6/21 - Friend’s Engagement party and choosing my mom

Woke up early and got ready to go to my friends house for their mini prayer and pictures. I curled my hair today and felt cute. It was literally so hot in their house that everyone was just dying. BUTTT as soon as I walked in her cousin literally smirked at me and stared dead into my soul. Like I felt it. It def was not a normal look. And then throughout the time at her house, I literally caught him staring at me in the middle of a crowd to the point I would literally get shy and hide behind someone. It was wild. I literally felt his eyes on me.

After their pooja, we took a bunch of pictures and then went to the church for their ceremony. I drove everyone since I needed my car and made a pit stop to taco bell since one of the girls wanted coke. Even at the church, I literally felt her cousin looking dead at me.

The ceremony was cute and I saw people from my high school because they’re the grooms friends. All of them went on the party bus but I went to go pick up on my mom.

And I don’t regret it. I’m happy I chose my mom. She kept saying she didn’t know if she should come but I wanted her to feel loved. And old me would have thought she was a burden, deep down some part of me still feel like she feels like a responsibility but this time I’m fighting it and choosing her with love because I know I have to change that feeling.

I came home and got her ready a bit and left to drive to the engagement. As soon as I got there literally her cousin was outside and was staring at me. Idk if he just looks at everyone that way or if he looks at me because of our history.

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Regardless today, I also decided I was going to stay calm for the performance and let my body do the dancing. I’ve practiced enough and after what happened on the mendhi night, I knew I needed to just chill out.

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At the hall, I sat with my mom for most of the time because I didn’t want her to be alone and would only jump to the other table to do check-ins. Having her be alone is literally my worst nightmare, but she’s always such a good sport about it which always inspires me.

Like she was talking to the people at our table, and even told me not to worry and that she moved up to see the performances. She would literally stand in the middle, which sometimes embarrases me but one thing about her is that she doesn’t care about hiding herself. Meanwhile, I would probably just stay in the back on my phone. She literally wanted to see stuff, she tried things, and even went to the photo booth alone before I went with her.

And ngl I really do look up that. As much as that embarresses me, it just reminds me of my own fear of being visible. I’m proud of who she is because that’s her magic and that’s where she shines bright.

The dance lolol, I did end up getting a bit nervous and forgetting. It wasn’t that obvious though since there were people in front of me, but everyone else did SOOOO good. Like the performances where probably the best performances I’ve ever seen at an event. The entrance has like 40 people in it so I was just winging it and it went by super quick.

It did take a while for the entrance to happen because the grooms side just wasn’t organized like that. And I was super nice to my friend. I even sent her a cute text in the morning for her big day and asked her whatever she needed at the event too.

Got mom shirley temples and we stayed for the dance floor for like 20 minutes before I did a irish goodbye.

I will say though, I caught him staring at me in the middle of the engagement too in between a crowd and althought he’s not my person, I want that some energy from my person.

The food at the engagement party was insane, they def spent a shit ton of money.

8/10 - Overall today was fun and I feel like this was a live example of not treating my mom like a burden and actively choosing her even though it was a bit emotional and hard.

Intuiton - Healing is day by day, I have to continue to work the feeling in the actual environments.

Energy:
40% - Blushing with her cousin looking at me
40% - Actively choosing my mom
20% - Trying to stay calm and just present