11/27/25 - Thanksgiving, being present with my mom

Slept super late because I was so into the new stranger things season. And then woke up and just chilled in best for the most part. Was super into it and wanted to finish the season. Checked my weight and I literally gained a 1 pound after barely eating yesterday and working out, and it’s always the fat percentage that increases too, which confuses me even more.

I want to build muscle and get toned but I just haven’t figured out how to work out effeciently. Every time I got to the gym, I literally gain weight over at least lose body fat or gain muscle. So far the only thing that’s working is walking + calorie watch. Idk if the stair master caused me to go into stress or if the taco bell ended up putting me over in calories? Idk what’s going on, but’s a pattern. Kind of frustrated that I haven’t figured this out. I didn’t even feel like I was putting my body in stress, I did a whole sound bath session after.

Anyways, mom and I had coffee, avacado, and my usual butter/jam bread of breakfast. Too much bread already in the morning. Made a coffe butter latte as well.

Then went back into my room and finished the last episode of Stranger Things. The ending was basically conquering your fears and you don’t even know how much power you have until you break out of your pressure. Feels very on theme with my life this year.

Somehow, I also really started missing my best friend. I’ve been trying to avoid her and keep my distance from her but something tells me I’m not supposed to do that. She’s the one person I immediately feel a void for every time I don’t talk to her. The friend group not so much because they don’t provide that much value in my life to begin with, but her I feel liek something is missing. Almost like she’s actually connected to me, which I already know. She’s definitely a soul connection. And it’s in the way that I “want” her in my life, not need her.

Attempted to shop but got too lazy. Then mom called me cause she wanted to make the food. We weren’t doing anything special today, mom and I decided we were going to put up our tree, make noodles, and cookies/bagels.

I was kind of lazy to go and do it but realized that I’m not present with her. I’ve been complaining this whole time about my best friend not being present and her mind feeling a void. Until now, I feel like I’ve been giving that energy to my mom too. I feel a lack of a family, especially on days like today. Where I just want more people, an actual thanksgiving, so I don’t give my attention to my mom. Even if I do something it’s almost like I’m being forced, or I just want to go back into my room, or I’m just rushing. I’m just never present.

So today, I feel like I caught myself in real time and just tried to really being there. I put music on and then reminded myself that I actually want this. Every time my extended family comes over, it’s so stressful. Today felt like peace, me and my mom just making things. I want this. I love this. And this is what matters. The person I actually love the most. We made a couple of things, I baked my cookies, she was making the noodles, then we made bagels and ate while watching TV. We then set up the new christmas tree that I ordered. We haven’t put the ornaments yet.

Overall, we just spent time together, and I feel like I need to just get better at being present with her and not giving the lack of “family” energy. Similar to how I don’t want my best friend to give me the lack of “friend group” energy when she’s with me.

It’s a bit complicated because even if I had other family, my mom is the one that matters the most. Same with I know even if my best friend has other people in the friend group, she’s still not happy cause I’m not there. So it’s like she doesn’t care about me. I have this vision of my person and my mom cooking together, like son and mother and I’m just watching them from the back. I also don’t know what would satisfy my “family” needs.

Anyways, I went to go clean the bathroom, and then mom went to go pray.

Another prographer started following me today, which is crazy because these people that are following me are no where related. So I’m just wondering how everyone is finding me. I didn’t follow this one back though because I didn’t like his work. Haven’t followed any of the recent people back, getting stingy with that too.

I also think that Thanksgiving is so performative now. Like back before people put things on social media, most families would just stay home and make normal things. But because of social media, it’s like they have to make thanksgiving plans and indians try making the normal thanksgiving dishes to try fitting into the american crowd. I feel like it was so much more authentic when people were just celebrating it in their own ways.

I need to stop putting the pressure of a family on my mom. She’s just my mom, and by extending family. If every time I hang out with her and think of family of course I’m going to feel empty. I have to just accept it as mother and daughter time for the time being.

Intuition - I need to be more present with my mom and other things that I do.
8/10 - Wholesome time with my mom. Happy we didn’t fight.

Energy:
25% - watching Stranger Things
25% - mad about my workout
50% - spending time with mom