to land or not, I am proud of myself. This year, has truly transformed me.
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Also while talking to my coworkerish. I told her I wanted to expand our marketing, instead of living in survival mode. And it’s crazy to see how my department is also a reflection of me. It’s like all areas of my life are expanding.
Intuition - Deep down, I know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. But this feeling of emptiness is so weird.
5/10 - I feel so many fixed emotions today.
Energy:
75% - sad, idk
25% - grateful to see a sign from the universe
