5/17 - Hyper independence

Today was an emotional rollercoaster. I woke up kind of confused on how my day was going to go just because last night I messaged the friend group on how I needed space from them, and was still kind of bickering with my friend. So I didn’t know if we were still going to celebrate or not. Most of me also just felt like things were off, so deep down I kind of wished she would cancel but at the same time I still wanted to celebrate.

I decided to go to the gym to get my steps in, and made a tiktok before going in. While I was at the gym, she sent me a picture of her needing to do laundry and I flipped out because I was like “it’s okay if you don’t have the emotional bandwidth”. In the moment, I think I was just so uncomfortable with the fact that this would be the first time in a long time where I wouldn’t be celebrating with the whole friend group and I knew it was going to be different. That I just convinced myself that I was only going to be happy if I celebrated on my own.

celebrating on my own + knowing what to expect > feeling a slight void + not knowing what to expect

She told me she was just chilling and that’s when I took a sec to be like I’m clearly self-sabotaging because I think I can only be happy with my own comfort. A new level of hyper-independence because hyper-independence isn’t just doing everything by yourself and not asking for help.

It’s also letting people in to the castle you’ve built for yourself. Trusting that other people can provide peace and happiness in your life too because humans need community and you can’t just isolate yourself.

Which honestly was insanely enlightening too me because I’m starting to get on the “too much” spectrum of independence. I need to let people in my life again.

Anyways, got my 10k steps in, ate, watched tv with mom, and got ready. While getting ready, I just decided to film more random tiktoks. I’m 4 Tiktoks in debt. Also, I’m just so much better at yapping than trying really hard with the script, so at least it’s easy.

Picked up my friend and she came over. She got me a cute cake, and did all whole set up. We literally took sooo many pictures, and they all turned out so good. Tbh it kind of healed my insecurity from the past couple of days. Because these were effortlessly turning out so good. The theme was red, and I got a bunch of my interest pictures. Some with my mom too. It actually didn’t end up being awkward because we were just being ourselves.

We literally ran through 5 candles while taking pictures. After cutting the cake and eating it, I wanted to go out, so we decided to get ice coffee and just sit by the beach and talk. It was a bit chilly but still wholesome. I just yapped, and ended up telling my best friend about the photoshoot. We walked some more and got even more pictures in.

Overall, It ended up being fine! I actually didn’t feel the void, but best friend did feel a bit guilty that my other friend wasn’t invited but tbh I didn’t because I just couldn’t have her there right now. I need space from her.

I did feel loved, even if it was just random. I do feel like I made the right choice at the end of the day, and I’m proud of myself for having the strength to literally distance myself from people I think no longer serve me.

I came home and was looking at the pictures from today. I also saw a old picture of me in the same color red. I look so much better in red now, and I’m convinced that you look good in the aura you give off. Like I used to look good in green because that was my comfort era, and then bright blue because that was my healing era, and now red is my color because I’m in my fire era. Also, I see how different I look in just a year. Crazy. I definitely look so much more hotter. But also helped with the whole insecurity issues I was having.

Anyways, also decided to post 2 more tiktoks and now I’m only in debt with 2 Tiktoks.

My bday is tomorrow. I can’t believe i’m in my late 20s now. 27. lol

Intuition - This was my sign to not shut the doors to my heart because sometimes I really do overthink, and it’s not all intuition.

10/10 - Felt loved, and even though I was emotional, I’m still happy.

Energy:
40% - Freaking out, overthinking, overreacting
60% - Happy, in peace, yapping, taking pictures