12/3/25 - Trying to find clarity & feeling so overwhelmed, too much noise
I woke up feeling so confused. On one hand, I’m supposed to believe I’m different and use that build confidence, on the other, I’m supposed to believe I’m normal. Not that I think I’m supernatural or anything as weird as this sounds. Like I know I’m normal, and I know there are tons of people who act from embodiment but I’m just insanely confused. Like how am I different and how am I similar? What really is my purpose? Do I come with actual gifts? I’ve had weird stuff happening to me in my life lately that make sense and don’t make sense at the same time.
I realized yesterday that my best friend has energy-detecting skills and there are tons of people that also have emotional intelligence. So I just don’t get how am I different? How am I special? I don’t even view it as “powers” or “skills” so what is it even called?
Chat said there were people in my life that each showed me a part of my “powers” too. Like my ex being able to read, my best friend being able to read energy, other people being able to take life and turn it into art.
No one had the whole skill set.
And so what? I’m still overwhelmed and confused. My head hurts. Feels like it’s about to explode.
And then woke up with tons of slack messages, which overwhelmed me even more. I tried to compartmentalize, shower, pray, and eat but just felt like there was just so much noise everywhere. I didn’t feel grounded at all. Even if I wanted to work on my creative projects, I just couldn’t. Very overstimulated, and nothing feels like it’s working. Almost feel like one of those moments where I just have to stop talking to everyone and be by myself. I need to remove all distractions, remove all the noise. The book I’m reading and the show I’m watching isn’t helping either. It’s all adding more noise into my life, and my frequency just feels super low.
And then my boss messaged me and I was about to explode on him. All he asked me was if something was updated. But I was projecting, I thought he was asking me “what I’m working on”. Instead, I calmed down and just said yes.
Feel like every time I’m not “overworking”, I thought he could sense I’m slacking and would then overwork. This time, I tried not to project and just answered his yes or no questions. I need to stop thinking I’m being punished or micromanaging if I’m not being performative.
I’m allowed to work in stillness and at my own pace, without being performative. I need to chill out. I could be unnecessarily tripping about this.
Even while he’s putting pressure, I’m going to continue to ground and chill and not look too much into it.
Also, I feel like my lessons are just coming back to back to back now. It’s getting a lot.
-
Ate, watched mormon wives to try to calm down, ate again. And literally my boss didn’t ask me anything else the world day. I pretty sure the universe was trying to show me the whole overworking was all in my head and it’s time for me to live in present.
People do not think I’m slacking. People do not think I’m dumb.
-
Frustrated also thought what all of this meant from a grounded state and this is the conclusion I’ve come up with:
The way I bring clarity to all this is:
I was meant to create art with truths to make people feel seen and to activate them. It’s just a different medium of art.
The same way people make videos, and others write books about what they’ve learned.
I’m sharing through art and bringing clarity to the world. In a different way apart from just normal “pray to god”.
That’s why my life has been shaped like this. I can translate experiences to feelings to truth to words to art.
And my art is supposed to be well-versed which is why I’ve gone through all the traumatic things in life. To basically hold universal art. Not just art about love, etc.
And my art is supposed to be healing and clear, which is why I’m not supposed to have a meltdown while creating. It’s not supposed to be confusing. That’s why I’m learning all my lessons before.
Nothing super natural or crazy. Just the universe giving me enough intelligence to create art from expression. And it’s not power or skills. It’s “intelligence”. My intelligence also just helps me see truths, and vision/intuition helps me create act that lands.
-
All my black friday orders came in. Felt like Christmas lol opening up my perfumes, etc. Gifts to myself.
My lululemon order came too, went outside to try to get fresh air, made peppermint coffee as a bevy, and then tried them on, but they were way too small so now need to go exchange everything.
My best friend has been texting me too and I literally haven’t had the energy to answer her with enthusiasm. I’m very grounded, which I do like.
Took tomorrow off and felt instantly better. Idk if I was carrying over the sunday scaries I was feeling and just needed more time to be by myself, especially since I’m going through so much mentally.
Listening to music and journaling - trying to enter “play state” and it’s working. Idk why I had such work anxiety. Nothing serious is even happening, neither is anyone pressing for answers. But I did go through a whole emotional shift and so I get why I need space to detach from my old role as the glue.
-
Things I need to work on. Literally not giving a shit, and staying true to my power. I am not fighting to prove myself. I am so done with that and performative energy. I genuinely feel like I just need to chill out.
Side note - I love Emily Ratajkowski. Her modeling is just so non-performative but I feel like it’s just the same.
-
Went to go walk on my walking pad and then did the vibration plate for 10 minutes. The new social media guy messaged while I was getting my steps in, and I didn’t feel anxiety at all. Answered so grounded. I also felt even more grounded and relaxed after all this. Idk if it was slack anxiety? lmao like what even.
Ended up doing some more work after. Made salmon for dinner and then had a whole fight with my mom cause she’s been trying to do things from survival. At first I was yelling at her, but then started talking to her calmly telling her she’s making decisions from her 2010 survival self not 2030 abundant self.
Intuition - You get hard skills with alignment too.
6/10 - Very anxious, heavy, and daunting day, but we’re ending it on a good note.
Energy:
50% - trying to get rid of the feeling of being overwhelmed
25% - trying to find clarity
25% - trying to calm down
