12/12/25 - Fear of receiving & life meets you at your audacity

I couldn’t sleep last night, just felt so anxious and was stuck overthinking. I kept thinking about all my emails. It’s like I wanted to send them out but just couldn’t. So to ease the anxiety, I made drafts last night.

Eventually ending up sleeping at 4am. Woke up feeling very ungrounded as well, but also realized why I was so scared to send things out.

Somehow, I have a fear of receiving. Never thought I’d say this. But deep down, I know things are going to start happening very easily for me and it’s going to create a huge wave of mometum. At that point, is when the survival me will be completely gone, and idk if part of me is scared to let her go. The one that fought for everything. It’s like survival me is fighting for her life right now to stay a part of my life. The more I’m floating, the more she’s leaving.

Set an intention this morning. It’s okay to feel scared and she’ll always be a part of me. She’s my origin story. My embodiment. I can never forget her. I set the intention to welcome this new chapter of my life.

Today feels like a new point. Where I officially let things happen easily for me.

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Also, I had a dream about J coming back and I was so cold. I can literally feel my body match with my standards now, which again is so newfound for me. Lmao my body is catching up to my self-respect game too.
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Update - I’ve been on a roll with sending my emails out. Finally sent my Drybar one out too. Only took 2 weeks. Somehow, the fear is gone after I realized I had a fear of receiving, which I’ve noticed as a common ground.

The minute I’m self-aware about the problem is the minute the problem is no longer there. It’s like self-awareness is the end to it.
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I’ve also been noticing people asking and just getting things without over-begging or even sometimes just be handed things. And the fact that I’m noticing this, makes me feel like the universe is rewiring my brain to show me it’s actually normal. People really do just get handed things.

Sometimes, I’m the one handing things, and I do it with clean energy. Receiving doesn’t always come with bad energy.

It’s training my brain to see receiving is safe. A big part of why I also had a fear of receiving was also because in the past it was negative energy, so now it’s really important for me to see live examples of clean energy.