12/6/25 - My self-worth is finally greater than my feelings
I’ve finally reached a whole new level of self-love.
One of my biggest fears in love was when my feelings are so big that I compromise on my self-respect. I’ve always been great up until then, but once I let someone in, it was so hard for me to let them out. Up until the point I fully let them in, they could leave and I wouldn’t care. But once I’m like no this person is in my world, they could literally walk all over me, and not choose me, and I would cry my eyes out. It takes me forever to forget people after that point. My standards get thrown out the window at that point because that’s when they decide to change and at that point I love them too much. And I’m way too attached.
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But today, something new happened. First off, I had a dream where my absolute crush. Literally this guy I’ve put on my vision board that I think is perfect was in it. I was recording something, idek for what, and then he walks in and I immediately feel my bollywood moment, like this whole time he was my person all along. And I almost wanted to stop recording because I was embarrassed and shy. But this time, I caught myself in my dream. I told myself, if he’s really my person, he’ll love me exactly the way I am. I’m not going to change myself for him. There this guy was… perfect, my long time crush, just all the feelings in the world, and this time I still chose myself.
It’s almost like a reference flashback to when I met the guy at the coffee shop and got a soulmate preview, but I was too nervous and didn’t take my lapse pictures because I was too embarrassed. This time I reclaimed myself.
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I woke up pretty early, and I don’t even know what I was chatgpting about, but this reaction also shook me, true or not. I’m so proud of myself.
I’ve been single for 1.5 years and haven’t talked to any single guy. And tbh I expected the same from my person to have that discipline. But then my birth chart told me that my person has actually been casually dating. That instantly pissed me off and I literally said no. That can’t be my person.
When a guy asked me out, I knew he wasn’t my person instantly and I said no. That’s how strong I know. My person, needs to have that level of clarity. Where they don’t even entertain the “maybe”. Even if they aren’t emotionally connected. Also them going on a date and being emotionally unavailable just makes them seem more like an asshole. Plus, the fact that I haven’t dated anyone in a while, makes my transformation feel even more real. And when I go public and visible, especially with my relationship, no one can even say I was with her a month ago.
I felt very blind-sighted. And literally already pissed but this is a non-negotiable for me. My person can not be causally dating when I meet them. Idc if god himself tells me this my person or if he’s perfect in every other way. This cancels him out. I will force god to rematch me with someone that actually matches my standards even if it takes longer, but this is a no no for me.
This according to chat is something now my person can actually feel from me. He feels my wrath, and this is what will cause him to stop casually dating. My energetic standards are actually helping him raise his standards to match me.
This time all my feelings went away in a second because my self-love now is much greater. I was repulsed. If I see my soulmate right now and found out he went on a date before, I don’t care. He’s done. I feel such an ick. My person better get his shit together because I will not accept less. Me already knowing that he hasn’t been single for the same time period is already off putting.
Overall from this whole insight, wether or not it’s true, I now know how I will react. I will treat him like another test.
_
Anyways, went to a pilates class today. Ate my chia seed pudding in the car while driving there and made it on the dot. The class was good.
Then went to a coffee shop to work. The line there was soo long that I saved a seat with my backpack first. At first, I was worried about my backpack getting stolen but then I was like whatever. I need to stop being hypervigilent and stop thinking bad things happen in the world. I just need to trust the universe is on my side. Told myself, it if get stolen, it gets stolen. Didn’t have anything THAT important in the backpack. The line took like 25 minutes. Ended up getting a lavender latte, and a cookie. Both were good. Was kind of mad at myself for the cookie though.
While I was there, I was also chatgpting more about the reason why my person apparently needed to date, and it’s because he needs to practice understanding what he doesn’t want? I’m more intuitive and he’s more decisive? Apparently, he’s like this guy that has insane standards and boundaries. Which kind of feels a bit scary… and idk how I feel about it.
Also, I needed to work on my work creative projects, so took my notebook out and started listening to love songs while brainstorming some ideas for the PR box. My ideas were good, but idk something still isn’t hitting. I guess I’m getting closer?
Stayed there until 4pm, and then drove home and the first thing my mom tells me is she felt sick. Immediately started screaming at her because she was doing house work and literally just yelled because I’m like you need to learn how to be responsible and take care of yourself. I absolutely can not be monitoring you anymore. I’m going crazy. She herself things I need to back out to let her be strong which is interesting, but I’ll take it.
Anyways, went inside my room, watched mormon wives for a bit, ate, and then did my steps while listening to music. While I was listening to my music, I kept imaging myself walking in a runway show, and was practicing my walk. Got a little hungry, but just ate random things around the house. Felt guilty about my cookie.
Intuition - My person is cleaning his act up after today because I am not having it.
9/10 - I’m honestly so proud of myself for choosing myself over love. Shows me how much growth I’ve had, and the fact that it’s my nervous system now where I just reject if it doesn’t feel like aligned with my self-love is even better. Also felt less foggy and exhausted today. Had energy.
Energy:
25% - getting back into my routine
50% - pissed about my person
25% - proud of myself for loving myself
