9/3/25 - Building my own safety, master sovereignty
I woke up dreaming about my ex and at first I was like what the why can I never move on from this. But then it just hit me that maybe I just need to accept it. Until now, I was almost trying to erase my feelings for N and it just wasn’t working. But I also 100% know he’s not my person and I don’t want him back in my life. But I also couldn’t get over the feelings. And for the first time I decided to finally respect the chapter of my life. And maybe just accept I loved him but he wasn’t my person. Until now, I was trying to villainize him like it did with the rest of them. But my heart just couldn’t. Not putting him on a pedestal too. I know he did me dirty but he was also a mirror of me, so I can’t really blame him. I just need to accept my love for what it was and move with peace. And for the first time, I feel like I have the clousure I need.
Half of today was suppppper stressful. Basically woke up panicking cause I had so many things to get done for Malta. The video with the screens and everything and my designer was MIA. At one point, I was getting a bit frustrated and she had the audacity to tell me to be patient. I don’t think she understands how chill I am as a boss. My lack of patience is from her lack of responsibility. So was internally pissed.
Anyways, was praying and panicking but got it all sent over. And was happy with the final product.
Went to go shower and my weight was down 2 pounds. I knew I was just super inflamed. It’s literally from all the cookies and sweets.
But ate and mom left to go to the mandir with her friends.
Was so tired and overstimulated that I took a nap. Woke up and decorated my best friend’s cake. I tried doing the ribbon flowers but it was too much, so I decided not to and wrote her sticky notes instead. Went to go give it to her. I couldn’t tell if she was mad or happy. She has high standards so sometimes even things for her aren’t enough.
Came home, drank some celcius and went on my walk with my new shoes. Decided I was proud of myself for not overextending myself with the ribbon flowers. I did a lot for her graduation and I feel like she barely appreciated it. Today, I did things from an overflow without extending myself. And if she’s unhappy or mad that says more about her. Because I did everything from love. And tbh even more than what she’s done for me recently. Sometimes I do feel like she doesn’t notice how loud I clap for her because she’s too busy looking for who else is clapping. Meanwhile, for me I feel like I hear her clap so loud that I don’t need anyone else to clap. Anyways, I held my boundaries but was still excited to celebrate her. I don’t think I did it from a place of overgiving to “make her happy or appreciate me”. Idc if she’s happy or not. I did what I could do.
Came home and started cleaning and doing the dishes while having my headphones on. It’s always easier for me to clean when no one else is home.
Went to the mandir by myself for Pooja because mom was still gone and it just hit me what my birth chart was saying. I need to create full proof ways of happiness, love, safety & clarity. Things no one can take from me. Things that I live by without any external support.
For example, until now it was external things that made me feel safe. Like my home was a big one. Food was also a big one. And tbh even god. And in one minute everything was taken away from me, and that’s why this flood thing hit hard. Not even because of the actual thing. It’s because it hit all my external safety measures.
And my birth chart said I need to master sovereignty but I didn’t really get it until now even though I’ve slowly been exploring the concepts.
Like I couldn’t even feel god those days. But the one thing I know that will NEVER leave me is future me, and inner child me. Basically me. No matter what happens, they will never leave me. And even that day, future me never left. It was the calm guidance inside of my head guiding me. But I DID LEAVE my inner child, and that’s why I was freaking out.
I need to be united with these 2. I will never be alone.
Same with morals to live by: Fighting for mine and my mom’s self worth (even my dad’s) is NEVER the wrong path. No matter what happens that’s the guiding star. Which is why I know I need to sue my lawyer. He disrespected me.
And in the future, no matter how much money or opportunities are on the table. The answer is always self-worth & self-respect.
I basically need to make a list of every external thing that gives me comfort, and make an internal list as a replacement. So if the external item is ever taken away, the internal item will be there. My world should never be shaken from here on out.
Basically mastering grounding & sovereignty.
At the mandir, I was also dabbling with the idea of pretending I’m an actress and showing up as the person I want to be. But the actor aspect makes it feel like it’s not ACTUALLY mine, so I didn’t like it.
Also, practiced a lot of gratitude at the mandir too.
_
Came home and mom was already home. Ate and watched TV with her for a bit. Also had desert. Cookies and ice cream, and then went in my room and just watched netflix.
Intuition - I still am learning & things I would have never imagined tbh. This whole year has just been super insane with all the learning. Sovereignty is such an interesting concept.
9/10 - I first half was crazy but I felt more at peace by the end of the day
Energy:
33% - freaking out about work
34% - realization & clarity
33% - cleaning & walking
