5/15 - Finally seeing all of me

I feel like I’ve had the most intense and insane 24 hours with a crash out I could have never expected. I’ve never thought I looked ugly. I knew I looked different but there was a version of me that I liked.

The day of my photoshoot my insecurity came to light, where there were just so many angles of me and pictures of me that I just didn’t recognize. I feel like until now I’ve blocked all other versions of me and just kept a single vision.

When I saw those pictures it’s like I was looking at myself for the first time. All raw pictures. And I just couldn’t turn away from them like I have been ignoring for years. it’s like I was forced to see all of me, and it was just beyond scary.

The eyes were just so powerful, it was just so raw, so different. I kind of freaked out looking at myself. And tbh I just felt soooo ugly. I just knew I didn’t look like anyone I’ve ever seen, and I wanted to change everything about myself. My eyebrows, my eyes, my smile. I just hated it all. It’s like until now I’ve only loved one side of me, and now I’m seeing all sides of me.

That’s when I realized I’ve been doing this all my life. That’s why I get nervous when someone else looks at me because I’m scared they see the angles and sides of me that I think are ugly and will realize I’m ugly.

I never in a million years thought I would pick apart myself like this. I’ve seen influencers talk about how sometimes they start comparing themselves to other girls online even if they were so confident, and I was so confident that could never be me. That I love myself, especially a couple of weeks ago when I thought I looked so cute.

Seeing the pictures just triggered that insecurity, like is this how other people see me? Has my view of myself all been a lie. I was freaking out. And was just so down bad.

So I ended up taking an edible in the hopes to cry it all out. I knew I was feeling overwhelmed and just needed to release it.

But then I’m like maybe I just need to stare at a picture of myself and see the little things about myself that I would. To fall in love with myself, but I was getting more and more overwhelmed because I just couldn’t. And I just felt more and more ugly.

And then I was like maybe I just need to accept and love the “ugly” pictures. Even in that moment I literally was just shook because I felt so naked and scared. I was trying really hard.

Today I woke up feeling overwhelmed, and again tried loving all the pictures of me.

I had to drop mom off to a funeral home for someone’s funeral. I was just waiting in the car but decided to go to a cafe near by. It was cute, it was called the cactus cafe. I’m pretty sure this was the first time I’ve seen a cactus in Chicago. I got a horchata late from there. Would definitely come back to sit.

They also had a plant shop next door so went there. Roamed around for a bit and then went to go pick up my mom. Realized I went in the wrong direction, so got semi lost while picking her up.

Anyways came home and continued to crash out over the way I look after I ate. I just started feeling like I look so evil, like my eyes look so scary. I also had a lot of energy, so I decided to take a nap to calm down.

After my nap, I woke up and asked my mom how she thinks I look, and she said I look nice but have a sense of power and ambition in my eyes.

That’s when I realized that this was the first time I was seeing my own power. It really scared myself.

While I was on my walk I realized all my life other people have tried to shut down my power because I’ve tried to dim it too. I myself was scared of my own power. I can’t act like I”m not that. I am that. That is me.

No one is going to love me until I see me and love me. I decided I needed to write a love letter to myself and stop fearing my own power. If anything the full moon taught me to face myself. Something I’ve been running away from all this time.

Earlier today, my best friend also texted me and I told her I was sure and she needed to respect my decision. I think she’s taking things too seriously.

Also ordered a tripod today to try to take some self portraits. My body is also rejecting this whole b-roll and voiceover thing. It’s just too time consuming and it’s just not working for me. I feel like I’m being forced. I need to find another way to share the content.

Anyways, my life feels insane/unknown. I’m overwhelmed. A little lost. Literally did the hardest thing I’ve ever done of facing myself. Like of course I’ve looked at myself in the mirror millions of times but this is the first time I really saw all of me. crazy. and soo soo hard.

Just keeping faith.

Intuition - I’m on the right path.

4/10 - crashed out 600 times and idek if I’ve still fully accepted myself but I think I feel a little better.

Energy:
80% - crashing out and trying to accept myself
20% - overwhelmed, answering my best friend