12/5/25 - Body shut down & choosing rest as alignment, embodiment

Today. I just rested. Literally refused to do anything because my body actually shut down, and I felt like I was finally feeling years of exhaustion.

Woke up and my body just felt so heavy, my head felt so foggy, I just felt so dead. Literally stuck to my bed, almost realized how actual depression might feel, even though I wasn’t depressed, just exhausted.

I really didn’t know how hypervigilant and how “on” I was until this moment. I didn’t want to think, process, etc. I didn’t want to do anything. Just wanted to turn my brain off. I’ve also been processing way too many things, way too fast.

I couldn’t even work, but was still answering short slack messages.

I was stressing out about my to-do list and the fact that I haven’t answered the dry bar lady yet, but I convinced myself that my rest is part of alignment. I don’t have to force myself to do anything because of a “rush”. I’m telling the universe then that no matter what, even if I need rest, I have to do things in a timely manner. Instead of trusting the universe for things to happen for me.

So today… I didn’t care about anything. Just stayed in my room. Didn’t work out or anything.

At one point, I dyed my mom’s hair but then in typical me fashion, I reflected a little. I realized the reason why I’m so scared to turn my brain off at work is because I think my boss is dumb. Everyone does, and I didn’t want to be like him.

I don’t want people to think I’m gullible, performative, or don’t know what’s going on. No one can scam me at work because they know I see everything. They’re scared of me to some level.

But then I realized, the one thing I have that he doesn’t is embodiment. If I stop being hypervigilant, I still carry my wisdom. He doesn’t.

I will never be like him. It’s okay to stop being a spider about everything. My brain is literally exhausted and can’t take it anymore. It’s overloaded.

At night, took a shower in the dark to calm myself but was getting a bit anxious. Finally did my bottle and put the light in the bathroom. It just needs the magnet now to hold up and some ecalytus.

While going to bed, I saw some emails come in and that’s when I also realized it’s okay to just casually see things. But I get to decide if I care about it enough to do anything about and the speed at when to address it.

4/10 - I felt exhausted but I’m proud of resting and my body needed this.

Inution - This is the reset my body needed

Energy:
25% - rewiring my brain
75% - resting