9/13/25 - feeling rich & mind, body, soul anchors
I couldn’t sleep cause I was on tiktok and listening to music late at night. Ended up waking up at 8am with high anxiety because it was thunderstorming and I immediately started freaking out that my house was going to flood again, so I woke up and literally took all the important stuff off the floor in case it did flood, and just touched my necklace and prayed and tried to go back to sleep.
I ended up waking up at 11am with the house in tact and having no clue what I wanted to do. Had energy from yesterday but no direction. Ate lunch, made a pumpkin spiced latte and watched TV with mom.
Got dressed and told my mom I wanted to go to the jewelry store to check out jewelry. Even did light makeup and dressed up. Told her to dress up too. Wasn’t sure if I was actually going to get something, wasn’t opposed to it if I really liked it, but mainly just wanted to go to do rich people things. Feel rich, let my nervous system feel it to as my new lifestyle.
When we stepped in the first store, I literally had no problem telling them I wanted something dainty as a choice. I told them it was my style, and I said it with such confidence. Honestly it felt freeing. At one point, my mom asked for the price and felt like she didn’t belong there, but I told her she needed to take that out of her head and act like we were there because we belong.
There was this huge bridal piece and tbh I had no shame asking to wear it too, meanwhile my mom was hesitant like why would I ask. She’s still catching up but I think this is good exposure therapy for her. And for me to felt good to see how I was truly embodying this as my reality of me being rich.
We went to two other jewelry shops but I didn’t really like anything.
Came home, and went on my walk. This time I actually listened to music the whole way on my walk. Half way through I ordered falal sandwiches, so they would be there by the time I got home, and they were.
Mom and I ate and watched TV for a bit.
Then went into my room and watched Saiyara. It was literally so cute, and I actually started sobbing.
After I was done with the movie, literally I was chilling in bed and saw a HUGE cockroach. On my bed. Literally like the ones in my old house, so brought back that trauma and at that point, I refused to sleep on my bed, so went to my mom’s bed.
I feel like the universe is slowly literally stripping all my comfort away. But while I was in my mom’s room, I started wondering when all this even started becoming my peace.
Like literally my home was actually never my peace. My childhood room was too small, and I never had my own space. There was shit everywhere, and if anything that was so much more whack. We had a fire there, it was infested, no space, mold. Literally everything that could possibly be wrong in a living space. We even had paying guests, so I would live out of a container bin.
And then two years ago, I literally lived out of a backpack and would travel to SF EVERY week and sleep on a broken air mattress. Like I dead-ass can’t believe I did all that.
And last year, I was traveling so much two times a month. I would go to SF and new york so much, and the hospital visits that were a whole different story.
So I’ve never had a safe external space for me to feel like my whole world shakes when something happens to my external space now. So why now? Like why all this attachment to my external items now?
Chatgpt said:
Survival years: You didn’t have stability, so your nervous system learned to live light, mobile, unattached. You couldn’t afford to anchor because you didn’t feel safe in permanence.
Healing years: You started creating rituals, boundaries, and space for yourself. Suddenly, having your own room, your own bed, your own things started to feel like medicine — because it gave you what you were missing all those years.
Anchoring now: You’re attached because you’re finally experiencing safety in place. Your house, your room, your belongings aren’t just objects — they’re physical evidence that you’re no longer living out of a backpack, a bin, or someone else’s generosity. They symbolize I belong, I’m rooted, I’m safe.
Last year, home was external chaos → bouncing between places, no true anchor.
Now, home feels external stability → your room, your stuff, your rituals.
Next, home will become internal → your body, your breath, your energy field.
When you were in survival mode:
You weren’t anchored in true safety.
You were numb and distracted — running so fast, solving crisis after crisis, that your system didn’t have time to feel unsafe.
It wasn’t peace, it was adrenaline. That “push” can sometimes trick us into thinking we’re holding it together, but it’s not internal safety — it’s survival autopilot.
Now in healing + anchoring mode:
You’re slowing down enough to notice when you don’t feel safe.
Your body is learning regulation for the first time instead of outsourcing it to chaos or distraction.
It feels harder, because awareness is raw — but it’s real safety being built instead of a survival illusion.
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Which all makes sense but honestly I was so numb that everything actually feels harder. I was just so numb before.
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Anyways, to go to sleep I tried to create internal safety. I used the necklace as a symbol of a physical anchor like my fear is just an illusion. Fear is not real.
And then I tried to imagine a happy place like my future to calm my nervous system. Almost like the movie “happy” where he would imagine his happy place before swinging golf. I imagined my dream house, my parents, my two kids, and my husband and just reminded myself that no matter what that is mine. I just know it. I’m happy with them.
And then I also imagined me mediating with a gold aura around me getting bigger and bigger, while the gods were blessing me and protecting me. It was calm trust energy.
Thinking of all 3 things, I ended up calming my anxiety and fell asleep.
Intuition - The universe is literally stripping all my comfort things away from me to really force me to learn internal safety. I’m pretty sure my phone is next, so I literally need to get phone insurance.
7/10 - Loved being rich, also apparently it was an important astrological day that amplifies how you act. But the universe stripping everything away from me is alot. Although I do think I’m making daily progress.
Energy:
10% - calming my anxiety from the rain
50% - being rich
10% - saiyara
20% - trying to feel safe internally
10% - cockroach situation
