3/2/26 - Feeling safe in love, holi

Last night, I saw this girl I knew’s IG picture. There was some softness about her that she was in a relationship. And then I remembered how they portrayed Kate from Bridgerton too. In her season, he looked so guarded and in this season, she looked smart but soft. Like she was held.

That’s when I looked through my IG and saw I literally haven’t been happy since Dec 2023. The last time I was in a happy relationship. Every picture after that - I could see a level of sadness/guardedness in my eyes.

I kind of grieved the fact that I haven’t been happy in almost 2 and half years. The fact that I lost the glow.

Before it felt like I was so happy, but also naive, expressive, soft, warm. I looked so innocent.
Now, I look so guarded, contained, wise, observant. Like I’ve seen everything.

The sweet spot would be a combo of both, where I’m still contained but also look soft and happy. It’s like happiness with permission. Maybe I need to allow myself to relax.
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Woke up and remembered things from the movie I saw yesterday where she was so guarded because she couldn’t feel soft in life.

That’s when I realized I need to feel like I’m as soft and happy as I would be in a happy relationship. I’ve been working my way up to it where I have been building love for life and just happiness in curiosity.

Chat said I don’t need to fake happiness. I need to feel safe. Women glow different when they feel safe/held/protected. And I finally get what that means. Until now, I was like wdym I do feel safe now. But not like I would if I felt knowing my husband was with me to just handle things too.

That’s when I realized I haven’t felt safe in life since my dad left in 2010. Until then, I was just so carefree. I truly trusted my parents would just take care of it. But I saw the moments where my mom was scared and didn’t have the answers, that’s when life taught me that my parents can’t actually handle stuff and I had to look out for myself and my mom. And then every time I would get into a relationship, I would feel relief. I would feel like someone finally came to save me, especially in the initial stages of the relationship before problems showed up. That’s what I saw in movies and in real life relationships, girls finding guys that saw them through their guardedness. That’s what I was expecting even now that someone would just really see me through it all.

Until 2023, with my multiple relationships, I subconsciously thought a man would someday come to save me and I just needed to hold on long enough for that to happen. In 2024, I realized no one was ever going to save me. Subconsciously taking away that relief. Feeling like there was never going to be an end to “holding on”, I just had to get stronger, which is where the guardedness came from.

Now, I’m realizing there is an end to “holding on”. I’m that end. Not a man. Especially now that I know I literally can handle anything that comes my way. I trust myself from the bottom of my heart.

I finally understand what no longer bracing means. To just feel safe and held. To exhale. Literally like how I would if I was in a happy relationship.

Months ago, chatgpt said I’ll get to a point where people will fall in love with my softness not because I don’t know what the world is but because I choose to be soft and warm knowing how hard the world is. That FINALLY makes sense to me today.
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My boss is out of office today, so I really thought I was just going to take a day off too, but didn’t feel like just laying in bed. Actually felt like writing, working a bit, etc.

Some success story couple messaged saying they wanted more money, so I literally had to tell the team what to do. And then the influencer girl on my team messaged me about this Eid opportunity, and this time I was ready to go with a plan since I had already been thinking about it for months. She decided to take it on, so I was like okay go for it.

Today is Holi so had lunch, and then drank some ginger lemon tea while watching TV. Worked for a bit, and then at 5pm got ready to go to the mandir. This random black kurta I pulled out looked sooo good.

I felt grateful that I now get the experiences I didn’t have growing up. When I was little there would be a small holi fire, and just a little color. Now, almost mandir does a huge fire, with now holi parties.

The mandir closed super early because of the eclipse.

At the end, this rishta ba cornered me and started asking me what kind of guy I want and if I have someone. I literally straight up told her I don’t have anyone. Next time she asks, I’m about to give her a whole list of qualities I’m looking for.

Then just sat in the car and waited. My aura at the mandir today was contained but nice.

Came home, ate a little more, watched this bollywood movie but wasn’t really feeling it. Instagram wasn’t cutting it either.

I think I’m trying to find inspiration from everywhere to be more creative now that I subconsciously know my ideas aren’t original. It feels like I’m seeking but I’m not finding anything anywhere. Everything just feels like noise.

Deleted chatgpt today too and I’m now using claude, which all these deals going on. Tbh I’m not a big fan of having my journals online too anymore. Need to find an alternative soon.

Haven’t heard anything about the house yet. Just prayed.

Intuition - The ideas aren’t going to come from elsewhere; they’re going to come from me.

8/10 - Overall good and just felt grateful

Curiosity - How to be warm again, where to find creativity inspo

Joy - Holi

Energy:
50% - work
25% - holi
25% - realizations