4/26 -Finding peace with my mom’s actions + freedom

Today was my goal was to work all day since tomorrow was my “launch day”. Main thing I needed done was the captions for my video/branding for the series. I’ve been really struggling with finding something that feels like me, grabs attention, but isn’t too much. Also, I need it to work for all my videos.

I’m trying to wake up at the same day every day. Set the alarm for 8am, but ended up waking up at 9am.

Got ready, and was about to head out the door when my mom had a whole argument with me. She started telling me not to launch tomorrow because it’s not a good day, and this really pissed me off because she already set negative intentions and added superstitions.

I was so set on launching tomorrow. I can’t keep delaying it. But she constantly instills her opinions on me, and that unleashed a whole trigger. I told her, her opinions are what ruined my life in the first place. I never cared about getting married. I had dreams. She emotionally manipulated me saying I needed to get married for the family, and I fell into that to the point I kept dating without a break because I thought that was the only way to save my family out of misery.

She emotionally manipulated me. She made it so I felt like I had no choice. Told me we were at a disadvantage in life. She kept telling me to compromise. Told me getting married was the only way to save us.

Literally none of this was in me before, she instilled all of it.

I was always a idc person and stubborn. I always thought I was the main character. I didn’t ever think I was a disadvantage or wanted to compromise, if anything I’m in the position I am right now because that voice in the back of my head always stood up for myself.

If I listened to her, I would have married V and would have been divorced by now. So I refuse to listen to her anymore. And her being so strong on telling me not to do it tomorrow and just putting so much negative energy on it was so disrespectful.

Anyways, I realized I have a lot of resentment towards her and blame her for my downfall or going off my true path. I’m making peace with it by saying I world needed me to have a karmic cycle with it because that would end up being my purpose. God knew I would come out of it all, but I needed to feel it all, so I can teach other people how to come out of it. This is the story of every brown kid, and I’ve never heard of anyone talk about it. That’s my job. I need to talk about it. That’s my purpose for brown people to be felt heard.

I knew something was missing in my day 1 post and that was it. That piece of information of how I was influenced by my parents to find someone and get married.

Point is I need to release my resentment towards her about “ruining my life” because that’s the part that will make my life and give it purpose.

If she didn’t put that pressure on me, I would have never been hit this low. I would have never felt what other brown kids feel. I would have never had the purpose to make content about healing.

I went to go get my coffee. The first place I went to was going viral on tiktok, and still had a line even after 2 weeks of opening, so I stood in line for 5 minutes and decided to go somewhere else. Drove to this Turkish coffee shop in Lincoln Square that I used to love going to in college. Tried a Cherry Pistacio Latte, ngl the pistacio milk just wasn’t it, but got a bread treat too. It was soft and so good.

Came home, and mom and I were still fighting but I had a call with a photographer. After the other photographer ghosted me, I reached out to another one. This one is way more responsive and we had call. We’re going to go ahead with the flowers photoshoot the day after mother’s day. It works perfectly because I’ll have all my mother’s day flowers too.

Anyways was working on and off the rest of the day while I finished YOU. Still was struggling with the captions. I feel like I’m getting closer but still not there yet.

Got my 10k steps in, and then my best friend texted me. Also I realized she needed the camera during the weekend I’m going on vacation, so I had the balls to say no to her. I honestly can’t believe I did that. Previously I would have just gave it to her, or would have literally got another camera for my vacation so she could get my camera. I was that considerate. I was even thinking of doing it this time but then even after saying “yeah” I said “actually I need it for my trip”. That was growth. Beacuse nothing is happening at the expense of me. I need it, so no. And if she wants to cut me off for things like that sure.

At this point, I’m testing all my friendships. I did this with guys I was in relationships with. I would test them. I would set boundaries. But I never did that with friendships because how could I, they were almost grandfathered in that no matter what they did, I could never get rid of them.

But not anymore. I’m starting a new chapter in life. Everyone will be tested. Not everyone deserves to come into my new chapter with me, and they will reveal themselves. To those that fall off, I’m thankful for their service in my previous life, but I’ve paid off my karmic debt. I’ve given back more than I was ever given.

This new chapter is literally only for the top of the top friendships. My soul connections because I know this chapter of my life is filled with benefits and abundance, and I can’t waste my energy on things that no longer serve me.

I texted her and she no longer needs to save this. I told her I was done, and to make peace with it. Although no one deserves and explanation for me curing them off, I feel like she does. She put this friend group above herself over and over again. She needs to know why I’m breaking it up. She needs that closure, so I did. And now I finally feel free. I feel free to cut ties with anyone that no longer serves me. And I just don’t care for once. I trust the universe to have my back, and as scary it is. It’s just as peaceful.

I saw a reel that said you’re never lonely when you love who you are. And that’s how I feel. Even while being alone, I feel the least loneliness I’ve ever been because I love my own company. I love myself. I have so much respect for myself. I’m literally in awe of all my capabilities and strength and trust.

I keep a baby picture of me in front of me, and I know she’s super proud of me. I know she has my back. I know she feels safe with me.

7/10 - Was chilling all day just wished that I made more progress with the captions

Intuition - I release the resentment with my mom’s decisions. Little me is so proud of me. Also, I need to move in silence now. I can’t tell my mom things either. I literally don’t want anyone’s energy interfering anymore.

Also, my new live date is on the 30th.

Energy:

30% - fighting my mom and feeling resentment

40% - Trying to work

20% - Chilling, watching YOU

10% - explaining things to my best friend