12/11/25 - Breathing through the wave
Late last night, I was like, maybe the direction I sleep really does have to do with my sleep quality, so at 1am, I literally slept on the wrong side of my bed with my pillows in the other direction, head in the south. And I swear I instantly felt better and ended up having the type of sleep I have when I take my melatonin gummies.
I feel like I finally know what to do when I feel fear. To breathe. Literally like floating, the more I move and panic, the more I lose my balance. The only way to get over the “waves” is to move with them and breathe. So I just have to breathe through the far and visualize the wave passing. No matter how big the wave is, you can’t fight it. You have to feel it and move with it. And then eventually the wave gets smaller and smaller, the closer you get to shore.
Anyways, moral of the story is every time I’m scared, I need to breathe and visualize.
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On the other note, I’m literally procrastinating and idk for what. At this point, I’ve spent weeks doing nothing that’s creative. I made a vanilla bean gingerbread latte from all the stuff I got from trader joes yesterday. I will say it is very heavy and then I’ve been stuck to my chair for like 2 hours now.
I have so much I need to do. Answer emails, my creative brainstorms, plan things, fix contracts, and I literally just can’t. I can’t get in the zone.
Part of me is scared if the Dry Bar partnership actually works. Like why? I keep telling myself if my body is resisting, there has to be a reason.
For the article, I kind of do know. Which is, I don’t know what my truth for love is. I know my truth, but idk if I trust it to be the actual life truth that will land because people find other people in all stages of life. And they go back to ex’s. It’s not like me, where I have to be the highest version to unite with my ex. Some find soulmates literally in school or when they’re kids. Some people grow together. I’m scared to now make it an actual article and which is probably why i don’t want to go on the podcast because I’m not confident in it. Also millions of people find their person on a dating app. I just know I’m not supposed to. Or are dating apps actually a wrong place? But then again, I’ve actually seen soulmates find eachother. I need it to be a truth that no one can question. And I’m not sure I’m in that place, which is why I’m dragging on it. Something feels missing.
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On the other note, my “alignment over performance” comment is really popping off. I really thought people needed more explanation to understand this, but I guess everyone just got it.
That also makes me realize that my truths are stabilizing to some level. That’s why I’m getting validation for them. For me to believe in the power of my own truths, but my art hasn’t yet. Like I know I’m supposed to turn my truths into art, but I have no clue what art and how yet.
Even on social media, I actually see people saying some of the truths all the time, but it’s usually in one area of their expertise. Like career or love or something, and it’s in the form of a talking video which almost sounds like a theory. When people watch the videos they don’t know if they should believe in them or not.
For me, I have the embodiment of so many areas of life cause I’ve literally been through it all. You name it. It’s not just love issues or career. Literally, I can probably relate to any problem anyone has ever had at this point.
Also with my art and embodiment. I want to SHOW people the truth, so they see it as a secret. Like the proof is in front of them, so there is no room for question.
I’ve been noticing the gap. And why there is an actual need for my purpose.
I don’t think I’m supposed to have the art part unlocked yet, though, because the moment I have that unlocked then that’s it. I have my whole purpose ready to go, and no one can stop me. I’m pretty sure I’m still supposed to sablitize right now. This way, when the volatility hits, I stay sturdy.
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I made cleaned out my emails, and then made a trader joes sandwich for my mom and I for an early dinner. It was good but soooo heavy. Like I swear I confused a whole day’s worth of calories in just that sandwich.
Went to go shower, and drove to yoga. Didn’t have anxiety driving, but I was spacing out a lot. Even at yoga, I was spacing out. I was experimenting and wobbly but this one yoga instructor that I think is condescending always comes to fix me or calls on me. Like bro. Let me breathe.
NOW after yoga, she was like “i can’t say you’re getting better, but different” lmaooo at that pissed me off. Because she’s a trauma therapist but she has negative, bitter energy, like she’s upset with life. And that’s interesting to me because she hasn’t processed all her emotions, while she’s helping other people? Interesting.
Came home, did my red light therapy. Now journaling, then will read and hoping to be sleeping by 12am. I’m desperately trying to fix my sleep schedule.
Intuition - I’m stabilizing my truths
6/10 - Processing but begging for a productive, creative day. It’s really at a blockage right now.
Energy:
50% - trying to work
25% - processing
25% -yoga/sandwich time with mom
