8/29/25 -Trust issues with god

Woke up and booked my portland tickets. I decided I was going to do a day trip for the low, and then did some work. I’m excited. I also ended up sending the influencer the email that we’re cutting her off in Sep. She was getting way too annoying. Got ready, blow dried my hair and then drove to my mom’s friends house in Streamwood.

While I was driving, my boss decided to have a meeting. Told him I was eating. Also got dunkin on the way. Tbh I don’t feel scared of him anymore. I wonder if I’m getting him anxiety. Got to their house and went upstairs and had a call with him. Told him I liked a girl I interviewed and that I was firing my social media manager. And then had my marketing call. I honestly hate the new guy. It mind blows me I had a crush on him for a day. Cause now I think he’s stupid.

Anyways, after my meetings, went down to have lunch and the food was spicy. But ate and then washed the dishes.

There house is huge and it has a lot of sunlight. Went to their ganpati room and after toured the house. There house doesn’t feel like a dream for me. It feels like of course I’m going to have this too in a couple of years.

And then we left to go to another mandir. They were doing a whole pooja there. It was a south indian mandir.

On the way back home we hit traffic out of nowhere because there was a car accident, so it took forever getting home.

At some point, I found out the miltary is coming next week, and tbh it just sounds super scary. I don’t want to leave my mom alone. That’s when I decided I just can’t go to portland.

Went to the ganesh mandir and had a whole convo with god. Lmao I have these a lot, and it’s lol literally just me talking to myself but I trust I’m getting some sort of clarity.

Anyways, I again decided that I can’t force portland. I know I really badly want to go there but even I know that place is special. God doesn’t want me to go right now. I 100% know either I’m going to meet my person there or I’m getting engaged there. It’s one of those few life previews I have engraved in my head.

1. Me literally starting at him on cannon beach and we’re sitting on a picnic blanket
2. My billboard in times square
3. Me packing lunch for my 2 kids, with my mom in this very particular house.

I feel like these 3 things are just engraved in my memory, like they’ve already happened. So I have to stop my obsession with Cannon Beach. It’s not time.

If I still want my solo trip, I need to go anywhere else but there.

After a while, I saw my mom’s friends daughters and they came to sit next me. One of them follows me on tiktok but doesn’t like my stuff, but she was nice. Idc but I wonder what she thinks. If anything she looks like she was attracted to me (magnetized) not icked out.

Prayed and came home and then canceled all my portland things besides the flight.

Watched an episode of Amanada Knox and then just started panicking about life. My mom’s neropathy, my mom’s safety. I was just panicing so much that I physically felt sick.

Up until now I was so sure god wouldn’t do me dirty but the truth is after this flood thing and all these other issues. I’m not so sure. I trust god but I don’t trust that he won’t put me into hell for me to learn my leasons. I thought I was over it and finally started healing my nervous system. I didn’t think I would have to endure this type of pain after where I’m just so lost, crying, scared and just feel helpless. Last week felt like a slap in the face. And so my complete trust in god feels shaky. I feel betrayed. I trusted that he wouldn’t put in something that feels like I can’t breathe and he did. And honestly I’m mad at him. Like, I literally feel like I have trust issues.

6/10 - too much anxiety at night

Intuiton - I need to breathe.

Energy:
25% - praying
15% - driving
20% - working
40% - panicking