8/23 - Embracing the now.
Today feels like a 9/10 day. Nothing wrong, just couldn’t sleep and woke up with a sense of anxiety. Not exactly sure why. But overall, my mindset has absolutely changed just in the past 2 days and by the day is even completely over, I feel like I embrace a whole new mindset to the point where even yesterday’s thoughts seem like thoughts from a month ago. A lot has happened mentally just in 48 hours. Even earlier yesterday, when I wrote the blog, I was in a delulu state of mind where I was excited about the idea of everything working in my favor to maybe reunite with N. Within few hours of writing that, I was like honestly even if N doesn’t work out, there is another outcome that might be better.
I fully take the time to heal and just understand myself and meet someone that just becomes my person. I’m actually not scared of starting over anymore.
So then I came to the realization that whatever it is, whether it’s reuniting with N or meeting someone new that becomes person. RIght now is my time to be present and just heal and love myself. And somehow, I started to really love the possibility of anything can happen and I know that one day it’ll all still make sense on why it had to happen in that order.
Later last night, I also started this new book that I ordered from Amazon called the shadow work, so excited to see what healing comes out of that. I did read a couple of pages from it and was fascinated it by the shadow work is facing your demons that you’re scared of.
^^^ All that was still yesterday.
Today, since I woke up with anxiety but still had motivation, I decided to go on an early walk. Btw, I’ve been taking daily hour long walks and listen to the podcast “pivot year” half way through. It’s like listening to random affirmations and quotes.
During my walk, I realized everything you’re scared of is a projection of yourself. I was always scared of guys with anger issues because of the way I become when I get angry and sometimes do things beyond self-control. You don’t trust people if you don’t trust yourself. It’s all a projection.
Regarding J - Lmfao I tbh hate him more and more. I wrote a letter on Notes with the raw honesty and it almost felt like taking off my love glasses and facing reality and now I can’t stand him.
Overall though, it actually feels like I’m healing on so many levels and getting to know myself to a level I didn’t even think was possible.
Haha also it’s only 3pm when I’m writing this from a new coffee shop I decided to check out (Altar Cafe). It’s super cute, and I love the aesthetics /bright atmosphere. BUTT idk if I would like working from here. The seating just feels too close to each other.
Side note - but I wonder if other people also go through the same stages of healing as me. It’s only been like 23 days and lowkey I feel like I’ve already healed from the breakup. What’s everyone else’s healing journey look like? Obviously, I still have personal work to do but yeah I don’t ever want J back to the point where you couldn’t even pay me to get back with him, which brings forward another relationship that sometimes you really do separate yourself from the person to gain full clarity. I’ve actually never been pro breakups, but I might just be pro breaks now. I had so much anxiety clinging onto someone I didn’t even want.
