8/24 - The need for validation
Today started off pretty strong, but ended up being slightly rock, so I’ll rate it a 7/10. I went out with a friend yesterday and dressed up super cute. Very unexpected, but my eyes were wondering everywhere. I was trying to see if any guy would notice me, and was honestly scouting for hot guys. My mind immediately started wandering to I wonder how my future person is going to look like, and that’s how I know I was desperate for male validation.
I caught myself doing and scouting in the moment itself but I couldn’t help but feel desperate, and that to me told me there’s a lot of work that still needs to be done.
Me folding with anyone just looking at me is again falling for my old habits of accepting a guy that gives me attention. That is not magnetic, boss girl energy. All this yesterday was just going depesperate energy and I wasn’t too proud of it.
TODAY
I woke up with a burst of energy to literally just live my life. For some reason, I really want to take a solo trip and my heart is pointing toward’s Portland, Oregan. So I might just be spontaneous and do that. I did do some googling, and reading blogs, and it does seem like a good place to solo travel. At first, I was a bit sacred even that I’ve actually never traveled to a city where I don’t know ANYONE. When I lived in SF, I had roommates/workmates, so I knew at the end of the day I would have someone for emergencies. But Idk something in me tells me I’m ready for it, so I might just do it to get out my comfort zone.
I also had the energy to go to the gym, but again my experience at the gym today trickled down some thoughts from yesterday. I was way too excited when I was getting even the slightest gaze.
This carried on to the rest of the day as well where I was a little bit upset and maybe even getting a bit unpatient. Like when is my person going to come into my life. But then again, this desperation needs to go away. This behavior screams obsession, not detachment.
Well, despite knowing this, I couldn’t help but wonder why my last 2 recent exes didn’t even bother contacting me after we broke up. It got me a little sad to know that they truely did not feel a need to bring me back into their life, and that got me desperate for validation even more.
But… time to work through these feelings and change the perspection.
N - He knows what I want, and my boundaries. Like I said earlier, we were really good with boundaries. He was the one person I felt like I genuinely knew and my heart is telling me that he just doesn’t want to give me false hope. Above all, last time I talked to him, I told him I moved on, so he probably also doesn’t want to look stupid reaching out a year later when I could be with someone else. He’s not the type to just do a “fuck it” reach out. He would rather think about me for the rest of his life that do that. The one way he would reach out is if he somehow found out I was single or we somehow ran into each other again. But that’s up to faith. LOL he did block me off of everything though months later. Venmo, linkedin, everything.. That has to say something. He’s never done that to anyone else, so that has to say something.
J - It’s too soon. I doubt he’s even on the surface of getting in touch with his feelings. He’s either probably ignoring his feelings, moving on just to fullfill his needs, or probably still thinks he was right. It might not be until a couple of months later where he realizes how much he messed up. J though I do believe will come around sooner or later. It’ll hit him one day on how much he actually fucked up. And if it doesn’t everything I ever did will make sense to him when he’s actually ready to be a husband or when he recieves his end of the Karma. Just like I didn’t fully comprehend was V was saying until literally this year. 2 years later. One day, J will also realize how immature he was.
So moral of the story. I know the love I gave. No one can forget that even if they wanted to. Even if they don’t ever reach out, I genuinely don’t need their validation. I know where I stand in their hearts.
I did also start some pages from the shadow journal, which did indicate there’s still a lot I need to work through. I’ll do a seperate energy on my learnings from the book.
