4/30 - You’re not reliving your past, you're healing it + rewriting bad memories/places + launch day

Today feels like one of the longest days I’ve had in a while, with literally 3 naps. Woke up at 3:45am because we had to be at the hospital at 5am for the surgery. Before leaving, I knew I needed to calm my anxiety and body. So I looked in the mirror and had a whole talk with myself, talking to the inner child in me. It’s like my mind is already caught up on what’s right and how I should think, so my mind reacts fast, but my body isn’t used to feeling safe. It’s been traumatized and it’s been in survival mode for so long.

That’s the same thing that happened with the credit card situation the other day. My brain was okay, if anything my brain always knows god has my back and there’s always a reason for whatever happens. I’ve also heard multiple times that nature and technology goes crazy before you quantum jump, but my body was in survival mode. Literally like I was going to get killed, fight or flight within seconds.

That’s what was happening this morning too. My stomach was also feeling all the pain. I’m starting to understand the difference between trauma vs. intuition. Any time I have a flashback from the past it’s all anxiety. The day I almost saw my mom dying took such a toll on my body that it registered a fight or flight response, and any time she has surgery that anxiety comes back.

I asked Chatgpt to help me feel better and it really said something that stuck with me, which I used an affirmation to feel better the rest of the day. It said “You’re not reliving your past, you're healing it.”

Which to me is almost like I get to overwrite it. It reminds me of the time I somehow visited every place in New York that I’ve been with a guy, with my own memories. Basically rewriting my feelings associated with the places. Same thing in SF, I got to go to the same places by myself, re-writing them with my own memories.

And it finally hit me.. the reason why I was more shocked the day the trauma happened was because I subconsciously blamed myself. I prayed once, but I wasn’t worried. I almost assumed my mom was going to come out of the operation quickly, and we can continue about our day. I was so innocent about it, and when I almost lost her it shook me because it was completely unexpected.

Idk if I’ve mentioned this before, but this is where my deepest secret comes from. I’ve been living in anxiety since then, any time my mom goes out on her own, I’m freaking out she’s going to get hit my a car or something, or if she’s alone, I’m always checking up on her.

I wasn’t like that before. I was so innocent to the point that I was like nothing can ever happen to my mom. But something did happen, and now I’m been carrying that feeling with me for a whole year. I’ve been preparing myself every time she steps out by thinking the worst, so I’m never that blindsighted again.

Everytime she also has surgery now, I also drown in anxiety, where I’m excessively praying and just sweating.

But today - I decided I needed to just trust god and re-write that day. So I sat in almost the same spot as I did last year, just imagined god protecting my mom and her being protected by a gold aura of nothing being able to harm her, constantly tried calming my nervous system by repeating “I’m not reliving my past, I’m healing it” and just went to sleep. I wasn’t as innocent as I was when the incident happened a year ago, but I also wasn’t as anxious. I trusted god to not fail me. I trusted that whatever happened last year was a one-time thing, and it’s not happening again. I need to release and heal from that incident.

She came out and was perfectly fine, so was thankful about that. Last time, she also immediately got sick after she was discharged, but again to re-write the incident, I took her home immediately. We got home by 9:30am, and then ate and fell asleep for an hour. We needed to come back at 1pm for a follow-up check-up.

Got back up and drove back to the hospital. Suprisingly, valet was only $5 so did that. The doctor also said everything went well.

Overall, am I completely over my trauma… no. But it was a positive step. I need to find a way to re-write the sentiment I have with the image of her in the hospital that gruesome day to shift its energy over me. Beacuse that’s what still haunts me, but also completely changed my relationship with my mom. I love her sooo much more now because I know what it feels like almost losing her. Before I almost didn’t really care about her like that. She was my mom and she was just there. Not now, now she’s my life and also my strength.

I got her prescription, and then we stopped by froth. I grabbed a cookie, and a matcha. It was cute little date with my mom. Also need to re-write my emotions with froth. That used to be the place I would go to when my mom was in the hospital for surgeries, so I need to take her there one day and have a cute little breakfast with her there.

We came home and ate again. I posted my raw tiktok, but it has 0 views lol. No worries though, I know this is a test to see if I give up before I get abundance. Earlier today was also a test to see if I can calm my nervous system.

Then I napped again, I feel like my sleep has been so fragmented. Also did have a good amount of sugar unfortunately. Part of me thinks I stress ate a bit. Again need to work on removing emotions from food. Idk how I was so good about it for so many months. I also feel like I’ve been way emotional lately or idk if I’m just forgetting everything I went through the past couple of months. About to unlock it while I create my series.

Regarding the series - I still need to finish captions and record the voice overs, but I know I’ll get it done. May 2nd is going to happen no matter what.

Anyways, now getting the rest of my steps in.

Also, reminding myself not to take the content thing personally. It really wasn’t good content. The only significance it had for me was to be vulnerable and just start.