8/30 - Letting go

The past 24 hours have been a lot, filled with a ton of emotions. For some reason yesterday, I felt a pit in my stomach and couldn’t put a name to it. For the past couple of days, I’ve been praying to just fully let go of J and so out of nowhere I just had this gut feeling that J was back on hinge, so I decided to make a fake profile and lol he was. Using the pictures I took of him. The way this tore my heart apart and just punched me in the gut. Nothing was unexpected, but part of me that still had a little hope was hoping that he’s actually working on himself instead of being a hoe. But nope, he actually was be a hoe. Within a month this man was back on a dating app.

At first I was beyond angry, and even this morning I was filled with betrayal but as time went on, I started to make peace with it.

I did this to N. I started dating J within a month of breaking up with N, after telling N I loved him. At that time, I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong because N was the one that broke up with me. I thought it was different, but nevertheless, you can’t tell someone you love them and replace them.

This was my karma. On one side, I feel relieved, I’ve literally officially have gotten back everything I’ve ever done to anyone.

So now, I feel like on a clean slate. Meanwhile, J doing this is just starting his karma. But that’s on him. He has a long journey to go through.

J doing this gave me the ultimate courage to actually hate him, and do something I’d never think I’d actually do. And that’s delete every single picture I have of him and every shared album.

I still need to do this with N but for now, I’m super proud of myself. That’s how confident I am that I never want J back in my life. So it feels good to make steps towards healing, towards breaking free from shackles of memories.

Soon, all the memories will also fade. Time heels wounds. But I’m letting go… and I’m not coming back.

The day started at 2/10 but ended at 7/10. Because after I delete every other relationship out of my phone, I’ll finally be free. Something I haven’t been able to do for years.