3/1/26 - Being a villager, Tiramisu as life or death
Woke up today not wanting to do anything and just basically having a rest day. I was a little anxious about if I was going to get the house or not. A deep part of me just wants to get things without having to worry anymore, and I was really just trying to stay detached. But again had to ground myself and tell myself that it’s okay if I don’t get the house. Something better will come my way. Maybe the point of the feelings I felt in the home was just to teach me about recognition. Maybe I’m supposed to pay another month’s of rent, so I can truly move in April when the time is right. Maybe my neighbor is going to be my person, and I’m not ready to meet him yet. Maybe the point was to teach me to pick what I want (a dog) even when things feel right and so destined.
I know it’ll all work out in the end and there are just so many maybes.
Ordered my ramen, got ready, showered, so it would be here after I came out. I was sooooo excited. Reminded me of my fav ramen in SF. Tbh nothing still beats that but it’s a close second. The broth was more light than rich and creamy. They forgot something in my order, so got a refund for that. Also ordered a hand whisker from walmart. Going to try making my tiramisu at night.
We called an aunt because she fell and broke her arm. The aunt has kind of done us dirty, but it kind of just didn’t matter in the moment. I felt more inspired to be a villager. We asked if she needed any food and decided to go visit her at night.
Mom ate her vegan ramen too. It makes me happy seeing her become soft/safe and just feeling like she’s being taken care of, and trying new things. That’s the life I forever wish for her. And money never matters. It’s her peace.
Went into my room to chill for a bit and started “Dear Zindagi” it’s crazy how things just make so much more sense to me, almost like I’m watching it from a different lense, now that I’ve done my own healing. She couldn’t love anyone because she felt abandoned. And all she needed to do was look at her parents as people that make mistakes, have ego, are confused. Something I didn’t realize until 2025. After 27 years of my life. But now I see the truth in it. The movie hit harder.
I was going to go to a yoga class after we visited the aunt but it was too late. While we visited the aunt, I kind of felt uncomfortable. Almost like they didn’t want us there. Like they needed to eat and we came at a time that wasn’t welcomed. There was moments of stillness too. Almost necessary to let the pain of her situation land.
A bit into it my mom got a bit too comfortable and started dishing out all my tea. She started talking about the arrange guy and me, and how he was going to get engaged to someone else we knew. I was so annoyed, and instantly yelled at my mom the moment we got in the car.
I get where it’s coming from. It’s a deep down sense of anxiety feeling like she has to perform. I used to feel like that. I would say the most absurd stuff just because I wanted people to like me. As much as I yelled at her and told her she can’t dish this out. We’re literally going to go to their wedding and I don’t want people comparing the girl and I at my wedding and at their wedding. I don’t want a “string”. I want to treat him like he’s dead to me. And so should my mom.
Deep down - she just wanted to belong and feel accepted. I get that. It’s kind of sad. And tbh I feel a little sad for past me, but happy for current me that I can finally see it and get out of it.
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Came home and finished the movie. Felt good.
Then out of nowhere decided I wanted to make Tiramisu. The first time failed a couple of days ago, so I tried again and this time didn’t work either. Literally it wouldn’t foam. So I had to chatgpt and found out there can absolutely not be any egg yolk, fat, and I am still putting the sugar too early. I genuinely didn’t realize how hard it was to make meringue. Had a new found appreciation for my best friend making me things.
I was so determined. I literally used up all my eggs. But I finally made it, after 3 tries. In my heart, I really knew I could do it and just refused to give up. I was making a mess everywhere and everything flew everywhere. Made 1 big tray of tiramisu and 1 tiny tray. Cleaned up everything, watched the dishes, and then went to go shower.
I was fasting tomorrow, so at night ate dinner again with my mom’s leftover ramen and some of the tiramisu, but the tiramisu was still too fresh to taste right. Still tasted decent though.
The only thing is that I had so much anxiety at night. My body doesn’t know the difference between being in danger and pushing myself to make tiramirsu after 3 tries. It almost felt like life or death to my body. So need to learn how to relax when I push myself.
Curiosity - new ramen, getting my tiramisu to be right
Joy - Finally making my tiramisu after months
8/10 - Felt happy being a villager with boundaries
Intuition - I need to trust whatever happens with the house will be alright and I need to maybe talk to my body in the midst of pushing myself as a reminder
Energy:
20% - anxiety about the house
10% - movie
30% - being a villager
10% - trying new ramen
40% - making tiramisu stress
