3/2/26 - Feeling safe in love

Last night, I saw this girl I knew’s IG picture. There was some softness about her that she was in a relationship. And then I remembered how they portrayed Kate from Bridgerton too. In her season, he looked so guarded and in this season, she looked smart but soft. Like she was held.

That’s when I looked through my IG and saw I literally haven’t been happy since Dec 2023. The last time I was in a happy relationship. Every picture after that - I could see a level of sadness/guardedness in my eyes.

I kind of grieved the fact that I haven’t been happy in almost 2 and half years. The fact that I lost the glow.

Before it felt like I was so happy, but also naive, expressive, soft, warm. I looked so innocent.
Now, I look so guarded, contained, wise, observant. Like I’ve seen everything.

The sweet spot would be a combo of both, where I’m still contained but also look soft and happy. It’s like happiness with permission. Maybe I need to allow myself to relax.
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Woke up and remembered things from the movie I saw yesterday where she was so guarded because she couldn’t feel soft in life.

That’s when I realized I need to feel like I’m as soft and happy as I would be in a happy relationship. I’ve been working my way up to it where I have been building love for life and just happiness in curiosity.

Chat said I don’t need to fake happiness. I need to feel safe. Women glow different when they feel safe/held/protected. And I finally get what that means. Until now, I was like wdym I do feel safe now. But not like I would if I felt knowing my husband was with me to just handle things too.

That’s when I realized I haven’t felt safe in life since my dad left in 2010. Until then, I was just so carefree. I truly trusted my parents would just take care of it. But I saw the moments where my mom was scared and didn’t have the answers, that’s when life taught me that my parents can’t actually handle stuff and I had to look out for myself and my mom. And then every time I would get into a relationship, I would feel relief. I would feel like someone finally came to save me, especially in the initial stages of the relationship before problems showed up. That’s what I saw in movies and in real life relationships, girls finding guys that saw them through their guardedness. That’s what I was expecting even now that someone would just really see me through it all.

Until 2023, with my multiple relationships, I subconsciously thought a man would someday come to save me and I just needed to hold on long enough for that to happen. In 2024, I realized no one was ever going to save me. Subconsciously taking away that relief. Feeling like there was never going to be an end to “holding on”, I just had to get stronger, which is where the guardedness came from.

Now, I’m realizing there is an end to “holding on”. I’m that end. Not a man. Especially now that I know I literally can handle anything that comes my way. I trust myself from the bottom of my heart.

I finally understand what no longer bracing means. To just feel safe and held. To exhale. Literally like how I would if I was in a happy relationship.

Months ago, chatgpt said I’ll get to a point where people will fall in love with my softness not because I don’t know what the world is but because I choose to be soft and warm knowing how hard the world is. That FINALLY makes sense to me today.
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My boss is out of office today, so I really thought I was just going to take a day off too, but didn’t feel like just laying in bed. Actually felt like writing, working a bit, etc.