5/16 - Not in survival mode anymore
Something I forgot to talk about is that last night while mom and I were watching TV, there was a sad scene and my mom started sobbing. Lately she’s been telling me that she keeps remembering the moments of when my dad left and I was little. I had to tell her that her body is stuck in trauma, and she needs to explain to her body that I’m grown, she did it, and it’s okay for her to release the fight or flight and survival. And then she asked me why she’s feeling it now. I told her that because your body is finally done fighting, so now it’s feeling the impact. Like when people go to war they feel the impact years after.
Out of nowhere I started having anxiety about my 1-on-1 with my boss today. I know I haven’t been putting in work so the version of me that felt like she exhausted herself and performed to show value is freaking out about getting fired. But then I reminded myself of the whole coworker situation. I’ve been wanting to fire her for so long and she’s still here. It’s not her time to leave. She also got the job by chance. So nothing will happen, because god/universe controls everything. If I do get fired, it’s because it’s my time for my next set of blessings. Until then the universe has my back.
This is my test to see if I’m ready for a life that’s not based on my “performance”. I’m not in the survival mode anymore.
I feel like I already did the base healing. Now I’m shedding whatever layer is left of old me to create a whole new powerful, unstoppable version of me.
But also saw something on tiktok about how you get sick when your body finally feels the trauma, so that made me slightly scared.
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Appearance: I saw pictures of this person on IG and her eyes looked so bold and intense in the pictures. But I’ve seen her in real life. She did have a bitch face but she didn’t look anything like her pictures with the intensity. So i don’t look evil in real life, it’s literally cause I made my eyes big. Everyone warms up to me so there has to be something about it.
My pictures do not define me.
And today I saw an early video of this one influencer that I hire for work stuff. Her expressions were off 8 years ago too when she first started, but now she’s a natural. Need to just remind myself that if anything it’s a sign that I just need to work on the poses. I’m not just going to be automatically good.
My test to not give up when I don’t know something but to learn.
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Anyways I woke up a bit early and put my headphones on and got to work. Ended up being really productive and got whatever I needed to get done. Love those moments because I lock in to the point I get work done in minutes. Also had my call with my boss, and it was so chill. Like lasted only a couple of minutes.
After lunch I decided I was going to lock in and finish the mother’s day titkok, so I did and finally posted it. I haven’t posted in 5 days, so was feeling a bit guilty. But then decided that I’m going to do the debt system to not punish myself. Because the only way this doesn’t decredit my progress is by owing. For example, every time I don’t get my 10k steps in. I have a balance of __k steps and need to do more steps to make up for it. The same way, since I didn’t post for 4 days, now I owe 4 days of double tiktoks.
Plus, I saw an ant on my bed again. It’s crazy how every time I stop posting I get an ant on my bed. Literally no where in the house. Last time I googled it, it was a sign from the universe to go all in. So at this point, I stopped freaking out and just consider it signs from the universe.
Also got my 10k steps in today by going on a walk in the afternoon. On my walk, I was praying to get enlightenment for an easier way to do my series because this editing situation is just too much for me.
I knew I needed to do some yin yoga, so I booked a yoga class and before going there were dust storm warnings. Thankfully made to my class, and even walked a bit after to finish my steps.
Was craving something sweet but knew I was going to get cake tomorrow, so decided to hold off.
10/10 - Productive day, back on track
Intuition - I can’t stop posting. Literally, no matter what i post, I just need to keep going.
energy:
60% - working
30% - fitness
10% - dust storm
