12/12/25 - Fear of receiving & life meets you at your audacity
I couldn’t sleep last night, just felt so anxious and was stuck overthinking. I kept thinking about all my emails. It’s like I wanted to send them out but just couldn’t. So to ease the anxiety, I made drafts last night.
Eventually ending up sleeping at 4am. Woke up feeling very ungrounded as well, but also realized why I was so scared to send things out.
Somehow, I have a fear of receiving. Never thought I’d say this. But deep down, I know things are going to start happening very easily for me and it’s going to create a huge wave of mometum. At that point, is when the survival me will be completely gone, and idk if part of me is scared to let her go. The one that fought for everything. It’s like survival me is fighting for her life right now to stay a part of my life. The more I’m floating, the more she’s leaving.
Set an intention this morning. It’s okay to feel scared and she’ll always be a part of me. She’s my origin story. My embodiment. I can never forget her. I set the intention to welcome this new chapter of my life.
Today feels like a new point. Where I officially let things happen easily for me.
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Also, I had a dream about J coming back and I was so cold. I can literally feel my body match with my standards now, which again is so newfound for me. Lmao my body is catching up to my self-respect game too.
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Update - I’ve been on a roll with sending my emails out. Finally sent my Drybar one out too. Only took 2 weeks. Somehow, the fear is gone after I realized I had a fear of receiving, which I’ve noticed as a common ground.
The minute I’m self-aware about the problem is the minute the problem is no longer there. It’s like self-awareness is the end to it.
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I’ve also been noticing people asking and just getting things without over-begging or even sometimes just be handed things. And the fact that I’m noticing this, makes me feel like the universe is rewiring my brain to show me it’s actually normal. People really do just get handed things.
Sometimes, I’m the one handing things, and I do it with clean energy. Receiving doesn’t always come with bad energy.
It’s training my brain to see receiving is safe. A big part of why I also had a fear of receiving was also because in the past it was negative energy, so now it’s really important for me to see live examples of clean energy.
Anyways, took a shower, washed my hair, did light makeup, and blowdried my hair. Then my friend came to pick me up really quickly because she needed to get some clothes tailored for her wedding and she needed my help. Got there and helped her put stuff on.
I was right on the dot, so quickly came home and grabbed my backpack and then went to go babysit. As soon as got there we started decorating cookies, which I wanted to do, so it was cute. Then we played a bunch of games, and eventually watched Elf. The younger one stayed up with me and watched the whole movie. I feel like this was my first time actually watching all of it or idk I just don’t remember, and I was dying. It was so funny.
After the girls went to sleep, I usually tidy things up. Normally, I wash all the dishes but this time literally they had way too much shit. Like all their lunch boxes and stuff. I used to wash all of it before just in the hopes they would see my worth and call me again. I would always overextend myself. This time, I just knew washing everything would be doing too much, so tbh I did what I could and left their lunch boxes. Mentally, I was like idc if they don’t call me ever again after tomorrow, I’m done with my babysitting life anyways. Overall though, I wasn’t miserable and it was actually fun. After washing some of the dishes, I was reading my book with of the dogs sitting on my lap. It was so cute.
They came home at 11:45pm and that’s when I left. Before leaving, I was super anxious because I kept wondering if they were going to pay me extra or just the right amount, especially after that time I sent the money back. Got home, and they paid me the exact amount. I literally could have made $40 more if I didn’t send the money back last time. Moral of the story, life meets you at your audacity and gives you as much you think you deserve. I’m still mad at myself for sending the money back last time, especially after they said I could keep it. Like wtf who does that.
I was also so happy to be in bed at night. Remembered my dark days of coming up late.
Intuition - I have this idgaf energy now where i’m not desperate for anything, and I love it.
8/10 - I’m so proud of myself for not “proving” myself and overextending myself to wash all the dishes. Old me could have never.
Energy:
20% - working
20% - getting ready
20% - helping friend
20% - babysitting
20% - anxiety about not overextending myself
