12/4/25 - My mom can not be my emotional oxygen, lessons speeding up, “I should have…”
Last night, I realized I thought I was over “teaching” my mom, but I clearly wasn’t. When I got into a fight with her and yelled at her it means something. First, I was doing okay but then her emotions quickly deregulated mine. I think of her as an extension of me, not her own person. And I’m desperate for her to learn her lessons, make the right choices, and come up with me because I feel like as long as she’s in stress and not happy, I can’t be happy.
I just can’t do that anymore. I’m so hypervigilent about her. Who she talks to, what she says, where she’s going. I treat her like an overprotected mom treats their daughter. And I know it’s wrong. I literally can’t control it. But yesterday while talking to her, I realized it’s a trauma response from almost being blindsighted and losing her when she was sick. Somewhere deep down, I blamed myself for not being more aware of everything happening to her. So now I try to control everything to try to never be in the position again of feeling like I’m going to lose her or at least being blindsighted by it. I’m so hypervigilent to the point where I’m watching her if she’s walking on ice, so I can “save” her if she falls, or if I see her using a sharp knife, I try cutting for her because she has cut herself before. I would say she’s a bit careless, so I use my predicting skills to avoid disaster instead of for good.
But the anger yesterday was a cry for help. I’m tired. I’m burnt out. I can’t drag her to overflow or depend my emotions on her anymore or carry her on my back.
Same with work - It worked before me right? It’ll work after me. I can’t keep thinking life will fall apart without me. Literally if someone loses a body part, the rest of the body figures itself out. If the body can still operate without a body part, who am I to think the world needs me to be hypervigilent.
I was always so proud of the fact that I didn’t grow up with a strict mom. She trusted me, and gave me unconditional love and space to grow. But I’m the strict mom now.
I literally feel like I’m having my detachment from society moment. Where I just don’t give a shit about anything anymore in a good way. I am soo done just controlling and worrying about everything.
I have to understand she’ll come up on her own when she see’s me. She started walking everyday, not because I’m forcing her but because she see’s how seriously I’m taking my diet and health. She saw how I lived in the same household and still evolved in my fitness results. She also started meditating.
I have to let everyone in my life come to me for help, and I have to help them from a detached place. I literally can not drain myself out and put my energy in carrying people I love to the finish line. That’s literally what it feels like.
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Also last night, before I went on a my detachment journey from my mom. Told her I was doing this and put her on the vibration plate at literally 2am cause clearly she needs to process emotions too. Also she asked for her. I just need to get to an observing state with her.
And then read my book before going to bed.
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Woke up still with a bit of a heavy head. The intensity and speed of my lessons have insanely deepened. Like at this point I’m going through 5 deep intense lessons in a day. It’s like the universe is in a rush, which I see as a good side means I’m super close to whatever it wants to give me. Also that means I can handle and process lessons faster.
But also it’s been a lot, so now I’m anchoring and finding pockets of peace to stay grounded. I’m spending today doing whatever I feel like doing, even if it doesn’t make sense.
I did know my life was going to get faster. Even externally, I know things will happen so fast. The faster my life is, the slower I need to be. Very interesting life contradiction.
Anyway, decided to read after journaling. Going back to simple things. Reading and writing to find peace. Ended up reading for two hours, and then went to go shower but started feeling something else.
I’ve always had a vision of an aesthetic shower. Matching bottles, ecualytis, and light. That vision is what gave me the strength to sign the lease for this place, which at that time was a risk. I’ve ordered the bottles for a year now, and had the light and everything but haven’t made the vision come true. If I move out of the place without it happening, it would haunt me.
The fact that I still feel like this flood situation is unfinished business, and now I’m getting the urge to make this vision come true and the feeling that i’m going to move. I wondered what me putting up the bottles meant.
The story I made up - Me putting up the bottles would mean that the place served its job and I have closure. And the fact that I have renters insurance now, it just all feels connected. Like the flood incident set me up so something bigger wouldn’t feel tragic. Almost like my house would be on fire or a bigger flood would happen but this time I’m set with the insurance, detachment, and expectation. And I’ve peacefully closed the chapter. Almost like a “bang” to my overflow era getting rid of all my survival things to start a fresh new life.
But i took it to chat gpt to help me interpret and it thinks I’m thinking from survival, that something bad is always preparing me for something worse. The flood situation feels unfinished because I abandoned myself. And the bottles thing feels like reclaiming myself and my space. It’s about taking the blame off myself of I should have fought my owner that’s been a hidden piece of guilt. “I should have done this…” but the “i should have..” is abandoning the me that “did”. It’s almost telling myself that I sucked and an older me would have been better with the situation. It’s abandoning myself. The bottle would reclaim and tell myself that it had to happen and I reclaim my peace and vision back. Crazy insights… idk how I still feel about it fully. Like the crazy theory is still there. This “reclaiming” thing feels a bit too deep. But very different perspective. I’m sure the “click” will happen later.
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On the other note, today I saw this college brown girl that went viral because she opened up for a chanel walk in a NYC subway station. It was a video of her parents reacting and her mom was so proud.
I’m like wildly activated by her and seeing her mom so proud on reacting to her. Also the fact that it was a full circle to her story of being discovered at the subway station. It was meant for her. She just graduated college and wasn’t a model or anything, but she had the hard skills and the creative director randomly discovered her at the subway. The guy just thought of doing a whole channel show inspired by her and she happen to be ready with the hard skills without ever being a model. Literally, it all feels like wild alignment and flow. Everything the director created was such a work of art too, it was a whole story.
Right time, right person. I feel the emotions behind it all, like it’s real. Like I feel with bollywood now. It feels like the next phase of my life.
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Also, I can’t get mad at my mom for not understanding things. I myself use chat gpt to help me interpret things. Like my “intuition” from today. I thought my house was going to get on fire, but lol apparently it means I need to reclaim myself? I had no clue what they meant before using chat to interpret.
I literally have to stop calling her names when I’m mad. I am not a big fan of it and it goes against all my morals.
I got pissed at her 2 days ago when she was thinking something from a survival mindset and I literally did that too. When that’s all you know, that’s how you think. You need someone else to open up a new channel of perspective.
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Anyways also while showering, i was randomly like what’s the one variable that causes “rush” and that’s time. I finally get why people say time doesn’t exist in the concept of the universe. But too exhausted to explore this right now.
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After showering, drank my lemon and ginger tea and ate my pumpkin chia seed pudding. And then got dressed to go on a walk outside. Wore so many layers. I just felt like I needed some fresh air.
It was sooo cold that I only ended up walking to my old elementary school. While walking back, there’s this one moment that forever haunts me. It was so cold this one day in 6th grade and my dad was a chaperone for the first time to go to Greek Town with us. On the paper it said all parents need to wait outside, so I told him he needed to wait outside even though it was cold while all the other parents came inside the school lobby, but from what I remember my dad was waiting outside in the cold. And I was literally looking at him from the window. That haunted me. That I made my dad wait outside. Even though he wasn’t even mad and we still went on the field trip. It was his first field trip with me, right before he left.
So while walking by the same gate today, I thought I should recreate me telling my dad to come inside this time instead of having him wait outside. But it didn’t feel right. Then I just stood there and was like let me cry again. If my kid told me to wait outside and it was cold, I would still go inside. That’s what my mom would do. She wouldn’t give a shit. But all these years I blamed myself for that moment. But it wasn’t mine to carry. My dad should have just asked someone and dropped his ego guard. I was only 12 years old, of course I was going to tell him what it said in the paper. Plus I was type A.
1. Parents are figuring it out too in real time. It was his first time, so he didn’t know what to do too. I put the whole blame on myself subconsciously because of course, my dad couldn’t have been wrong. I told him to stay outside. But he should have used his brain to go inside still.
2. All these years, I blamed myself because “i should have”…. and it haunted me. Because again I abandoned myself with the “I should have”.
Today I tried reclaiming myself from that incident. But I still feel like I need to cry it out.
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Earlier today I randomly thought of an incident again where I went to lunch with my ex’s older brother and his wife and I was so chill. I wasn’t trying to prove again. But they then thought I wasn’t worthy of his brother. And for years, I beat myself up over the “I should have showed them who I really was”. I should have proved myself. I cried over this “mistake” for 7 months. But even now, I’m like no.. lmao I’m not proving anything to anyone. How bold of them to assume. So the me at that time was right.
Just like the 12-year-old me who followed instructions. I would tell my dad the same thing right now. And even now, it’s up to his discretion to at least ask someone. I was right then too.
Back to my mom - I have to let her figure things out on her own too. She’s living for the first time too. She’s learning new things too, and in front of new situations and experiences too.
If my dad came with me again, he would have learned from that expierence and would have gone inside. Simple.
Now that I think about it every moment that haunts me stems from the “I should have” moments. The moments that I abandoned myself. The me that was there dealing with the actual situation.
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Anyways came home, ate the thai curry that my mom made, journaled, and then dropped her off at the salon and went to go get gas, walmart to get a couple of things, and then 2 place to get air in my tires since the first two gas stations did haven’t their pumps working. The second one brought it down to 18, so tbh I was scared for a hot minute thinking something was going to happen to my tire.
But made it and then picked my mom up. I was supposed to go to yoga, but I was sooo drained from all the healing and just everything. All I wanted to do was lay in bed.
Came home, ate another bite, and didn’t even have the energy to workout. I went in my room, put my PJs on, watched a chrismas movie and made hot chocolate, and took melatonin gummies.
Intuition - I’m freeing myself from all my haunted moments
5/10 - I still feel tired and drained
Energy:
50% - healing work
50% - trying to find pockets of peace
