9/12/25 - phone does not equal safety
Woke up and was excited it was my menty b day today. I actually succeeded with having my phone in the living room the whole night but before going to bed was a shit show.
Suddenly, it felt like the darkness got louder. I would always just distract being alone with my phone and being so consumed, but without my phone, it felt like I was faced with the reality of being alone. And ngl it was so scary.
And then I realized that like my home that I use to consider an external source of safety. My face was also “safety” but that’s the very thing I need to detach from. I realized I wasn’t really addicted to social media like I thought it was.
It was that the only way I could be safe is if I had my phone with me. That’s why without my phone, the darkness and demons were loud. It felt like I was stripped away from my safety. The same feeling I felt when the house flood happened. Like my source of safety was gone.
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Woke up and went to go see the sun but somehow came to my room and fell asleep again and then woke up at 11:30am. I was on a mission to not give a shit about my phone or open my laptop.
Decided to show and get dressed, but then started trying on outfits I got. The fall outfits. I was really feeling myself so was taking a bunch of pictures. The only thing was that it looked good on me, but the outfit that I was most excited about, didn’t really feel like me.
I need to learn how to make the fashion feel like me now and not just follow trends and pictures.
Because I grabbed my phone to take pictures, also checked out notifications. As always my social media person was slacking. Can’t wait to fire her. And then I had an initchling that she went to the premier yday, so I checked her insta and of course she was there.
I didn’t mind though. She literally took a picture with Ishan Khattar. It’s crazy how I could have been in that room. Super easy if I said yes to sponsoring the event. But it didn’t feel right. I’m not going to force my way into the rooms. These rooms will be calling me one day as a guest. Everyone was there. And I’m the next person. This time, next year. I’m not meant to be a fly just sponsoring, I’m meant to be the attraction.
And it’s crazy because at one point, I was upset that no one knew my name despite all the amazing work I did in the industry. But it’s because I wasn’t meant to be known that way. It was a blessing in disguise all along.
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Anyways, after dress up, ate, watched TV with mom, and then felt like being active so decided to go to whole foods dressed up and UPS.
Got some drinkys. One thing about me is I’m a drink a crossiuner. It was a sparkling drink from japan.
And then went to UPS and returned my laser. The traffic was soooo bad, literally I need to remind myself to not get out during rush hour. By the time I got home, I was sooooo tired that I took a nap.
Woke up and then ate a bagel and banana, and then went on my walk. Since I went late, it was already dark.
After waking up from my nap, I kind of had fomo and was checking all my friends locations. Like they were all up to something and I wasn’t, but then on my walk, I just realized it’s cause I just regained my energy and had an overflow of energy. It’s not that I have fomo to hang out with them because as a reminder for practice, I hated it and just wanted to go home.
I just have energy overflow, and want to do something new and exciting. Tbh I need to figure out how to internally direct this energy.
Anyways, since it was dark, I was starting to get scared but then I reminded myself that I’m all I need and the fear just needs to return back to me. I also did some breathing exercises and felt better. Started considering maybe getting an ohm necklace as a physical anchor to just touch when I’m scared, so I can remind myself the energy needs to return to me.
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Came home and went to my room and watched Only Murders in the building. Mom came back home from the mandir and then made some fish for dinner and cracked open another bevy.
Also took an edible. Tbh I just think I’m really craving some energy, so need to figure that out tomorrow, now that I’m making progress with the phone anxiety a bit.
Intuition - I’m slowly making progress and stripping away all forms of external anxiety.
8/10 - A good menty B day but still working through emotions and learning how to anchor
Energy:
25% - getting creative with outfits
25% - facing my fears with my phone anxiety
25% - restoring my energy
25% - whole foods and walks
