5/14 - learn not hate
I woke up and my morning was instant chaos with my best friend texting me saying my other friends wanted to come to my bday. And for some reason I got the strength to text back saying no I didn’t want to celebrate. I feel like the universe is testing me in every way possible to see if I’ll fall back. But somehow I feel like I have the strength to stand up for myself, but can’t lie a part of me still has a little anxiety if I’m making the wrong decision, if I’ll end up alone. Like what if everything will just end up as a disaster? I'‘m literally just surrendering to the universe and putting complete faith, and so far it’s working.
I have a strong feeling to just stand my ground and keep going. Also saw something on tiktok where the girl was like she wakes up every morning and quickly journals how she thinks her day is going to go. Need to start doing that tomorrow. I literally just need to pull the trigger and just show up as my future self.
Anyways, got ready and headed out to go to mom’s eye follow up. The traffic was heavy so it took us 40 minutes to get there. I decided to wait in the car and go to a matcha cafe near by that’s been everyone’s top pick. The line was huge and it took a while, but by the time my mom called me I was done. Unfortantely, her eye doctor had to go to an emergency, so her appointment got rescheduled to tomorrow. We literally just wasted 3 hours coming and going and waiting.
I came home and started working on cutting the clips for my mother’s day voiceover, edited slight details in my photoshoot pictures, and literally made a tiktok. #adhd brain where I just randomly pick up tasks depending on my mood. I am in love with the tiktok I made.
Earlier today I texted the photographer if she was done editing and she said she was. Literally in the 2 hours, she got like maybe 8 good pictures. But overall whatever. I also needed to practice my poses a bit more, I felt super unprepared. So I guess lesson for both of us moving forward. I also need to train my eyes. They’re way to big for each picture.
Part of me still can’t help but feel insecure, so i’m still working on that. But I just need to remember it’s all practice and I refuse to give up. I’ve literally already gotten better in a year. My toxic trait is that I want to be good at everything, and I ignore the getting better aspect to it. I give up way too quickly. I need to literally work on that.
I needed crash out today because I was having small frequent meals.
There’s this girl on tiktok that literally just started posting. She literally only has 18 posts and has 11k followers. I can’t help but think what am i doing wrong.
But emotions aside. Her quality is pretty good, she’s consistent, the story in her posts is good too, it’s authentic.
Mine - the quality needs work, i need to change the hook, I need to be more authentic, and be more consistent.
I need to learn from people that have already figured it out, not hate and burn from jealousy. If anything they’ve figured out the path for me.
For modeling - I need to practice my poses. Every model does too. It has nothing with the way I look. Plus, I 100% know people are going to look at my pictures and think I’m a natural, but only I know the anxiety and process behind everything.
I need to remember that all the creators I like have also gone through the same thing.
On the other note, I did do a lot of chat gpting with the anxiety creeping in. And I need to figure out work ethics. How to lock in.
I didn’t get my steps in either, so now I need to do a double day on Thursday and Friday. I can’t give up. I need to figure this shit out and cut out energy leaks.
Even journaling right now, I have youtube music videos playing in the background on my monitor. That’s how I would focus as a kid. I would have the TV playing on in the background. PBS to be exact but literally this brain fog situation has also gotten worse.
Just asking god for strength. And I also literally need to work tomorrow too. There’s just always so much to do, and I just need to lock in for everything.
Intuition - Just keep listening to the voice inside guiding me and literally magnetizing my vision board
6/10 - Way too many energy leaks
Energy:
25% - friendship drama
30% - Insecurity
35% - brain fog
10% - random creativity
